Tuesday, July 08, 2003

Strange ponderings

     One time, well, many times to be honest i would nod off in the car and am always awaken by the sudden jerking of the volvo as it speeds over potholes and bumps, and i would wake. It's amazing how the world looks like then. At first, everything seems blurred. Then everything would make itself appear from the uncertainty, and the way it blends out is beautiful, and in that split second, i would feel as thoughi was in another era, long time ago;the colours look a bit off and the blast from the air conditioner stings your eyes.In that precious second, i would feel contented and glad for i am home. As quickly as it comes, it exits at the same speed, and i am left in the real world with all the colours perfect and i would realise, "the year is 2003 and i'm solid."

;    i think i had been born in the wrong era. The cause? An angel who messed up my 'life files'? If so, she/he would be a trainee, stumbling over orders and trying to keep up with the flow, all the while hoping to gain a halo. If she/he is damn good, a great pure white wings will be given. The white flowing robe will be inserted with this attractive package. They will be overjoyed i guess, because wings are only given out every one thousand years or more. i wonder if they ever longed to be here on Earth.

;    Or maybe i lived the era before, and was reluctant to leave that life. What remains now is the lingering air of constant longing, that whispers ever so softly that i'm not in the right time. i am torn between the old world and the new. half of me would like to stay in a cave and grunt as a mean to talk... alright, i'm not that bad. well, half of me wants to see the world when there is no pistols or snipers, where the only long distance weapon would be a dart or arrow. to live in a simple cottage and electronical stuff havent been invented. then the other half, chases modern life and to constantly upgrade myself. Where i love the complicity of life. It's like being torn by two forces, in opposite directions, and a hole will appear in my middle someday.

;    Few years back, an advice was given to me: Be aware of the thin line between fantasy and reality. I scoffed at it then, yet now I find myself happier in dreams than in reality. To retreat in this comfy shell of mine keeps me going on. It could turn into a bad thing, obviously, but it's hard to resist the temptation.

;    i would like to consider myself as an odd jigsaw(i'm sure a lot of you out there do too). am still searching for my place, where i am the final missing piece, everyone would be waiting for my return, after i wandered away, to complete the big picture.

;    we all belong somewhere, people, it would be a sin for you to feel insignificant in this big, big world. i like being a pessimist at times, so i wouldn't get a huge disappointment if something in life goes wrong. but let me tell u this, being an optimist keeps you in brighter light. i heard this story from my friend about this girl who was gang-raped, she did felt awful initially but she turned her life and people's views around. When asked how did she feel about this whole thing, she said, "Well, I feel powerful." Puzzled looks. "Never in my life am I desired so much and everyone was fighting to get to me. They are even willing to commit a crime. it makes me feel like I am worthy." And everyone knew she would heal. It's a 360 degrees way to look at life, but isn't it better? No matter how weird, it depends on how you get on with life.

If someone throws a ball at you, you can't just hang on to it. Sometimes you must let go.