Friday, November 28, 2003

untitled

had a rift with someone yesterday, will not mention name. i had no where to turn(for comfort), and therefore turned to the classic paper and pencil(mechanic). rather dramatic. i get real dramatic when depressed and extremely poetic. this is when my eng literature studies helps me. now, understand slyvia plath's choice of death (she was a poet who killed herself... i hope i didnt get her name wrong... it's not virginia woolfe, is it? but she's a writer!). twas actually 27/11 but at 12-something am when i wrote this:

there is no escape. all the doors are bolted shut. sometimes you just want, just need to scream, but it's all closed in, and the screams are reflected back. again and again. echoes create echoes. when will it end? will i have to surrender to fate or take it upon my own hands? either way, it will bring no benefit whatsoever. all these chains...uncountable. i should bless my life for the food shoved under the doors, bless my life for the shelter this place offers me. yet i cant. the air chokes and silent walls stare. judging and watching all the time.

i always avoid thinking that money is everything.money is not. it's just stupid pieces of paper that gets you material stuff. we dont need money, but we need things that cannot be seen but felt. but what happens if you become dependent on material things? obsessed even. that is the weakness people prey upon, to threaten you, like taking it away.our security is dangered by money. money is power. at the mere sight of it, people bow.or if you argue it is not, people wouldnt go crazy when the bank declare you bankrupt and take away your television and car etc etc. bribes wouldnt happen that many. families are nice to their grandparents so that their names will be in the will. then when the will is presented after the grandparents deaths, some might not be satisfied with it. they'll go to court and bicker, forgetting the grandparents. it just hurts me so much now that gianne who once scorned at 'money is all' now succumbing to it. it's hard to admit, but it is a fact. am crying buckets now.
used to think, that things are just things and nothing more. they are bought, used and it will deteriorate. that's all to it. now i realize, if that is the case, then body are things too. they are, however, living but still is used and it will get old. therefore we need both body and things.
i really feel trapped. by circumstances and being stunted from making a choice. if i had a choice, i'd rather be an animal... it is just less complicated that way. i'm watching from inside a glass box, only able to watch and not DO. and it must be sound-proofed too. my opinions and views are blocked.

now i just feel so lonely. it's as though great many years has passed since spm. have no one but myself for comfort and it's getting bloody lonely.people, including me, does not realize how much a difference a simple touch could be. the touch may be physical, may be emotional, but it will leave a mark so beautiful it hurts. btw, am not suggesting that anyone should just come up and molest me. i really hope you get what i mean. am just so confused right now.the battle within me has not ceased and suddenly maturity(is it, really?) is flunged violently at me in all directions. you just cant take so many things in at one time...you'd go crazy if you manage.

if you were to see me now, i'm a sight to behold. face is red, eyes bulging and shirt is wet. there's two rolled-up tissues stuck up my nose. perhaps should amuse myself and wake up family members, later, looking like this. oh yes, mechanical pencil/keyboard/blog are mycompanions when there is no one to listen to my selfish problems. and frankly, there's no other more patient a listener.

Thursday, November 20, 2003

freed?

SPM is OVER, people!!!! Hurrah! toss the books and notes out! give my hand-me-downs stuff a second/third/millionth time! floor of room can finally be seen! no more last minute studying at 4am!! all the informations in my head disappeared like a puff of smoke... smoke that tries to struggle to live from beginning to end! Here's a summary abt the last three weeks:

add maths = first paper, not that bad. second paper, have already chosen a noose. py supplied the coffins.
maths = frantic last minute studying, but did okay.
eng lit = half-vomit, half-insane-opinions. my teacher is going to chop me into pieces.
bm = took a huge risk in my essay... have no bloody idea what 'sahsiah' meant, but i could like, guess it meant 'keperibadian individu'. anyway, went on writing it, and was so relieved when my fren confirmed what it meant.
eng = oh dear, i think i did not so well in essay.... strong story, but weak style of writing. wrote abt a murder. aiks.
history = ah, my fave subject for this year. seriously. but for the 2nd paper, the moment am done reading all the questions, drew a gravestone with my name on it. could not answer ANY of the f5 questions, and took wild stabs. it's like playing naval command, lol.
moral = not much to say abt this. screwed all my moral exams upall the time, and i expect this to be the same. furthermore, i couldnt argue and debate with whoever who marks my paper.
LK = surprising, i managed. feel a bit suspicious cuz i finished with extra time. screw up elektronik though.
physics = good news: easy. bad news: didnt study easy parts. messed up in paper 2, section b and c.
chem = whatever i studied didnt drum into my head. it's the final exam, which was today. however, i read up on process haber, sentuh and ostwald, so could answer questions. this too are surprisingly easy.
[methinks for physics and chem, graf will be very very high]

that's it. thirty minutes before the final paper, was looking around grinning. after all the papers were colelcted, everyone lets out a whoop of joy. hug, hug, kiss, kiss, goodbye. oh, the second we finished that paper, fireworks sounded. it's like an omen, lol.am so glad in a way. no more government education forced upon my poor lately overworked brain.my frens and i beat up each other for the last time (lol). everybody went home, except me, as my mom says she'll pick me up. there i was, alone in the school, and i walked around the school. it will be the last time i'll be able to do that and not feel awkward abt it.

wanted to cut my hair today, but couldnt make it, however DID stuffed mself with french fries and cheesy wedges. MMMMMmmmmmmm... came home, tossing stuff now, room's floor could actually be seen,and, and... i feel kinda empty. i mean, no more rushing out to buy school text books while my mom screams at me, "why didnt u do this earlier??? procrastinate, procrastinate!!!". no more going to my grandma's shop to get pinafores with her exclaiming something like, "aiyooo... go fatter again!". no more lugging around my huge schoolbag and sometimes with a bag in my hand (looking like a makcik). have absolutely no clue what to do next. now my plan is redecorate my room, lose some weight (fat chance, haha. sorry for the pun.) and learn some new stuff.

and BUY SIMS 2!!!! well, it wont be out until next year, but still, you guys just HAVE to see it! it's utterly amazing... a new revolution. now sims have facial expressions, real fingers rather than the paddle-hands they used to have. and if a couple have a baby (this time u can either get pregnant or adopt)by pregnancy, the kid will inherit both his parent's looks! and each sims can be unique. here's a good site to go to or the official site. have fun!

Till then.