Friday, February 20, 2004

ode to betsy

my my... what a long hiatus i have been on. a great many things had happened since my last entry.

how shall I begin? will begin with what i have wanted to write since christmas but never got to it. i do not know if words are enough to honour my canine friend, but here i'll try with all my might.

on the morning of christmas '03, i awoke to my mom's hysterical voice that betsy is dead. jumped out of bed, dazed, unbelieving. but she is.

outside, the floor was covered in patches of betsy's vomit. blood. and there, a loyal guard dog till the end, her body laid at the place where she used to watch the house. the only difference is that she is not moving. i cried and cried, stroking her fur. but she was still. nothing changed.
no vet came. it was christmas morning, all were on leave and those who arent, opened only at 10am. betsy died at around 9am.

after that day, i would walk outside and imagine a clumsy rottweiler with dobermann feet walking towards me, her butt swaying as she walked. on my thighs she would rub her head against, like a big baby or a big gentle cat instead of the fierce dog she is supposed to be. a few seconds of that, i would jump back yelling, "BETSY!" for she had rubbed her eye shit on my pants. Or just 2 days before her passing, i was scratching her ears , sitting on the sofa and she pressed her head against my knees, making this little sounds. i remember laughing, calling out to my mom, "come come! look at her! clumsy, adorable, big silly baby!" and pressed my chin on her forehead. Or how she used to play catch with me when time was plenty. she can run fast if she wants too. among my family, i'm the closest to her.

mind you, i had a lot of guilt as well. for a long time i had not brought her out for a walk, and she had became fatter. i regretted not touching her the day before she died, because work had made me weary.

i wasnt aware she had been vomitting blood the whole night.

i regretted not waking up earlier... if i did i would had been by her side when she died. i ahd been up earlier, but i wanted to rest. my thoughts are filled with "if onlys". that's the greatest pain i had gone through. her suffering before her death. me not being my her side. me being ignorant abt her vomiting. I hated my family for not telling me. so angry for not treating her as well as she deserves it. And to see her just lying so still... breath smelt like blood. it's as if we've killed her with our bare hands ourselves.

i wonder how she had felt. dont know if she had thought abt me before she went away. dear betsy, you have every right to be mad at me for not being a good owner. i'm sorry for not bringing you out for walks these days. i'm sorry for being so selfish. if there's another lifetime, i'd wish for you to be my companion again, if you would accept me.

fellow readers, betsy may be a rottweiler but she will only cause intruders death by her licking their faces till they drown in her saliva. she's so unbelievably gentle and good. oftne she gets jealous if i stroke my other dogs, keanny and fido. then she would intervene, pushing my palm away from them. although you'd scold her for doing so, but deep down, you'd know how deep her love is for you. i dont know how many times i've scolded her and smacking her for stealing the other dog's food but she still loves me. after i've scolded her, she'd inch towards me slowly and then rub her head against my legs. then she'd look up to me with those eyes, the innocent eyes. i'd melted.

dear betsy, you now lay underground, wrapped in a green bedsheet covered with children with woodland animals. it suited you... u were as gentle as a deer, intimidating as a lion and comforting as a friend. you've been one of a kind, and thank you for being in my life. i miss you like crazy. i never knew how much i had loved you until u were gone.


REST IN PEACE.



Truly,
Gianne.