Saturday, May 01, 2004

suppressed

There are so many things inside me, churning, spiraling and bouncing off the insides, but has not yet been spilled, like molten lava awaiting to erupt from its volcano. If only my soul had been conscious-free, if only my heart was harder... i would had done a lot of things.currently head is filled with could-have and would-haves that comes streaming in uncontrolably. so many paths i would like to walk, but i know i can only explore few of them, not all. robert frost described a fork in the woods, one seldom used and the other is worn often, but unfortunately my 'fork' resembles a mutant octopus with countless extra arms (while i wrote this, i imagined me as mutant octopus at a chocolate buffet...mmmm...chocolate).

Anyway back to the topic... i believe everyone of us have an other side that the eye, at many glances, may not perceive. yet sometimes you realize this side can be destructive or maybe it's un-Orthodox, then that desire, that fire within is suppressed. So that little seed of fire waits... and waits... and one day, BOOM! it's out but you're old and certain behaviours at that age of yours is much frowned upon. it's only in our adolescents that we may err as we please and ppl will not mind much as they can blame it on one's hormones, mood swings, teenage angst or what ever. so the question is, should it be released? it's a yes on my part.

If you don't get some of this out of your system when you're a teenager, it'll get you later.

Might as well get over with it. And enjoy it, it's your time.

now for some selfish moments; i consider myself a door mat most of the times. i mean, sometimes, i really feel like knocking myself upside-down on the head. there are people who walk all over me and i go, "oh, are you sure your shoes are clean?" while inside i seeth or sometimes a sharp lightning passes through my soul, leaving a hole. i had shouted at people before but after that i feel guilty as hell, even though i was right, and go after the person to apologise. One of the worst feelings in the world is WANTING. not material things, mind you, but another life. different experience. it keeps the world from getting mundane. it's an undying ache that eats you from inside. the two part of my conscience would debate. on the right side of shoulder, a faceless creature with a halo, sitting passively, holds up a 'STOP' sign whereas on my left side, an animated grinning devil is flapping its arms and clucking like a chicken.

Dear Creator, i love life and yet it pulls me under. And that seed is growing. What the seed contains i will not reveal. am still a teenager... is the life i currently live in what i wanted? was i wrong to turn away from the paths that had been weaved for me? there is still room for err. The paths remain unchosen.

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