Saturday, August 27, 2005

I can't think of a title

Maybe it's just me, but it seems like 27th of August, is a very hot day for meetings and other sorts of stuff to happen. It started with a primary school reunion that most were excited about, but in the end many couldn't make it, so we scrapped it off. Postponed la. I was rather disappointed, but there's always next time. When it's more convenient, bla bla. It's hard for everyone to have a free time slot at the same times. We're just so scattered; form 6, college, working et cetera. Actually that's about it. Felt quite guilty, because we could still go with 2/3 'reunited' friends in attendance, but I also pulled out. Jac and I were inviting, but it's always 'no'; you'd get the feeling of 'Gawd, so no mood liau...'

Emily/Aunt Jo from Bookcrossing sms-ed me about the Bangsar meet also on the same date. I had to decline, since I HAD plans then. Sigh. Then just when this plan failed, my cousin asked me out for buffet. Since gluttony has resided in my stomach, so yea, count me in, misery loves food. Then a forum meet. Then Asha text-ed me asking if I wanna go KLCC, and my friend who studies in Russia is there as well. And i can't. Because my cousin's ma has already booked at the restaurant. Then some Friendster bulletin board thing:

"Planet Mars will be the brightest in the night sky starting August. It will look as large as the full moon to the naked
eye. This will cultimate on Aug. 27 when Mars comes within 34.65 M.Miles of earth. Be sure to watch the sky on Aug. 27 2005, at 12:30 am. It will look like the earth has 2 moons. The next time Mars may come this close is in 2287."

It's already 1 am. Wonder if I'm too late.

27th is also the day Wah Lai Toi will be showing the final episodes for Dae Jang Geum (Jewel in the Palace), a Korean show that I'm addicted to.

Other days when I'm so totally DAMN free, there's no invitation, no nice TV shows, no special happenings. Then suddenly a bunch will tumble down on a single day and it's hard to choose just one. It's like having your favourite TV shows running the same time on different channels and you keep switching over during ads, hoping to watch a bit of it.

Other than that, I lost my favourite ring. it's silver and has a curved dolphin pattern on it. With no idea why, I have some attachment to that ring. Now it's alone somewhere on the cold hard floor of my college. I missed it dearly already and I can't get it back 'cause me ma bought it from some street vendor who prolly eats Chips' More. Now you see, next day you don't. Sorry for the corny joke.

I have quite a number of dolphin-themed stuff. I have no idea why people like giving me dolphin-things and I ended up liking them. My mom gave a wood craving when vacationing in Bali. My aunt got me a batik skirt with skipping dolphins. My good friend got me a tiny adorable dolphin 'doll' made from beads (It's hanging from my cellphone).

After three weeks of assignment-less bliss... IT HAS ARRIVED! There's two storyboards I have to complete; one for Animation and another for Video. It's fun planning but the outcome is... uncertain? The only one I hate is graphic design: typography. Just don't like it. Hope all in this paragraph won't be jinxed.

Been trying to convince me ma to let me go to PD for a few hours on Merdeka eve with Lean Chiew and Vishul's gang. Have never gone so far before and my mom has misgivings. She's forever filled with worry of drunken drivers, accidents, tricksters, robbers, rapists etc who may pass my way. Which was prolly why I was pretty sheltered until I was 16. That was the huge argument of using public transport; and it was me lobbying to take public transport back from school, instead of distrubing me dad's work when he has to get me from school. And no joke, he used to forget about me, and it was the time I had no cellphone (now I don't know how I could live without it =P). So I would have to borrow someone's phone or search for a public payphone that usually has the 'out of order' sign, give a call to me dad: 'Hi, remember me? Your daughter?' then from the other side, 'Who?'. Haha, kidding, it's usually 'Oh, shit!'. [Fact : Half of the bad words I know, my dad unconsciously taught me when he drives] The amount of time I used to wait... the bus stop's metal bar already have the imprint of my butt on it.

But now she give me more freedom. Not the amount that I wished for, but I'm far better off than some other teens who can't go out without an accost. I guess the years of arguing finally paid off. From age 13. Wished she had given more freedom earlier, maybe I could had learnt to mix around more. Understand the circle that existed for centuries, of which in seclusion, formed my own assumptions unlike the rest. But it's just a presumption.

I just don't want my college memories to be only of assignments. It's for enjoying isn't it? Because after this, we will be deemed adults who are supposed to be responsible. We're obliged to work, marry, support family, be mature etc. We cannot take the excuse of raging hormones of adolescents to make up for the mistakes we do as 'adults'. We cannot treat time as lax as we do now. Many people of my age, give take a year or two, have already found a place to put their jigsaw-self in. They're settling in their roles, on the way to open up the new chapter of life. As for me, I feel I can be 25 or 30 and I'd still be stuck in the awkward adolescense age.

How would you like to remember your college days?

Just realised I had used 'we' a lot. Sound like nurses in hospitals. 'How are we today?' 'Now we don't want that to happen do we?'

Sometimes, not all, they treat patients like a 5 year old kid.

Signing off,
as usual, trying to be true to self,

Friday, August 12, 2005

Smoky air, slothness and stupidity

If you were to flutter from one malaysian blog to next, you'd just puke to see another mention of 'HAZE'. The white smoke that descended over many cities, like a blanket of the Heaven's (only it feel like Hell's). I just realised that I haven't seen the blue skies in days, but that's my fault because I kept looking down. This morning I woke up to a burning smell, as if a section of my house it's on fire, but once my brain jumped to alert, it was just the haze seeping through my window, permeating through the entire house.

If it weren't for its damaging properties, an optimistic one would sniff and say, "Ah! The smell of a foreign land!" Which is Indonesia and if anyone actually does that, an ambulance will promptly Whoo-Wheee-Whooo next to the speaker, toss him upside down into the back and drive immediately to Tanjung Rambutan where he'd be given a 'sexy' bare backed uniform and an electric shock.

But the haze did something good afterall. It gave us a nice little holiday. Although we can't go anywhere without coughing, or choking a little. But then again, I haven't done my homework, feeling very much like the Queen of Sloth lately. Usually my little ritual before a new semester starts is to clean out my room. okay, okay, it's big ritual la, considering the Amazon-jungle room state. Papers scattered all voer the floor, books stacked up in a few corners, unmade bed and an atrociously messy table which I have difficulty to find a place to put my cup. I applaud the bravery of the haze to come into my room. Somehow this time around, I just look at them, with no heart to do so. The point? The logical reason is there, but a certain spirit is missing. It's going to be messy again anyway. And I can imagine me mam, standing at the doorway with hands on hips, going, "Ooooh, like that la! Then I don't need to feed you. You're going to get all hungry again right?" But that's different, ma. Without that I die. It isn't the same. Neatness is something we humans thought up, or had in our instincts. I'm not saying it's bad. It's just something I have to put an effort in. While I clean up little by little, my dogs can resume exploring my room, as if they are on some bloody adventure, lol.

Yesterday I dropped by Ampang Point to grab some brochures / leaflets for my Graphic Design Class, which was supposed to be today but it's holiday. There was a lot at the information counter, so I headed there. The lady at the counter looked at me rather weirdly because I took quite some time picking them. I chucked them in my bag and went to Pay-Less-Books just to salivate over some book I found few days back. They had some really good books, like The God of Small Things, by an Indian author if I'm not mistaken. But when I went back it's gone. Boohoo. Initally I thought the books in this bin were rm12 each. The sign said '5-rm12' but I couldnt find any books under rm10. So I went to another section and read a very funny book (the series by louise rennison, the confessions of georgia nicholson). After that, I went back and suddenly it hit me that the sign meant rm12 for FIVE books.

If I knew how to somersault, I'd do it right then.

The Samurai Garden - Gail Tsukiyama
Girl With A Pearl Earring - Tracy Chevalier
Kitchen - Banana Yoshimoto
Blue Angel - Francine Prose
The Girls' Guide To Hunting And Fishing - Melissa Banks

On another matter, I got a phonecall from a friend of mine, whose sister wanted my opinion on the Najib's proposal on making the length of degree programs compulsory for four years, in private colleges/unis. My first answer was, stupidly, "Oh, got meh?". I wasn't aware of it really. Even though I read newspapers. Two actually. The questions were what did I think of it, do I agree with it? And second, does it affect me? (No.) After I put the phone down and really thought about it, I felt rather stupid. Because I had said four years is just a short time as we're going to be in the industry for the rest of our lives, so basically agreed. Besides, in my field of studies, it's three years for diploma and 4 for a degree. After thinking, it really depends on what course it is, some don't need THAT long. And I also missed out on the word 'PRIVATE'. It means it costs a lot. Money drainage on parents. GAH. What have I done? She's working for the StarEd. All I can hope for is that she doesn't pick my comment. I could had called her back and change it, but I didn't. It's no biggie.

It's always like that. Like presentation, after you've done your bit, you'd sit back down and despair over, shit, now why haven't I thought about that?

I should had given a fake name, sigh. But then she knows me anyway, so it wouldn't work. Am such a buffoon.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Go fly a kite

The first time I set foot in Titiwangsa Park, I ended up not moving for more than 2 meters, and in the end, refused to step any further and my father had to carry me off the ground. Why? Because the ground had holes. The type where you’d be running, suddenly your foot sinks in deeper; you trip and sprain your ankle. I could see the holes all over the park, and I was afraid. The kite was eager for the wind, but I kept holding on to it, afraid to walk, let alone run. I was certain there’s a bigger hole somewhere. My parents told me to just be careful when I run, you won’t fall so easily. The thing is I wasn’t thinking about that.

I was thinking of the lion ant.
I didn’t want to let the earth swallow me. The whole park is a bloody trap. Actually they lived under sandy soil, and the ground there is pure dirt, but it didn’t matter. It will suck me in, maybe it won’t be a lion ant, but something bigger and more dreadful. I was 7 and I ruined the outing.

[The lion ant sucks the blood or eats its victims. They dig a hole in the ground in the shape of a cone, like ice cream. When an ant gets in, it cannot get out, no matter how much it wriggles and struggles, because the lion ant makes the soil collapse. All the way down, until its death at the lion ant’s pinchers. It’s been over a decade since I’ve read that Big Nature Book, so am a bit surprised that it’s still in my head. But then again, it was fascinating. At least to me.]

Feeling damn depressed lately. Trying to keep up what I am, but I just don’t know what it is anymore. My body is here but I am not. Feel like pasting a note on my head which goes, “Sorry, the person you are trying to reach is not available at the moment. Please try again later. Beeep.”

The zest is missing. I’m worried and scared.

I’ll rot to death and even dogs won’t come near me.

I'm not thinking right, therefore, sorry. But it's my blog and I'll go mad if I want to. It's my confession box isnt it?

Wednesday, August 03, 2005


Does one need a concrete reason to be depressed?

My head says yes and my heart shakes a vigorous no.

I just feel so tired. Of this and that. Too lazy to pinpoint what exactly it is, because it may take up a few thousand words, and a lot of 'digresses', which will end up in pages and only I can comprehend it. Enthusiasm is currently dead and it worries me.

It's waking up, and hating to go out and yet the house is stiffling. The doors and windows are closed, and it's nauseating.

An uneasy feeling keeps churning around my gut. I doubt that it is something physical.

Was suddenly hit with a thought of the clouds parting, opening up the blue skies and people, helium-filled, floated towards the gap. Their voices are high and acted if they are on dope. Some people's clothes are stuck on the rose bush's thorns. It scarred them a little, and they cursed. The rest who were floating on top, were going "WheeeeEEEee!" when they suddenly pop like balloons when the air pressure inside the balloon is higher than the atmosphere.

I don't know what secret meanings it may have, nor why my brain thinks it's amusing to give me such images. Is that supposed to cheer me up? Maybe it's a mix of sleep-deprivation and 'war of the worlds' and 'last exile'. And a sudden remembrance of physics lessons. Ms. Suhaila would had been really proud of me. Anyway, I think it's sleep-dep. and it's wondrous ability to make one hallucinate when suffering that. Better than sniffing glue and getting brain damage. Not that I've tried. You don't need glue or drugs to cause brain damage.

Better waddle off to bed now.