Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Go fly a kite

The first time I set foot in Titiwangsa Park, I ended up not moving for more than 2 meters, and in the end, refused to step any further and my father had to carry me off the ground. Why? Because the ground had holes. The type where you’d be running, suddenly your foot sinks in deeper; you trip and sprain your ankle. I could see the holes all over the park, and I was afraid. The kite was eager for the wind, but I kept holding on to it, afraid to walk, let alone run. I was certain there’s a bigger hole somewhere. My parents told me to just be careful when I run, you won’t fall so easily. The thing is I wasn’t thinking about that.

I was thinking of the lion ant.
I didn’t want to let the earth swallow me. The whole park is a bloody trap. Actually they lived under sandy soil, and the ground there is pure dirt, but it didn’t matter. It will suck me in, maybe it won’t be a lion ant, but something bigger and more dreadful. I was 7 and I ruined the outing.

[The lion ant sucks the blood or eats its victims. They dig a hole in the ground in the shape of a cone, like ice cream. When an ant gets in, it cannot get out, no matter how much it wriggles and struggles, because the lion ant makes the soil collapse. All the way down, until its death at the lion ant’s pinchers. It’s been over a decade since I’ve read that Big Nature Book, so am a bit surprised that it’s still in my head. But then again, it was fascinating. At least to me.]

Feeling damn depressed lately. Trying to keep up what I am, but I just don’t know what it is anymore. My body is here but I am not. Feel like pasting a note on my head which goes, “Sorry, the person you are trying to reach is not available at the moment. Please try again later. Beeep.”

The zest is missing. I’m worried and scared.

I’ll rot to death and even dogs won’t come near me.

I'm not thinking right, therefore, sorry. But it's my blog and I'll go mad if I want to. It's my confession box isnt it?

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