Monday, May 17, 2004

La Dee Da

If I ever want to experience a part of the Holocaust, I'd throw myself in a Putra LRT during peak hours. You know, when the Jews were carted off to concentration camps. Only it's much more bearable than the real thing. The difference? Air-conditioned, occasional stops with passengers stumbling out (more air-space for a second before the incoming wave) and the fact there's windows to see where we were going.

Seriously, I cannot imagine the torture they had to go through under the Nazi regime. Hitler had proven that his ability is to kill people. In the end, just before the Nazis were on their knees to the mercy of the rest of the world, Hitler commited suicide, along with his girlfriend in a bomb shelter. What a bastard! He should had killed himself earlier and save the world all the trouble. Recommended book : Anne Frank's Diary. Movies : Schindler's List, The Piano and forgot the third one.

Yesterday, the minute I woke at 10.15am, I realized I was supposed to meet Mun Ling and May Hwa at the LRT station at that very same time. Within 10 minutes was out the door, and was nearly an hour late. Thank god they weren't pissed. anyone else would had me ripped with a bayonet. Off to Sunway Piramid, where we did some shoe shopping (though did not buy anything, found out my feet looks v Donald Duck - minus webbed toes - and v hard to find suitable 'ladylike' shoes for it. Ah well, comfy sneakers then!) and window-shopping.

Then we watched Troy. Well, it's okay, but nothing remarkable, although there's one part I cried. Funny in certain parts but somehow I feel as though some things are copied from LOTR. Orlando Bloom plays a real idiot in it and Eric Bana played a better character. Never notice latter before in movies, but I will from now on *does mental note thing*

For the month that I didn't work, I had become a beached whale in front of the telly. Couple of shows me like : As Told by Ginger, All Grown Up, Kim Possible, American Idol, MTV RoomRaiders, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and America's Next Top Model. American Idol 3 coming to an end! All the while I had been rooting for Fantasia Barrino, Jennifer Hudson and Diana Degarmo. Since JH's gone, the other two are the best choices! Jasmine lacks the charisma of a singer, but I guess she has charisma for the people out there. She's quite brave, I mean, she took in Simon Cowell's crit real well, but broke at the 2nd performance. However, I hope USA don't vote for Jasmine just because they pity her... Vote Barrino or Degarmo! They deserve it!! Too bad Asians cannot vote. Dang it. Cross your fingers, people!

I find Queer Eye for the Straight Guy EXTREMELY entertaining and informative. It's really hilarious and I kid you not. It's like this, 5 gay guys aka the Fab 5 (Specific duties: Grooming, Interior Design, Food&Wine, Fashion, Culture) re-vamps a straight guy's appearance and house including teaching the guy some stuff. It's on 8tv, midnight Saturday. Grooming guy is cute, too bad he's gay though. LOL. Oh, another thing, watch out for the fashion guy, he'll contribute to the air in your tummy. You'll just fart from his jokes, man.

current obsession: Finish jigsaw puzzle(although there's missing pieces and my overgrown rat ate one). oh, did I mention my room is finally clean??? Ahahahah, mission accomplished! Although it's getting messier...
now adores: tomyam soup
height: still in the 'midget' category
weight: fatter. must drag my fat ass to the gym someday

Sunday, May 09, 2004

Merry Mommy's Day

ah, happy mother's day, peeps! if you're a mom, that is... did nothing special for this mom's day. actually, went to my aunt's place in rawang yesterday to celebrate... but then again, I spent most of my time chatting with my cousin, PST, halfway through the conversation we got into a wrestling match, with me under (she was trying to a certain secret out of me!!!) Of all things, she could had coaxed or threatened me, she instead opted to pin me down and tickle me. And guess what? I was like a communist, no amount of tickling torture could make me blurt out that very secret! Over my dead body, couz!! mwhahahahaah!!

Anyway, back to topic, hugged my mom yesterday and today, and gave her a paper that says "IOU", in which in reply, gave me a very dirty look, lol. You see, my dear readers (if there are anyone left in the first place,lol) my bro and I gives her a homemade card every year. However, THIS year... didnt really felt like making a card. So I procrastinate and prolly finish up a decent-looking card by the next Mother's day. Some daughter i am! LOL! Actually we wanted to send her to a spa, but she huffed, going ,"A good hundred dollars for lying on my back and forget abt daily troubles, and when I'm done, it'll be back to square one!". Seriously, lotsa things going on in my life right now (well, at least in my view...).

Well, here's a section for my Mom, someone whom I love dearly yet I won't admit it:

Me mam is v young-looking and pretty. If she were a little more slimmer, she'd be a knockout. She wear's T-shirt and jeans, people think she's my sister, just a few years abv me. Sometimes she can be real blur in the matters of computer, but it doesn't really matter anyway. Her greatest virtue is that she is wise. It is more valued than intelligence. Once a fortune teller told her that she will work her whole life for her children, which is v true. She never gave up on my bro or me, ever.

She's spunky and unOrthodox, yet strict and firm. I can speak practically anything to her, and she'd come home from office, guffawing over something, which she would tell us, even if the joke is dirty. In my whole life, I've only seen her cry less than three times. Having a weak front is not her motto, her determination to pull our family together through thick and thin is amazing. She has three people in her life, acting like tsunami's that fights against her but she makes it through. Seriously, if I were her, I'd leave this fmaily of mine. But she doesn't. Everything she says is thoughtful and true, that's why, we all rebel against her too much. She has a great capacity of love, and she doesn't limit it to her family only. Other people who were reaching out for help, she guides them through the troubles. One time she had her name deciphered, so did all of us, the fortune teller told her that she's a super-woman, someone with the strength like an Amazon woman. We all had passed and experienced hardship, and she's the only one who emerges unscatched and more beautiful in the process. Thank you for not throwing me out even when I gave you a lot of shit. Thank you for not disdaining me as I do realize that I'm not exactly the perfect daughter. Thank you for helping me out of many situations.In my next life, I hope my karma bounds me to you, so you'd be my mom again (I hear you slapping ur head and praying to the Gohonzon, mom... lol). I love you, mom.

That's all folks. Putting that in my IOU card for her.

Thursday, May 06, 2004

poking bruning charcoals and running like a maniac inside

havent been insane for a long time. havent felt carefree since... well i dont know. sometimes it's true when they say ignorance is bliss, keeps the foreheard free from looking like dried prunes. but then again, who wants to be an ignoramus?

In the putra lrt today, saw a lady so wrinkled, it would be an achievement to draw her. Dont know if she is aware that she's a masterpiece in her own way. We all are actually. But no one really realize it. At least in my case. While people in the train sleep, I submerged myself into thoughts and constantly looking at my surroundings and people. Could sit with absolute silence, thinking or dreaming at my own desire. Sitting in a moving vehichle is a nice time to float away. Everything passes out of our sight after a brief glance, making you take in the teeniest beautiful detail and forgetting it the moment another comes along. It's kind of like life, isn't it? Like this French show, Amelie, says "Life is like the Tour de France. You'd better catch it before it's gone" or something like that. Makes you love life, doesn't it?

Our heads are too filled with scientific knowledge and common sense. Am not saying that it is bad, but last time, me used to run into the middle of the rain, spinning myself around till i fall on the gravel, and in perfect timing, my mom would appear and yell. Now when the sky cries, I usually do not comfort it, as in my head, it's going "Acid rain, erodes stuff... it'll melt you if u play!" or "shit, this water is from sewers, drains and god only knows!". Or eating paper just because it tasted nice? Without knowing about the chemicals and all in that once-a-tree paper. Do you think it has destroyed us all? Pros and cons, definitely. As this is written, a connection comes into my head. Of friendship. Of the innocence we have all lost. Figure it out yourself. I have not the skill to explain what goes on in my head.

I wonder what makes people have a sparkle in their eyes. What if they lose it? Well, I believe it can be gained back. I have to believe it.



Truly,
gianne

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

must be really bored if am doing surveys

feeling rather confused now.

alrite, just get this news off my back first; am going back to JDH pharma to work. not as business coordinator but more simple, filing and stuff as am working for abt two mths only. at least it gives me something to do. for the mth of april, life is so mundane. i wake, ear brunch, watch tv, go on the net, do a bit of improving my speech and english. and now that i found out am going back to work, it's like a lot of ideas for activities burst into my head! it's like that, really, when u know something is ending, ur brain suddenly gets all these ideas. damned brain. lol.

now for the part that am confused. for a year, have dreamed of going to this certain college. it's new, but from my poking of the students there, it seems to be v good. those who knows me are aware that 3d animation is my choice of study. and yet, after such a long hiatus from the education system, doubt creeped upon me. am i cut out for this? and the fact that suddenly the very student of that college who encouraged me strongly to go there said it's not as good anymore. furthermore that college only focus on one thing, which is 3d animation. something my uncle is greatly against. he says if u become master in one, finding a job in the future would be real hard. should be a jack in all trades, mastering certain stuff but never master just one subject. the choice of college for a year is Go Academy. Let me tell you that their animation is amazing. Had dreamt of working with Pixar or Dreamworks.

And I've gotten scholarship for that college (half the amount, which is better than nothing). Yet now... the clogs in my head is actually working.i can admit, i was stubborn. have been so set to go to this college, i closed my other options. myother choices are Dasein and LUCT. The former, is cheap and near, and i dont see that they have any affliation with other college or unis. gonna call em later. the latter is expensive and far, but it's recognized. i also like the fact that it has many students and has clubs. but still think they are kinda overcharging students. i'll see if i can get any scholarship from any of them colleges and discuss it with my mom.

oh well, here's the survey:

1. NAME: i'd like to be named chiara or chazia, however am content with gianne
2. DO YOU THINK YOU'RE NORMAL: oh yea, i'm normal... it's just that everyone else is weird
3. DO PEOPLE FIND U STRANGE: strange? strangely boring? strange exciting? beats me.
4. DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD : when i'm in deep shit. haha jk. sometimes yes and sometimes no
5. DO YOU SIN A LOT: depends on what u think sinning is ;P
6. DO YOU BACKSTAB: nope never! if i did, it was unintentional
7. ARE YOU A GOOD FRIEND: geez, of course i will say i am! u need to ask my friends in the first place! CHUH!
8. ARE YOU IN LOVE: with life? well, sometimes i hate it. with someone? if so, it'd be 'in infatuation'
9. ARE YOU YOUNG: physically yea... lol
10.EVER BEEN A LEADER OF SOMETHING: definitely! to insanity!
11.EVER KILLED A LIVING CREATURE: thousands of ants. and am a herbivor. it's a damn cycle.
12.LAST ODD THING DONE: arguing with my brother in icq when he's just in the next room?
13.DO YOU WEAR MAKE-UP: lip balm. sometimes concealer. i cant help it if i looked like a panda.
15.EVER STARTED A "FIRE": no comment *whistles*
16.DO YOU THINK YOU'RE : sinfully confused? yes. lol
17.DO YOU LIKE LYING: no i dont. but i doit anyway. mwhahaha.
18.DO YOU REGRET: not strangling someone when i had the chance? jk. regret a lot.
20.DO PEOPLE HATE YOU: used to care if ppl hate me or not. now am getting to the 'not giving a damn' part.
21.DO YOU HATE PEOPLE: not that severe.
22.CAN YOU KILL SOMEBODY: nah... consequences would be drastic and my conscience would kill me
23.DO YOU CUT YOURSELF?: no. even if i did cut myself, i'd deny it. lol.
24.EVER TASTED BLOOD: yup... literally and not.
25.DO YOU CARE WHAT OTHERS MAY THINK OF YOU?: a lot. but like i said, getting to the part of life of 'dont giving a flying fuck!'
26.EVER DONE ANYTHING OCCULT: was interested in pagan once. still have candles, incense and tarot cards.
27.ARE YOU GOTHIC: nap.
28.DO YOU SMOKE: tried 'em, neither liked it or hated it. the smell is horrible though
29.CONSUME DRUGS: dude, everyone does that. or else the whole world would be dead
30.WHAT DO YOU WEAR: grass skirt and half coconut shells on my chest....
31.YOUR SKIN COLOR: am asian
32.DO YOU LIKE THE SUN: it hadnt offended me in any way (besides makign me real dark)33.HAVE YOU LOST SOMEONE YOU LOVE: does a dog count? as forppl, they're just gone, but not dead.
34.HOW DOES GRIEF FEEL: burning behind your throat
36.YOUR HEART DESIRES TO BE WITH WHOM: whoever who owns a chocolate factory. therefore, willy wonka. rite.
37.YOUR LISTENING TO: the thunder. virgin suicide's song. whirring of the pc fan. the neighbour's ceremonious bells.
39.DID THIS QUIZ MAKE SENSE: does the pope hate catholics?
40. HOW ARE YOU TODAY: confused and bored and mad and sad
41. WHAT IS YOUR NAME : lola the demented
42. Note: got this off PY's blog... [u owe me advertising money =P]

Saturday, May 01, 2004

suppressed

There are so many things inside me, churning, spiraling and bouncing off the insides, but has not yet been spilled, like molten lava awaiting to erupt from its volcano. If only my soul had been conscious-free, if only my heart was harder... i would had done a lot of things.currently head is filled with could-have and would-haves that comes streaming in uncontrolably. so many paths i would like to walk, but i know i can only explore few of them, not all. robert frost described a fork in the woods, one seldom used and the other is worn often, but unfortunately my 'fork' resembles a mutant octopus with countless extra arms (while i wrote this, i imagined me as mutant octopus at a chocolate buffet...mmmm...chocolate).

Anyway back to the topic... i believe everyone of us have an other side that the eye, at many glances, may not perceive. yet sometimes you realize this side can be destructive or maybe it's un-Orthodox, then that desire, that fire within is suppressed. So that little seed of fire waits... and waits... and one day, BOOM! it's out but you're old and certain behaviours at that age of yours is much frowned upon. it's only in our adolescents that we may err as we please and ppl will not mind much as they can blame it on one's hormones, mood swings, teenage angst or what ever. so the question is, should it be released? it's a yes on my part.

If you don't get some of this out of your system when you're a teenager, it'll get you later.

Might as well get over with it. And enjoy it, it's your time.

now for some selfish moments; i consider myself a door mat most of the times. i mean, sometimes, i really feel like knocking myself upside-down on the head. there are people who walk all over me and i go, "oh, are you sure your shoes are clean?" while inside i seeth or sometimes a sharp lightning passes through my soul, leaving a hole. i had shouted at people before but after that i feel guilty as hell, even though i was right, and go after the person to apologise. One of the worst feelings in the world is WANTING. not material things, mind you, but another life. different experience. it keeps the world from getting mundane. it's an undying ache that eats you from inside. the two part of my conscience would debate. on the right side of shoulder, a faceless creature with a halo, sitting passively, holds up a 'STOP' sign whereas on my left side, an animated grinning devil is flapping its arms and clucking like a chicken.

Dear Creator, i love life and yet it pulls me under. And that seed is growing. What the seed contains i will not reveal. am still a teenager... is the life i currently live in what i wanted? was i wrong to turn away from the paths that had been weaved for me? there is still room for err. The paths remain unchosen.