Friday, December 30, 2005

Ode to Gemukness

This new hobby of mine is tagged "Kacau gemuk saya."
Hehe, I wonder if I'm like, Super Thin, will it change to "Oi, Jangan kacau tulangku~~~!" *goes off to elbow people with cheekbones and jump into unsuspecting laps* eh, the latter hurts weh! No joke!!!

But like I'll ever be reduced to bones anyway. Softness is nice. Uh, in moderation? Hmm, should be cushion-y.

It's just so wobb-able. Like Jell-O in mock drama suspension. Mmm... Matrix?!? "Hello Mr Smith... *wobble*" Somewhat disgusting but highly fascinating at the same time. I think I can calculate the getaran and speed by using forgotten Physics knowledge. Eeee, fatness!

I've been surfing the net a lot lately, since mid Sem 3, because the lessons were sleep-inducing and I had a PC with internet in front of me, so... kaching!! Am pretty familiar with Photoshop anyway (cover those pimples, YESH!!!). Perhaps I sound arrogant, but shit, this is gonna catch up to me soon; my classmates will soon be better than me in the term of photoshop skills (TT.TT). My almost-forgotten assignments flailed under obvious neglection, until the final weeks where I rushed so many things and encountered problems that nearly made me cry.

Again, I digress.
As the net exposes me little random projects by, I grow smaller.
Then I realise, despite what I think, assume or pretend... I am just a stupid little girl.
Mentally. If only I could be little in size... *smashes weighing machine*

I ponder about this before, and I'm still in awe of the largeness out there. The feeling of a single dust in a packed room. How am I to make a difference?

Like when I finished reading The God Of Small Things by Arundhati Roy (courtesy of Mun Ling). My verdict? Excellent. In fact, more than Excellent. It's Better-Beyond-Words. I haven't cried so much over a book in my life. I cried towards the end. I reread a few parts in the beginning, and with the knowledge of what happened, I cried again. I filled buckets with my tears alone! Scattered jigsaw pieces that come together in the end; a big bang! A build up of circumstances. This book is a heartjerker, be warned.
(Spoiler: Baby Kochamma is a fucking bitch! I want to kick her big fat selfish brown ass! GRAHHHHH!)

I'm not a writer of books nor a composer of songs, as much as I'd like to be. All I am capable of doing is to read them, and laugh, cry, rage. I had stopped writing fiction ages ago andmy skill is rusted beyond belief. Oh, I've also just finished White Oleander by Janet Fitch. While I was reading on my bed, my new pup Mocha was sleeping next to me and kept farting silent bombs. I'm like *swt* - move self and doggie to the floor-. Now the word 'Oleander' will forever be associated with the memory of Mocha's fart. The book's very good by the way... I'm somehow inclined to writings about mother and daughter relationship. Also it's in Oprah Book Club! Right. Digressed again.

Or for songs, I allow them to seep into my heart, the words the melodies, the subtle undertones of the bass. The wailing of the versatile electric guitar. Appreciate them. Sing praises about them. Some songs can just knock the blood out of my head; blood pooling in my heart and the pumping gets more intense. Then I'd feel goosebumps trickle up my arms, itching it. That's all I'm capable of doing. An itch that never produces something worthwhile.

It's kind of depressing in a way, because I want to be on that other side. The one behind the camera. The one wielding the pen. Sometimes I wish I could see things the way they do; that my perspective is but a dulled knife.

Oh what the heck, not everyone comes out from the same mold right? What is yours is yours; mine is my own.

I'll just go back to wobbling my thighs.

Gianne's Gemuk: Hoi!!!

{Random Brain Wave: I like reinventing my outer look, but it always fails. I mean, I have people who haven't seen me in YEARS (eg: 11 years) and the first thing they'd say is, "Omigod, Gianne... You look the same!!! Still chubby~~" *squeeze squeeze* (<<--- UH!!! my cheeks okay, not elsewhere... Eee, hentainess! XD)}

Sunday, December 25, 2005

It was a long talk

She tells me the reason she helps people is because end of the day, she may get to see them happy, a some sort of compensation for her own unhappiness.

It sounds sappy in written words, but I wanted to cry. I really did. Her eyes were getting red and a bit watery, but in my whole life, I've only seen her truly cry less than 3 times.

Like giving your friends surprise bday parties all the time when no one does it for you. She prolly don't see it that way, but somehow I think that's what she yearns for deep inside. For some little bit of happiness to call her own.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

These people are pissing me off

In reference to the two opinions on The Star's today (23/12/2005):

What IS marriage? How sacred is a marriage if you force a person into a legal bond when one has no feelings for another?

"She's unhappy!"
"Never mind, as long as she doesn't step out of line of what is *acceptable* in society. It's for her own good!!! Hmmph."
(which of course, their own opinion clouding 90% of society's expectations. And would also love to add, who are you to dictate how one should love? And be loved?)

99% of us here on earth seek this thing called love... some just find theirs in a different light than most. Why you so dengki?

Sometimes I just feel like grabbing their heads and knocking them together, and they will faint (I was thinking 'drop into a coma', but that's just too evil) and we all live happily ever after.

" No religion in this world accepts this kind of union and, hopefully, our country will not follow the trends of the so-called modern and civilised society where religious and family values seem to have taken a back seat, causing social decay. "

Eh, STUPID! The Buddhists accept it. The Pagans are okay with it. And Hinduism (this, the opinion varies). In fact, correct me if I'm wrong, the two former paths are among the few that did not cast a rule of that a 'union' must be of the opposite sex in stone. More to spiritual and self, and not the masks of the souls.

Any further comments, religion-wise, I'll shut it because it's so bloody sensitive.

Family values? I can't understand why CERTAIN people prefer a screwed-up straight marriage to a happy loving homosexual couple. And if the latter ever have children, it's really stupid to claim they will be homosexuals as well. Hello? Who raised 'gay children'? What is that, you-bigoted-piece-of-lump? Straight parents? Yay!!! So clever, now have a sweet and go eff yourself.
There's more things that causes social decay, and frankly I'm so sick of repeating myself.

Which is why I'll just end it here.


(Oh, despite my pissy mood, work was fun... it's a blue afro wig, ppl! It's really big, I'm serious, it's like Marge Simpson but more horizontally endowed! Scaring lil kiddies and little ladies that pass my aisle. Damn fun )

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

A rather... constipation-freed verbal entry

ARGGHHH!!!! So much to blog about, yet my fingers are unwilling to cooperate with my brain for the past days!!!

Looking through Juno Jeong's art, apparently a contemporary version of Hyung Tae Kim... can't see much of his artwork on the official site, because the gallery navigation just makes me want to burn something. GRahhh!!! *godzilla stomping*

Worked as a brownie girl (free brownies for you!!!). I haven't eaten so much brownies in my life (oops.. Look, brownies + chocolate obsessed person = bad combination). Haha, jk, I didn't eat THAT much... my co-workers did though. Oh they were doing other products, like pizza, tiramisu ice cream, some ice cream with alcohol, crab meat + mayonnaise on Ritz biscuit (<<>ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES!!!! The wine was the yummiest ever~~~ XD. It was fun... really fun. And I did look good in their Betty Crocker apron hahahah (although I must admit, I don't cook, but burn)

There's this guy there who spoke to me... DAMN friendly and nice. We were talking about pirated VCDs and he mentioned about how hard it is getting to purchase pornos (!!!). And he has a lot stashed in his computer. I was okay with it. It's normal, really. But 5 minutes after knowing a girl? Whoa, a record! So straightforward XD. There's a few more things he said that I'll refrain from putting here. But yea, he's a nice guy and we DID talk about other things la.

And something worth mentioning: the chiller room. It. Is. Fucking . COLD !!! Try cutting 3 cakes of brownies in a room with negative temperature. I'm a Khatulistiwa punya org weh!!! Malaysia = summer all year long. I mean, it was fun for the first few minutes but after a while, I was worried I might get frostbite. My joints were getting rigid... serious! And maybe the extreme coldness froze certain brain cells because I started imagining if my blood freezes up and hence oxygen will be cut off from the vital organs, and so mati katak la. If I did die there, at least I'll be pretty and nicely preserved XD

The much awaited event for the holiday... COMIC FIESTA!!!

When I got there, I was rather stunned|speechless (perfect for the dumb look). Hajimete yo... First time going to such an event and seeing cosplayers in real life. And it was PACKED with people! The artists/ doujinshi booths were nice; my stash was RAWR, MnU (both artbooks), two posters, OnePiece doujinshi and a set of bookmarks. It's lovely but it really pokkai-ed me TT.TT

The cosplay performance was fun! There's this Rukia in the Bleach performance that I really liked because she sounded and acted SO much like the character (sweet to everyone but Ichigo hahhaha!). The funniest one was the Naruto performance, especially the Kancho part and the 'KO! Then 'winner' slumped down too... *flip banner* DOUBLE KO!!!'. The crowd simply went wild.

Was supposed to get a pair of awesome boots from a forum meber... but the boots didn't fit me sadly. However the owner, Temi-Chan helped when me and Kez got lost in Subang! Doumo arigatou! m(_ _)m

And er... on the way back, I kinda semi-hitchhiked. Much to Kezia's chagrin XD. Tell you in another entry.

Kez haven't given me the pics she took that day (I took some too!!!). *cries* I wished I had my digi cam back!!! Will post them up later (meanwhile, check out the forum, there's linkage to pics!)

Reunion with my primary mates in MV! Gosh, I haven't seen a few of them in 7 years! Less than 10 came though... Yue Ann (smartest kid in our school), Abbilashya (Abi Kabbi!), Christina, Sarah, Man Ee, Lisa, Jacinth and me. Had much fun catching up and reminding each other of our idiocy last time... omg, now that I think of it, we were like mini bitches in dark blue pinafore running around. The drama I tell you... jealousy, anger, maliciousness, stealing, defaming, bullying...

If you want to know, I was at the bad end of the bullying one. As in... ouch that hurt *does the crybaby thing* lol

Last thing... they owe me the pictures!!! Sarah took tons... I mean, I took of her + other friends because she didn't like the way her hair turned out in the picture. We all thought it was alright though, she looks like Lindsay Lohan a bit.

Munz returned from UK and we had a lil gathering.
But this'll be for tomorrow when it's not FIVE IN THE MORNING!!!

Okay. I lied about the short summary. So stab me with a satay stick.

Oh, I got a call yesterday about my juice-girl job(er, handling out free juice samples) in Sogo from the 23 to 25 (working on Christmas, boohooo). She mentioned that I were to wear a short denim skirt. Errr... not gonna look nice in it, but hey, it's your call! *runs off to Rufffey in MV for a discounted one... RM25 if you're wondering* And what else? "Okay, we're going to provide you with a wig..."


It's going to be a very ridiculous one. I can feel it. It's prolly a multicoloured afro to rival Tommy the Clown. And it won't be small either, it'll block a doorway if it had to. Gah. Gah. Gah.

To be little miss half-glass full.... I HAVEN'T WORN A WIG BEFORE HURRAH!!! (It'll be fun. Really. If it's nice, maybe I can request to steal it) I can headbutt people with minimal damage on both sides! (but erm, beats the purpose?)


I can hide my personal belongings in them.

Like Marge Simpson. Yeah...!

Dang... that one hellish long blog entry. Summore no pics (on the way, on the way!!!)... If you reached here, you've prolly read the beginning and skipped the middle. It's the thought that counts anyway lol.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

These Midget Pencils

If you were to look into my pencil box in my younger days, you'd notice a lot of midget pencils. A one-inch midget to be exact. However, its destination is not a direct flight to the dustbin, oh no. They remained in my pencil box. Plenty of two midgets stapled together by their feet. But as time passed with more pencils were lovingly used, my pencil box couldn't accomodate the overpopulation of these midget pencils. So it was migrated to my drawer.

[lame poem ahead *swt*]

You can't use them anymore,
and they are just an eyesore
so go and throw them away!
the exasperated mother would say

and the girl protested with dismay,
but they just helped me the other day!
so how could i treat them with ingratitude today?
and so its departure i tried to delay.

[omg, this is what happens if ye stop writing poems for 3 years!!!]

Carefully considering the pencil's feelings. Heck, I think of objects' feelings more than I do for human's. Sometimes when I touch an object, something will run up the inside of my arms, often willing me scratch that object. Yea, I scratch a lot of my stuff. Yes. *scratch scratch* I'm just that weird brained kid.

So, my room is what would be commonly known as a junk center. A hamster hoarding seeds that will not bloom. It wasn't only pencils, but little scraps of papers that I treat as a good luck charm, interesting shaped stones I found, broken toys that I refused to throw and much more.

But soon, year after year I started cleaning out my room. One by one, these 'junks' are thrown away, a sudden disappearance from what I used to treasure. At first it was done with a heavy heart. Soon I learnt how to block these guilty feelings.

And they're gone. Just like that.

It's weird that I'm thinking of them now. Especially the pencils. The one who assisted me in my first A ever in Standard 1. The one who was scribbled angrily in a written argument between friends, and the paper it was used on was crumpled and thrown back and forth in a fury of childish dissatisfaction.

I'm not longing to return to the past by the way. No matter how much I miss those times, and say if I had the chance to go back, I'll say," Thanks but no... I'm still a bit screwed up now, still a bit awkward and the worse thing is I wouldn't truly want to exchange it with anything else."

That's just the idealist side of me speaking though. I locked Logic away at the moment so it won't interrupt Idealist again. Harrumph.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Trapped dogs, the webcam series

Jeng jeng jeng!

I present you... the


Milo the miniature pincher (Body fat 0% | Fur Glory 1%)
the... dunno-what-breed (Body fat 30% | Fur Glory 60%).

and of course...
the human being + confused insane hippo (Body fat 100% | Fur Glory STFU)

The situation
Visitor from outside arrive at our doorstep and dislikes dogs. Dogs don't like her either. They want to give her rabies. Bark bark! So Father of the house chucked them in Gianne's air-conned room. Bark bark.

Gianne's messy room provides a temporary distraction...

...but soon....

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milo: *been with gianne for two years* Haihsey, bored oledi la, can i go bite the visitor now?

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madie: gianne! finished exploring your super messy room!

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milo: yea yea, whatever, can i go now?

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gianne: NOOO!!! Cannot! I catch you!

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gianne: *evil laughter*
: dowan dowan! lemme go! HELPPPPPPP!!!!

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gianne: okay, okay!!!.... whatever... eh... wait...

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gianne: madie, i catch you!!! Mwahahahahaha...!!!

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gianne: ... i just realised you look like chewbacca.
madie: *swt*

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madie: gianne, milo all alone, so cham la....
(milo's thought bubble: ...crap...the door's shut...)

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gianne: fine. i release you.

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madie: i teman you ah, jie jie....
milo: get ur furry ass over here, i'm freezing!
madie: ...oh you're welcome. *roll eyes*

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Disclaimer: No animals were harmed in the process and... my dogs do NOT have rabies okay!!!

Saturday, December 03, 2005


Yasmin Ahmad's blog is one of those rare ones that sparks something inside me. Her latest entry, November 29, made me rethink why did I, in the first place, yearned to be an artist. What am I doing here?

I had forgotten the enthusiasm displayed before I got into college. How desperate I was to get into any art college to fuel my passion. Any will do. As long I could learn tons, be more exposed to the art scene.

I ended up in LUCT. The irony. Ha. ha. Stop laughing.

At least there's my friends (Collective 'aw' pls)

Anyhoo, I'm very familiar with the donkey story, of how the farmer and his son with their donkey tried to please everyone. In the end, the donkey fell into a river and died. Yay. It's another of those moral stories, that tries to impart it's simple wisdom.

Aware of it, yes.

And yet I still do.

Like a path we tread on with purpose, I had walked on, trying to survive, trying to keep moving forward. A journey changes a person. At the beginning, I keep glancing back at my starting point, but the further I go, I lost sight of it, too engrossed in moving forward. Soon, even the roots disappeared from my mind's eye. Why am I threading this lalang path while peeking on others' path and ignoring my own. What would my trophy look like?

The shoes at the end of their road will not fit my feet.

Now I stop midway. The grass tall, surrounding me. If there's a big rock and a loud drowning waterfall, the picture would be perfect, hahahah. But no, the grass is fine, thankyouverymuch. Stop, halt, before any damage has gone to far to be undone.

Close your eyes and remember.

I did.

The jumbledness in my head made clearer on paper. Where my 'weirdness', the ideas, make a statement. It's a narcassist thing, but it's my expression, which has many room for improvement.

I repaid this by following guidelines, creating to my lecturer's taste. For the letter, A.

These grades mean nothing. But it had me, at a knifepoint, because there's always a fear. The fear that the scholarship dept won't be pleased with my results. The fear of letting people down. The fear of being placed in the same category society abhors. The fear that held my legs in chains (no kinky stuff here dear readers =P). Oh apologies, I keep mixing the reason why I do art and my life together.

I know that art has to appeal to viewers as well, but as repeated so many time, art is so subjective. I understand that it has to be a balance, and shouldn't lean either way. Yet I still want to develop my own style because after all, I'm in college... it's the only time I could do things the way i want to. But I still want people to like my art. Meh. Damn you gianne, for being a bloody Libran!

That's all for self-reflection today, before more nonsense starts spewing out, as am getting rather tired. Thank you kind sirs and ma'ams, for your eyes.

(I swear this is the last paragraph) I had a little disagreement with life lately. Had felt unbearably disappointed and furious and depressed. But like lovers after a silly fight, I'm back to her arms again, the warmth vanishing the doubts I have. The fight number? 23948723562357028560286. Maybe I miss a thousand or so, but you know, what the heck.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Please and Thank You

Collected my MyKad, and thank the forces of nature, it didn't come out as badly as predicted! PHEW! Bloody relief that is. Got into a little mess prior to collecting it. I missed my turn by 4 numbers and humbly, meek-faced went to the counter where I took my number to ask the lady what should I do. She gestured to the counters and said, "Pergi sana, dan cakap kamu ada missed number."

So I waited for any counter to be empty and when there was, I approached the lady there and while brandishing my number, told her, "Minta maaf, saya ada missed number," and she snapped, "Tadi pergi mana?!?". I replied, "Saudara sesat, tak tau naik sini...", but before I finished, she snapped rudely, "Pergi duduk! Duduklah! Tunggu sampai semua habis!!!"

Knowing I'm in the wrong, I just said sorry and thanks. And sat at the waiting place while more numbers were called. But I was feeling quite blur. More people were streaming in and I was wondering when will everyone be finished!

Then I spotted another lady in front who asked all the counters and when her number was called through the automated system, I noticed she missed her number too. So before she went out, I tapped her arm to ask her I'm in the same spot as her, so what should I do? She goes, "Oh, you gotta ask all the counters, see which one has your number."


If I didn't ask her, I'll be sitting there the whole day like an idiot. Anyway, there was only 3 operating counters, so I asked one (when empty) and she peeks at my number and says, "Ah, bukan di sini... Try counter lain?". And so I waited for the last counter to be empty, and then asked the guy there. He looked and nods his head, and tells me to wait a moment. After that my number was called out and within minutes I'm done.

You know what, I don't mind her scolding me. I don't mind that she's impolite to me. I deserve it I suppose... But don't give me the wrong information!!! I didn't even show her my number! What the....

I could do the whole Government-servant-bashing-thing, by twisting my story to make me look like an innocent lamb and them, big ugly hooked nosed monsters.... but I think the truth is generally better than lies =). The others were polite, and only one was rude. So... where was I? I went to eat something quick. Because my friend asked me to accost him and I didn't think much about it. My number was 42/43 (another for me mam) and when I left, the number was 10 I think. But I didn't rush back fast enough I suppose. And yea, I didn't say that to the rude lady because she might just skin me alive (O_o) <[want me to die, is it????]

Hobbit tells me that government servants don't get much thanks. He said when you tell them thanks, they're like, not used to hearing that word. I think it's a stupid that some people treat promoters, waiter/waitresses etc with rudeness as though people in the service line are below them. I hate people with attitudes like that. I always make a point to be polite and thank them if possible.... Unless you're those type of promoters that follows me around the shop, breathing down my neck. You're irritating. At least 1 meter away please.

But ERGH, I always regret being polite and nice to rude people!!! But it usually takes me 10 minutes to realise that they've been rude. Crap! XD

On a brighter note, I got my commission for the supplement phone lines I sold three mths ago! RM65!!! EXCELLENT! Just when I'm broke, lol.

But the spending began...

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... I need a proper camera. Digital. Hate the low quality photos that my webcam produce. It's actually a webcam me loaned from dad... my old chunky webcam is awesome, but stupid logitech (formerly known as Connectix) don't offer Connectix Quickcam driver download. GRRRR! Besides, college assignments require it and sometimes my hand itches to take some photographs [art students are poor because of their love =(].

Kinda miss developing my own pictures, albeit b&w only. But my photos are dead boring... Need I add that my manual camera is wonky and gave me several white hairs last semester *cries*.

Anyway that's from a shop right smack between Sungei Wang and BB Plaza line! It's lovely! BTW, the neon green mesh is sinfully desaturated in that pic! I swear it's wayyyy brighter than that. I know what I'm gonna do with the black mesh, but the green.... Hmmm... it's just really gorgeous and I HAD to get it.

I'll figure something out later... lol.

Next, it was Basheer's, which sells awesome artbooks (damn pricey though), and you could stand there to read or glaze your orbs over the amount of eye candies (but at the same time the store owner will be looking grumpily at you. You'll learn to ignore it after a while [o)_(o]-> thick skinned, lol). And so... I got Territory, RM27 (price hike by RM2, eeek).

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V nice book that features artists around the world, for example:

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A plus point is that it smells really really good... *snorts it like a drug* That printed book fresh smell, not those library stuffy smell. It brings back memories too, sort of.

After that I'm officially broke. Amazing. The brief moment of having RM65 extra in my pocket... gone just like that. Fleeting love gone! Damn.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

i wished i had a reason

Lost again, broken and weary
unable to find my way
tail in hand, dizzy and clearly
unable to just let this go

I am surrendering to gravity and the unknown
catch me, heal me,
lift me back up to the sun
I choose to live...

I fell again, Like a baby
Unable to stand on my own
Tail in hand, dizzy and clearly
Unable to just let this go
- A Perfect Circle, Gravity

Swimming in a CSI-like blue world but still have the courtesy to credit the lyrics. You gotta hand it to me.

It's starting all over again... what the fuck is wrong with me?

Maybe I slipped one step, and missed the rhythm. The notes are dancing across and I can't keep up. High kick, cross legs, jump jump. I can't even kick that high.

Maybe because for once I felt safe. These limbs relaxed. Wrong move. Checkmate, you're dead. The safer I feel the more I die.

I miss floating in the pool, ears below the surface and just staring into the sky. Like a confused turd (urm, isn't this THAT pool?)

Sometimes the clouds move languidly across the dull Malaysian skies, or perhaps it's me. The rays hurt my eyes.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Thinking Once Again

I solemnly swear to not rely on thinking that my writing will be safe when typed directly into blog-entry box. Because Firefox failed me. And all gone. All gone, ye read me????

Back to trusty Notepad and Ctrl+S after every few paragraphs. Pffftt.

Today there was a seesaw on my head. One side is giddy happiness and the other is gloomy sadness.And the riders were bloody active. They played from morning till night. It's like cartoon, you know? Jerry bonking Tom with a club (and please, bonking as in 'whack!' and NOT the other... 'bonk' =D). It's like *BONK!* Tom becomes a gentle wussy pussycat. *BONK!* Back to normal. *BONK!* Here nice kitty kitty kitty... BLOODY BRAIN YOU'RE CONFUSING ME!!!!

Or is it my heart? Heart disguising as brain and vice versa?

Hot cold hot cold hot cold, if objects would crack, what about humans?

Why when I think that everything is finally alright and the opposite will come whooping the air out of my stomach? It takes a moment to breathe again. I think simple things in a complicated way. Many a times, I cannot describe emotions nor my thoughts. what I really want. Maybe it's just jumbledness in disguise.

Let me attempt anyway.

I feel like life is getting boring. I feel that as a friend, I'm not good enough. I feel and know that what I do is not up to my standard and it's depressing. I feel that I've gone more selfish and less kind. And I'm feeling exceptionally tired at my ineptness in dealing with... everything, really.

Hmmm... What else.

I feel that I should stop eating Oreos (double stuffing) because I'm getting fat. It's the cookie that's nice though.


Polaroid transfers are effin' cool. Oh sorry, mind wandered there. Am 5 days into my four mths holiday and am a bit reluctant to work, but the moolah is needed. Work for money? Or experience? It's just fuel for my interests. And of course, own money = less burden on haggard parents. Sigh. I'll job-hunt next week then.

Going off, as bro wanna use my pc. And curiously, am feeling rather fatigued after midnight... very curious for a night owl like me.

Oyasuminasai, minna-san.


Sunday, November 20, 2005

Love is love

[rant below related to recent hoo-has over the marriage (legally not) which the wife was a man before, and those who oppose it]
[those who dunno wtf I'm talking abt: here]

Alright, I'm getting rather pissed off at those stubborn idiots.

Don't they get it? By stripping them of their human qualities and just labelling them a sinners or transexuals (btw, I do NOT think that these two has any bloody relation to each other), they would rather DENY these people, human beings who are trying to be themselves (hence be happy), their rights and prefer to subject them to discrimination. To a job, to marriage etc.

And also from a newspaper, they can't get health insurance, can't get loans, can't buy a house, can't adopt a child, nor be admitted to a women's ward in hospital. So many CAN'Ts hor? WAIT---!!! they CAN be subjected to arrest for cross-dressing. *smack head* Mada faka...

So you would rather let them suffer, by both legally and personally, reminding them that by being who they are, it's bad. Sinful. Please wallow in self-hatred and don a mask. I don't like you because you're unlike me.

Man, it really boils my blood when I saw this:

"Datuk Seri Harussani Zakaria, Perak State Mufti, said there is no such thing as a man trapped in a woman’s body in Islam.

“If you are born male, you are a male. A boy may start to feel like a girl due to his surroundings when he was growing up. Perhaps his parents wanted a daughter so badly that they dressed up him as a girl when he was young.

“Or the boy, being the only son, was influenced by the feminine behaviour of his sisters. That could also happen if the boy grew up in a household of women with no strong male figure,” said Harussani when asked to comment on Islam’s view on transsexuals."

Good grief! How close-minded can you be? How could you be so blinded to reality?

Let me tell you a story. My uncle grew up in a typical chinese family of macho men. But ever since young, he'd play with dolls, carry around teddy bear bags, wear girl clothes... He's also very gentle and more feminine than his mom. his family TRIED to boy-ify him, but to no avail (take that Datuk Seri!). And yes, he was and is subjected to many ridicules, even from his own father.

That Uncle of mine has since turned Auntie. Very pretty; fair, slim and all. Yea, I'm a bit what?

Now back to boiling my blood.

Sinner? I COULD argue that there are robbers, rapists, abusers, murderers, liars, con artists and so on, that are far worse than what they deem transexuals as. Now that I think of it, the idiots are producing barriers for a group of people who are trying to lead normal lives... so are they not sinners themselves?

*imagine scheming crooked-nosed witch plotting behind darkened windows*

Do you really think by making things hard for them that you will succeed in suppressing future 'trannies'? You really underestimate the complexity of human souls. Or maybe it's really simple and you're just making it complex.

To the staunch and obstinate peeps: I'm not asking you to be flexible. I'm asking you to be human.

To the recently married couple: Congratulations! To Joshua who loves her regardless and Jessie who is brave enough to be who she is.

Friday, November 18, 2005

I'm in love

....with Michael Buble's Save the Last Dance for me. Hahah, tricked ya, didn't i?

I have never heard a song, that provokes a nerve reaction to my legs, giving them dreams of dancing across the hall.

At least mine did... around the confines of my room anyway. Not to mention the confines of the length of my headphones' wires, hahaha. Imaginary dance partner (... t-shirt) and all.

Keep replaying it on my Winamp. Romance, bittersweet memories, the idea of just being near someone you love, beaches, disco ball lights whirlwind in the hot tub. And oh, also Justin and Brian waltzing into my brain, at Justin's prom. Brian wrapping his white scarf around Justin and pulling him closer...

One of the most romantic moments I've ever seen on a TV show.

Now *cough* that's all i'll say on it, before I turn into a mushy mashed potato human being. But I'm feeling all love love now, I dunno why. I blame it on that song.

You can dance-every dance with the guy
Who gives you the eye,let him hold you tight
You can smile-every smile for the man
Who held your hand neath the pale moon light
But don't forget who's takin' you home
And in whose arms you're gonna be
So darlin' save the last dance for me

Oh I know that the music's fine
Like sparklin' wine,go and have your fun
Laugh and sing,but while we're apart
Don't give your heart to anyone
But don't forget who's takin' you home
And in whose arms you're gonna be
So darlin' save the last dance for me

Baby don't you know I love you so
Can't you feel it when we touch
I will never never let you go
I love you oh so much

You can dance,go and carry on
Till the night is gone
And it's time to go
If he asks if you're all alone
Can he walk you home,you must tell him no
'Cause don't forget who's taking you home
And in whose arms you're gonna be
So darling,save the last dance for me

'Cause don't forget who's taking you home
And in whose arms you're gonna be
So darling,save the last dance for me
Save the last dance for me
Save the last dance for me.

The first lines of the song =
. Tugs my heart strings and gets brain to think of warm arms.

Madie's asleep on my floor next to me, while Milo's on my bed, pillow. I don't dare to roll my chair because I might run over her tail. (<-- happened numerous times *swt* ). I'm a total messy hippo, and my comforter's on the floor with my dog. Some people will scream in horror over that, but then again I'm not too much on cleanliness, an apparently bad trait for a result of a XY chromosome. I sayang them so much. I especially love burying my face in Madie's fur. I don't think I'll ever call anyone baby without thinking of them.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

It's comforting

Currently am at my cousin's place, in Cyberia on the 5th floor. And yep alone since am here just to watch her abundance of TV series and anime collection XD. I handed in my final assignment(video) today~~!!!!! HURRAH!!! Four mths of holiday...Gimme 2 weeks and I'll be wanting to return to coll =/.

It rained just now, I didn't realised it as am on headphones.... It's really nice... Evening has just slipped in and you could hear and see the rain. Very comforting and made me smile.

That's all I want to say, kthxbai.

Monday, November 14, 2005


i fucking hate it when people threaten me. my handicap is your weapon? just because i don't know how to do something and your help is necessary and you brandish that fact everytime i do something that you do not agree? that's just low.

thanks a lot man! you fucking ruined my mood for the next 12 hours. people could say, let it be. what's the point of being mad? reminds me of someone who'd tell me, it's necessary to let go, anger is just a illusion.

well, it won't be an illusion once i kill that idiot with my bare hands.

seriously, no lah. i don't staining my hands with blood or else i'll turn into lady macbeth.

but at times, really cannot take it. these people are making me into a timebomb.

lack of sleep thus piss-offness is teethering on sheer rage.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Eunice Lee

We often see news of death in the papers. As the article progresses, there'd be the deceased's love ones telling how good, kind, caring he/shewas before the End blackened the horizon for the victim. And we'd tsk-tsk for a moment, feel sad for a moment.

And that's it. Really. We don't know them except for that three lines of column-shortened sentences in one article.

We don't feel much because all we have proof of her/his life is in the words of others.

But when it's their own words... their own words on how their life were before the End. A glimpse of life before the mortality-clock stops. A Vibrant Soul suddenly coughed, choked and died. Fullness becomes Emptiness. Elvis has left the building. This gnawing feeling is in my chest that I can't seem to shake off for the moment.

If you've been following Malaysian news, you'd know of Eunice Lee's death. She's only 18. She's a Straight-A student and participated in this year's Seventeen competition. She studied in Maluri Secondary School, TAR College and KDU. An active Rotaract member and a recipient of The Star Education Fund.

Black and white, and printed to millions.

Then a stumble into her blog. One blog that will never be updated again. That little peek is heartbreaking.

26th September 1987 ~ 19th October 2005
Eunice, I do not know you, but may you rest in peace... More than 500 people attended your memorial, that's your footprints carved in stones.

My mother commented it was such a pity. Furthermore she's a Straight-A student.

Is it really?

Is that how we measure a life's worth?

What's behind your smile?

"Knowing that I'm alive. Every day is full of surprises and I'm excited to know what can happen in a matter of 24 hours!" Eunice Lee Cay Shing, 17, Seventeen Cover Girl Search 2005

Saturday, November 05, 2005

My bum's gotten flatter

Ladies and gentlemen. Invisible and invincible beings. Mr Air and Mrs Dust.

In the past week, my bum's been superglued to mah chair. The owner of this bum has also been spotted chugging chinese tea and michael jackson drink (soya + cincau) down along with cheese, chocolate, peanuts, mentos, oreos and other random tidbits. Occasionally her father would toss in a lil' bottle of chicken essence.

And MAN, I screwed up my time. Seriously. People would be getting ready to go out of lunch and I'd be, Mmmmmm...bed.... *cue zombie-walking*

During dinnertime, I'd wake up and say, "What's for lunch?"

And I won't sleep for long either, I sleep about an average of 4 hours. Sometimes I can't even keep track whether if I've eaten or not etc.

No wonder I haven't been feeling good lately. T.T

This happens when you've been lazy for the past weeks. THREE assignments cramped into 10 days of work! Used up about 5 days for my 3D, 2 for my video (which, according to 4 out of 5, is sleep-inducing and uncomperehensible *cries*) and the rest for my 2D animation. And 1/4 of the time is just me trying to get used to the controls and stuff.

... and my video is abstract-based, dammit!!! I like watching movies like Virgin Suicides and Not One Less and all those slow movies people deem boring! But mine is like, worse, lol. Haih. My fault for being overambitious and cramping too many scenes into 5 minutes.

But justifying my movie won't make a lot people like it so... like LC said, if it's bad, just treat it like a lesson; it's a risk I took and failed. Oh well, yea, lesson learnt, and will NOT make abtract films. Ever again. I should tweak the video a wee bit more, but can't be bothered. Am much more lax this sem, last sem I was working my ass off nonstop to get a handful of A's but this sem? More to enjoying this short college life. Ergh, was a total bitch + anal retentive person last sem.

BTW, just kidding about giving up on a type of film. I'm just grumpy, sleepy and sad. Gimme candy.

Here's my finished AND presented work for two of my classes (we had to do postcards, front and back, based on a quote, lyric, etc). Some, not all.

Like a phoenix you rise from the ashes - Vienna Teng Eric's Song

How can a bird that is born for joy, sit in a cage and sing? - William Blake The Schoolboy

I'm not suffering from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
(and yes, this is me, with drag-queen elements. the other 'model' is kezia, my friend-> top postcards)

All the pictures inside are taken by me in a combined two hours walk around my neighbourhood. The pics were pretty dull, BUT Photoshop = Magic.

Enough procrastinating, for am getting really lazy. Awaiting the 4 months of hols with the eagerness of an excited child... but I think it'll really be boring hor. Maybe I'll take up a hobby. Or two.

Back to my animation and chugging chinese tea.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Ardent pursuer

the smell of stale rice permeating the air of your life. The case of opening a door and the same smell bursts out, whooshing over the space between your fingers, between each strand of hair and it fills, fills your nostrils, seeping into every cell in your body and its murky tendrils creep toward towards your brain.

Overwhelms, nauseates.


My ardent pursuer.

When I speak, you turn your back, whistling to the wall.

When you speak, you even expect the friggion' dusts to listen to your shit.

This bubble of acid that you supplied don't hold long, it drips, with absolute potential.

Keep your insults to yourself. I'm tired of smiling while you pull the chair from beneath me.

Everytime I see you, every single wrong done to me, it swirls in confusion and merges like layers into You were the teacher who hurled words like daggers right in my face. You were the one who pushed me down and ran away skipping and laughing. You were the one who stroked her hand after you struck her down. You were the one smiling smugly expecting your verbal shit to be worshiped.

Goddammit, I'm not Dalai Lama.

Hold back, don't breathe. The stars are strolling onto the platform. my heart on the stage and my mind in the back. I gave way to the current boss. It's all there is, folks, before curtain call, but this heart is a doll and the mind, a puppeteer. Prim, proper heart, coated with the shell of the mind, wanting to burst but hold, hold back. Don't panic. Don't fear. Don't rage.

Don't breathe.

Sunday, October 30, 2005


I snitched this from Charlene (aka my actress!! jealous anot? XD), who snitched it from GingerTom.


1. Marriage is a civil union, even if you're straight. Marriage requires a license and a legal signature and it does not require a ceremony or vows made in the name of God, Allah, Jehovah or any other manifestation of religion. If you want a divorce, you go to court and not to church.

2. Marriage grants certain rights to those who enter into it and the right to inherit joint property, the right to make health care decisions, the right to raise children as a legally recognized couple and the right to protection from spousal abuse.

3. Homosexuality/bisexuality and transgenderness is not a lifestyle, it is a sexual orientation, as is heterosexuality, which most people are born with.

4. Pedophiles are not heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual. Pedophiles are predators, whether they seduce/coerce/rape little boys or little girls. Their sexual orientation is aimed toward prepubescent children.

5. Homosexuals and bisexuals, like heterosexuals, are hoping for a loving relationship with a consenting adult.

6. Homosexuals and bisexuals are no more likely to be sex-obsessed than heterosexuals. They are not looking to convert straights into gayness.

7. If you know 10 people, it is likely that one is gay or bisexual. Not all gay men are flaming queens; not
all lesbians are butch bikers.

8. Some of them are your coworkers, some of them are your neighbors, some go to the same church you do,
some have children going to school with yours. All of them are taxpayers, consumers, voters, club members,
or volunteers.

9. ALL of them are human beings with good traits, bad traits, wants, needs, and dreams. Every one of them is
someone's child, someones's brother or sister, someone's friend.

Re-post this if you believe that life is more than separation and division of human based on race, color of the skin, religion, sexual identity/orientation, gender, physical appearance, etc (",)


And another journal-snitching (Charlene again, lol)



You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

> At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

>When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

>A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

>A young son asked,
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

>Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."

>Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

>If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention
to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

>Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through
life thinking they had no faults at all.

>First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

> " A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man ,
to Love and to forgive him, and for patience, for his moods.
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death "

>Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives,they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of
the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him : "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at
the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus . so shut the hell up."


I don't like the idea of marriage, but like my friends would retort, "Sekali you're the first to get married and get pregnant with twins!" *swt* Hope it isn't the other way round. XD. Not against marriage btw, just ain't for me.

Was passing some tacky plastic flower loaded wedding shop today and my mom mentioned, wah next time you get married, I'll be shopping here *cue dreamy look in eyes* and *cue incredulous look in daughter's*. What did I just thought again?? I told her wah, like that if I ever marry, I'll do it in another country. On a mountain top. With jagged paths. And near the cliff. This is the part when I'll explain my mom hates climbing, exercise and other strenous activities. Anyway as long as difficult for my mom to access. Then she goes, what kind of daughter are you!! ur wedding dun let ur own mother go. But she's laughing when she said that.

And yea, resorted to copy+paste thing, 'cause of bloody work. and some buzzing mozzie is just waiting to receive my 'applause'.

And am done with two presentations!!! Well, rolled into one anyway. Four more to go. Bloody. I'll upload my postcard when I have time in my DevArt. Meanwhile, if you're interested, you can view my website ASSignment @ geocites! =(. I wanna get a domain like Seiji did. Moo. Dunno can reveal it anot, so I didn't. BTW, mah contact form ain't workin', so don't bother using it.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

The sweetest thing today

5am and I'm asleep! I'm sleep-blogging. Yes I am. Well erm, more prone to utter extreme crappiness in the early morn. Me heart's palpating like mad. I don't feel like sleeping, because there's thoughts in my head that are meant to be said,

At least to me anyway...

I crept downstairs hoping my mom's friend's gone so I can complain to her about the discomfort/sick feeling I had since 6pm. Nevermind that it's 5am. Nevermind that 12 hours wait is too long for a complaint. But patience is the virtue right? Maybe if I ever get stabbed and my 'lifesaver' is busy, I'll just wait until I become anemic, start to hemorrage and then die. Then haunt the said person to complain as a ghost. Wah, I so optimistic leh!!! More like stupidity + determination XD.

See. Crapping again. Back to story. So I'm all 'late-husband-with-pissed-off-wife-holding-pan' a'creeping and it's all snores downstairs. My mom's sleeping on the sofa, her friend on the other sofa and my dad on the floor hugging pillows, snoring. Madie perked up from her dog nap, at my silent footsteps and tilted her head quizically.

And the first thing that ran around my head like Speedy Gonzales on hyperdrugs was... Isn't that the sweetest thing?

It's weird, I know. It's not even cute babies in their pastel-coloured one suit 'jammies', sucking their thumbs and cooing adoringly in their oh-so-kawaii baby cots. Instead it's just three middle-aged adults asleep in the living room (I refrained self from uttering the word 'old'). Haha, I hope they will never ever stumble on this statement. The TV's still on. Wonder if I should sneak back down, and turn it off.

I just wished that at moments like this, time would freeze so I can run to my room, take my SLR camera and snap a shot (@#$#@$%$#^$^ I need a digi cam!!! I can't bloody drag my webcam, which is not working btw, all the way downstairs can I? Can I?). But time doesn't. And besides, I don't have film in my SLR. Instead I run back to my room. Take a piss. Then blog.

Just finished my website for Monday's presentation. But not the time frame, proposal and target audience. Bloody bloody. Highly worried about the rest of my assignments. I'm such a dilly dallier + procrastinator. Keep surfing the net instead of doing my ASSignments (giving me loads of shite, yea). Ah why?

I just got addicted to LiveJournal.

I'm serious. It's like some kind of drug. There's so many communities that intrigues me.

Argh, can't stand it anymore.

Am off to meet my 'drug dealers'.

Haha no lah, mau tidor. ZzzZZZzzzZ now!

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Geek on the loose!

Omigod, I solved it! My website has some probs showing its CSS properly in Firefox but a few tweaking to the CSS file and it's working! SO happy!!! *dances hamster dance*

Haven't been doing webbies for like ages and had forgotten the little joys I receive when I solve some HMTL probs... Like when I first found out abt targets when using frames, managing floating layers etc!!

I'm such a geek, and proud! So what? Sue me or spank me if you like. But don't take my computer away.

*strokes computer* Sayang, sayang... *purr*

GAME BOY - Born to Play
A GAME-BOY. Youre like a tomboy without the love of
sports. Reality sucks, but as long as you have your electronics
you feel you can cope. Time goes unnoticed when you're locked
in your roomhooked up to your Nintendo, rocking to your
favourite collection of guitar-driven albums.
Your virtues: Intelligence, sense-of-humour, individuality.
Your flaws: Inability to cope with real life, action-freak spirit, reclusive nature.

Your Personality type is the only type that would
like this cool online gothic Game:

What kind of girl are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

So much to my hippie, live-with-nature dream. Nyeh.

Toodles now.

If you stop being naughty, I'll give you a sweet

Was just done reading four backlogged newspapers aka the source of irony and humour imho, due to my hectic scrambling to finish my website assignment the weekend before.

It easily takes up 2 hours ++ of my time, sigh. But there's a good side to it. The thing I like about reading old newspapers is that when there's an article that catches my attention, it's free to just ripppppp it out! I often read or see highly interesting articles and images respectively, but it's just plain unconsiderate to take parts of a newspaper when my family hasn't read them. So I'd think, Hmm, nevermind la, tomolo only cut out. Later I'd forget. Until perhaps, two three weeks later, when sometimes I'd run to the used papers section of my house and rummage through the stack of newspapers and if I'm lucky it's still there and it has not been sacrificed as doggie toilet-mat. Where poo and pee may make the person's face on it crinkly and smelly.

Oh, gone off trail. Meant to talk about rule breakers and the law inforcement's way to tackle it. I'm sure most of us will be aware of the "discounted traffic summons" given to the law breakers of the road. I mean, yea, okay, kudos to them honest policemen who didn't succumbed to bribes. Then the people don't pay up. Instead of fining them further, did they have to resort until DISCOUNTS? It's like legally bribing! Where's the pride, man??

IT'S the Great Malaysian Sale, people!
Hurry up, pay yer summonses!!!
If you miss it... well, there's always next year!!

*throws confetti into a silent crowd*
The only things missing are the contest/lucky draw and prizes. And Siti Nurhaliza on the stage.

Then recently the MyKad roadshow. To encourage people to get their new IDENTITY CARDS. Pause. A roadshow for what? Isn't that supposed to be our responsibility? Handphone lines I can understand but this? Even got "Perodua MyVi and other prizes totalling RM350,000"! @#!$%#$!!! Eh, I registered before the roadshow, wonder if I'll be eligible for it, hmm... Aiyooo, are Malaysians really that tidak-apa? Must be coaxed out? MyGod, until have to treat us like kids...

“We will also be going to the rural areas, prisons and drug rehabilitation centres to help as many people apply for MyKad before the deadline.”

Okay la, to be fair, I agree with the places mentioned above. Granted, it would be hard for the authorities later if irresponsible citizens didn't sign up before deadline. But no need to call it 'roadshow' la weh. At least alter it to make it sound more like an urgent matter than a fun fair. Maybe the name will be more long-winded like, "Setting up booths in XX areas so it'll be more convenient for Malaysians to register...". Haih.

On another note, the whole animal cruelty/abuse thing. The highlight recently was a protected species, a tiger in four pieces destined for the cooking pot: image = a bit gory, click at own risk

It's sad to see such a majestic feline all cut up like that. BOO on you poachers! BOO on you fur-wearing people! And also to those people who use them as aphrodisiacs. I don't know how they can fuck so happily away when a beautiful creature had to die for their short muscle spasm. Which part of 'protected species' and 'it doesn't work' do they not understand? I wonder.

a bit ironic isn't it? a dying species on earth killed so an overpopulated species can go on reproducing. Bah.

And that dog-abuser... only fined RM100??? That is so kacang for a city dweller!!! $%&%^**^#^#%#^^$%&!!!!! What's this spirited talks to prevent animal cruelty but the punishment doesn't teach them a lesson at all? When are they going to upp the fines? When are they gonna ban animal-abusers to get another pet (to abuse) again? Okay la, there would be loopholes in the latter possible-law because they can register the pet under another name. So meanwhile, the fines should be quadrupled. Twice. Let them feel the 'pain' of their actions.

Eh, what happened to those petitions that I've signed so far on this subject???


On a lighter note, I -heart- Dita Von Teese. She's gorgeous, her style rocks. A blast from the past. I want to be reincarnated as Dita. But I don't want Marilyn Manson hanging off one of my arms.

Damn, I over-typed... Need to return to me werk!!



Thursday, October 13, 2005



Ritual dance worked?

Kezia gave me a cute doggie keychain and two slices of cakes for me bday. Happy!

Went to Macy's in Chee Cheong Kai, and the people there kept following like 1 feet close... first time so close. THREE of them weh. I can't look around meh??? My face = shoplifter face???? paiseh.

That's all for now. Off to do me werk.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Distressed Hippo is not a sight to behold...

Once upon a time, which was yesterday, a certain hippo was at her desk ready to start her lonnngg backlogged work starting with her 3D modelling. Her feet accidently nudge something. And then blank screen, restart, cannot detect NTLSR (or some shit like that). A burnt smell filled the air. Look down, it's coming from the hard disk.

The innocent hippo notices that, and goes,

"Oh. Fuckage."

Then she flees to her brother, who sniffed and prodded and restarted the PC, confirmed that the transmitter on the disk is barbequed and tells me to find Old Man Inside the House. She knows it's her fault for letting the harddisks hang out like exposed intestines without putting it in properly. She didn't think much about it. Until then. *bangs head on wall*

OMIH aka Dad was out, so she waits and frets and fans the overheated hardware.

He returns, she rushes to him brandishing the harddisk like her baby and waited with bated breath... he announces it Unrecoverable.

U . n . r . e . c . o . v . e . r . a . b . l . e .

It felt surreal for a while. Like I'm floating in space with stars, Gundams, aliens, and Michael Jackson. The psychologically-damaging words said were drifting across my brain that has turned into a jelly-like substance, hence it's moving through a painfully slow pace and letting each pixel of the letters sink in.

I went stupid.

I kept trying to find reasons on why can't my harddisk be saved.

I SMS-ed Kezia, Lean Chiew and Charlene about it.

I cried and moaned for the demise of all my digital pictures, the little burst of inspiration poured into Notepad, the mangas and movies I bittorent-ed, the precious bookmarks I made in Firefox,and most of all, my Sem 3 assignments (which includes my actress, Charlene's PERFECT narration and singing in .wav files!!!)

Maybe it's not so perfect like how I imagined it to be. But now that it's potentially, 90% sure gone, it's like the subtle tones, can never be recreated again, no matter how many times I were to record it. The greatness of its memory since the missing status.

It feel bloody bad when you're doing your work on computer and the power goes off and you didn't save your work. But this... Multiply it by a thousand. The pain... the pain...! oh, the tragedy...

You know what? Everything is falling into pieces now! Have been aiya-ing to my mom, brother, buddies, ownself etc that I'm such a lazy lump of potato. i barely did my work until last week. And now all my hard work, however minuscule, is gone bye-bye.

The loss is not too massive in elephant scale because my files in there are all pretty new due to the fact that my harddisk just died about three months before. And most of the data before that was burned into DVDs. Thank goodness for that.

But the thing is... I can't even USE my computer. For website building, no prob, I can do 'em in me ma's pc, using Frontpage. Digital Imaging as well, because it also has Photoshop 5.5 . But...but... 3DsMax, Illustrator, Flash, Premiere HOW???? *runs around pulling hair from head* The mouse is acting a bit wonky as well. And there's no USB port, it's back to the diskette age.

Kami-sama! Why bestow such bad luck upon this little earthling when her bloody deadlines are only two friggin' weeks away???

Note the 'S' on the deadlines. The S!!! Sssssssss.... *runs out of air*

Strangely about an hour after that, was more upbeat than usual. On the bright side, won't be doing any work when I'm home. Instead, more to planning on how to execute it. In coll. Yes. Will travel to coll to do my work. Yes. Three hours to travel back and forth. Yes.

Beatles sang, let it be, let it beeee, so I guess I'll take a leaf out of their lyrics on this one.

I told Charlene that am doing the 'Save-my-Harddisk' ritual dance to the Higher Power.

So my dear readers, or chatting to self like crazy girl, this is why I'm typing this now in the humble seat of mah college's computer lab. With my own mouse. Their mouse sucks bananas. Hah.

I feel so bad for my dad. You can see the pained look on his face as I showed him the offending hardware. Every computer left in my bare hands always screw-up. The time when I was 8 and I somehow crashed the computer (I knew DOS at this age!!!). The time when I was 13 and dragged my computer through the Internet computer virus heaven. The time when... I think you get the idea don't you?

And this hard disk is new. Barely 3 months old. Because my one before konked out on me (how could you failll meeeeee???). No warranty summore. Anyway, he's gonna ask his friend if there's any way to salvage it.

Bad luck doesn't stop there however. Oh nooo, there's ONE more surprise package.

As I was writing out my plans for this weekend's filming, with Charlene and Rachel (little girl), I smelt poo. Somewhere in my mind, and the fact that I have inborn blurness, I was thinking, crap, my luck is so bad until now also can smell??? But it's not 'Luck'. It's Milo, the overgrown rat. Aka miniature pinscher...'s Poo. Two little doos on my room's floor.

@$&%^*%! Bitch!

Lalala, happy days.

Speck of dust of a problem, really. In view of what happened to Pakistan. Sometimes I wish I knew how to practice medicine so could help. But no. Donations then. They need sleeping bags, blankets, food, medical supplies and more.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Superman, WonderGirl, those fashion faux-pas superheroes...?

From politicians to teachers to teenagers... Don't we wish to be able to stand firm on our own two feet while raging waves tumbles over us?

Or do we just put on a facade of a hard and proud shell when we're soft and mushy inside? I call it the 'Fried Taufoo Syndrome'.

Sometimes we just start choking, and drowning. We're not mermaids suited for this water.

Then we fall it's just so upsetting. We failed. We're not worthy enough. Put your head between bended legs to wail. This that and other. Maybe we shouldn't beat ourselves so hard over it.

I used to smile all the time, even though I'm crying inside. Even when I cry, I'd avoid making any noise at all. Loud sobbing, moaning... I bite the insides of my lips or my hand, almost drawing blood. For me, I saw it as a weakness, a vulnerable being exposed. Because I used to be a crybaby and was a target for taunts. So I grew scales like a pangolin. but i still look like a hippo when i curl up *grin*
Am not as strong as I look, as opposed to what certain people say about me. I just try really hard to meet other people's expectation for me. Yep, that's me. Rarely good at anything, but just because I give it my best shot and more. Tiring at times, but the outcome could be worth it. potential. still valid until it's over.

However time up for others and time out from my acting role. keep your clapper boards and lights. It's a foray never attempted before.


A Fool. Rushes into things. Do crazy stuff. Fools dare to dream and live it.

In the Tarot, it means a new beginning. a card of infinite possibilities. We're all fools at the starting line. Newly-cut-grass fresh, raring to sprint. Then the pistol goes 'BANG!' and off we go. In the initial part of the journey fools may not care of winning the race but explore the brand spanking new things they find along the way. Happy and unbearably naive. As they approach the end, they get more cautious and rarely do they veer offcourse like they would at first. But then again, they are fools no more.

Sign me up under 'Fool' please.


It's always a sad sight when you see someone carrying away another's material possesions. A strange struggle in my heart, halfway torn. Help, as compassionate human beings? Or respect his decision; let him be a man. He deserves that recognition and not be known to cower under maternal protective wing. And I chose the latter. But it's still heartbreaking to see their stuff sold and carried off, at a stinking low price.

I'm not trying to be righteous. It's just that when I love someone, I tend to point out their mistakes, at times cruel to be kind.

"Based on our policy and practice, the BN elected representatives cannot support a motion tabled by the Opposition."

If you're a Malaysian, you may have heard of two BN reps got lambasted for supporting a motion from the Opposition. I find it ridiculous. I'm not too sure of what motion the two BN reps supported, but that policy just sucks bananas. If it's good for the country, why not? Political parties exist for the people or for selfish reasons?

Reminds me of the China Communists. Long live the party. Those who oppose die la you.

From school to political parties... still suppressed.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

...shitty day for friend?

Was chatting with a friend over YahooMessenger. Suspecting he has internal hemorrhoids, he unloaded a massive amount of gory shit-shit information that... that someone who was eating curry chee cheong fun at that moment do NOT need to know. Summore was eating slightly lumpy Milo powder; oh, Ants tried to conquer it! But I prevailedddd!!! Giant, roawrrrrr!!!!!

Now what IS hemorrhoids? Google it, or click this and this for great visual support!!! (WARNING! at your own risk)

And he's jokey about it. A good patient that nurses would love to cuddle and insert needles gently into.

*bleep*(10/9/2005 2:51:57 AM): i'm not gonna have anal so no need to worry
freakishcity (10/9/2005 2:52:02 AM): ...
freakishcity (10/9/2005 2:52:08 AM): not worrying abt that
freakishcity (10/9/2005 2:52:10 AM): lol
freakishcity (10/9/2005 2:52:23 AM): cuz at the moment no matter who fucks you, u';d still be doing ur wokr
freakishcity (10/9/2005 2:52:34 AM): prolly scold the guy when he push too hard cuz he upset ur drawing
freakishcity (10/9/2005 2:52:37 AM): XDXDXDXD
*bleep*(10/9/2005 2:52:40 AM): ...............................................................
*bleep*(10/9/2005 2:52:52 AM): hmm but that souunds kinky tho
*bleep*(10/9/2005 2:52:55 AM): maybe i shud try one day
*bleep*(10/9/2005 2:52:59 AM): sexual drawings
freakishcity (10/9/2005 2:52:59 AM): *swt*
*bleep*(10/9/2005 2:53:00 AM): XD

I dont know why I keep laughing over this section. I'm demented. I belong to the halfway house. Get me a strait-jacket. Thank you, kind sir.

Continuance -> hari ini! Today la. In MSN pulak. Now suspecting colon cancer. This fella need to get his priorities straight...

*bleep* says:
pray its nothing serious or else i cant graduate
hyppogirl says:
hyppogirl says:
how about this "pray its nothing serious or else i'll die" ???/
*bleep* says:
oh yeah that too

friend's name protected under the psuedoym of *bleep*. Like Kill Bill. What's Uma Thurman's name in that?