Sunday, June 13, 2004

Isolated

Hmm, yet again another 'failure'. A cultural group of this faith of mine had a recruitment drive, one for choir, another orchestra and last, the artistic dance (or AD for short). Surprise, surprise, I chose the one most unsuitable for me; AD. I'm inflexible and clumsy. However, reached there feeling optimistic, but no, not nervous at all. But the moment I step into the room, all the old feelings rushed back to me.

Some explaination is needed: Few years before I had joined the backdrop team, and let me tell you, it was the period of my life when my feelings were in turmoil and had felt depressed most of the time. Although the experience had lifted my spirit up and brought a smile on my face, I will never forget the agony I had to go through due to the fact I'm a 'banana' (chinese, but more fluent in English rather than my native tongue). Even if the people spoke English, I was painfully awkward and shy. Fortunately, improvement had happened, albeit my old self pops up only occasionally.

Back to topic, I felt all awkward again... until we started warming up and learning the steps. Then I befriended Katherine (or Kathy, am horrible at remembering names) and even talked to a guy there! It was fun, we joked around and moaned about our aching limbs (mark this, it's only the warm up!). Kat is an amazing dancer. Next to her, I'm a tumbling hippo. I think I got two sections of the audition alright. Not perfect, but alright. The third section however I screwed it up; the instructor teaches you on the spot and you have to be able to pick it up quickly. Lacking that ability, I did a monkey dance instead. They say they would contact us if we get in, by next week. It's been a week and no call. I can either maintain that they are smart enough to not choose me or be in denial, claiming my email is screwed up or my handphone has a prejudice against them and absolutely refuses to take their call. Truthfully, I knew I flunked it, but like the whispery words of Arwen Undomiel (sue me for wrong spelling): "There is always hope."

Hmmm. Maybe it only works for elves.

Though the audition flucked, I'm glad I made a friend there. Like said to my friends, I'd rather get to know other people and fail the audition rather than the other way round. Oh and for the next 4 days, I couldn't walk straight. Was limping and sometimes my knees would give way and I'd fall to the ground (fell only one time on the office stairs and it seems even the fats in my ass didn't protect me! Harrumph. If my butt could walk, it would be in crutches). Furthermore, where I work, I had to walk a lot and climb shelves to get heavy files, that by the way, seems to hate me by giving me paper cuts, skin scrapes due to sharp metal edges and falling on moi (the shelf gave way). Because of this too, I realize my mom is not so concerned anymore abt her youngest daughter's misfortunes... when she found out I fell on my ass, she laughed and laughed.
I didn't know whether to laugh or cry!

Sigh. Sometimes... actually most of the time, I become a green-eyed monster whenever I see truly outgoing people who are intelligent and fun and could hold a conversation really well that makes people come back for more and more. They never have to suffer the pain of giving a lacklustre response or sitting in an uncomfortable silence, trying to dig up something to say. My old self still resides cunningly in my soul.

------------- + -------------

{Sudden feeling of dismay. ARGH! Damn my mood swings}

Have you ever felt empty? It's like all around you, there are people, but somehow you just feel... isolated. As though your existence just functions to use up the precious oxygen.

Someone rubbing a circle in a dusty window to have a glimspe outside. The heart gives a tug, then an ache. Yearning and wishing.

1 comment:

gianne said...

from blog-city:

1. a reader left...
Sunday, 13 June 2004 9:31 pm
hello. i got to your place from PPS and was so surprised to see myself linked here! thank you so much - but just to tell you you lnked to a specific entry instead of the blog. haha. but that's okay, thanks again.

and i just want to tell you that this post resounds with all of us at a particular age. there are moments when you can be very unsure of yourself and moments when you feel so confidence, like you can do anything. that's how it is for me, and it is also about the people around you. it takes two after all. so cheer up, we'll all find our way. and we'll find a place, a people who suit us... :)

Emily [emily@holeinmyhead.net]


2. a reader left...
Monday, 14 June 2004 11:15 am
Very interesting reads here. I'll be back regularly.

cowboy caleb


3. a reader left...
Monday, 14 June 2004 2:42 pm
Hey..what dance do you do?

And about feeling clueless of what to say, we all go through that at some phase or another...the more articulate ones are just more "experienced" at handling the moments and usually have a stock of comments, or conversation starters in their heads!

Zsarina


4. GenieOnTheLoose left...
Thursday, 17 June 2004 11:12 pm
hey, thanks for all ur comments... i'll stick those advs in my lil book of cheer-ups! wish there was an odd jigsaw pieces club to join...where everyone will sit in silence and fidget awkwardly. haha, jk.

zsarina - a fusion of hip-hop and modern dance i think... we danced to black eye peas' where's the love


5. a reader left...
Monday, 21 June 2004 5:40 pm
Too Good to be True... Your blog is just great... So very interesting, I have enjoyed my time. Will appreciate it if you could drop by my site @ http://fodio.cjb.net/

Daniel