Friday, December 30, 2005

Ode to Gemukness

This new hobby of mine is tagged "Kacau gemuk saya."
Hehe, I wonder if I'm like, Super Thin, will it change to "Oi, Jangan kacau tulangku~~~!" *goes off to elbow people with cheekbones and jump into unsuspecting laps* eh, the latter hurts weh! No joke!!!

But like I'll ever be reduced to bones anyway. Softness is nice. Uh, in moderation? Hmm, should be cushion-y.

It's just so wobb-able. Like Jell-O in mock drama suspension. Mmm... Matrix?!? "Hello Mr Smith... *wobble*" Somewhat disgusting but highly fascinating at the same time. I think I can calculate the getaran and speed by using forgotten Physics knowledge. Eeee, fatness!

I've been surfing the net a lot lately, since mid Sem 3, because the lessons were sleep-inducing and I had a PC with internet in front of me, so... kaching!! Am pretty familiar with Photoshop anyway (cover those pimples, YESH!!!). Perhaps I sound arrogant, but shit, this is gonna catch up to me soon; my classmates will soon be better than me in the term of photoshop skills (TT.TT). My almost-forgotten assignments flailed under obvious neglection, until the final weeks where I rushed so many things and encountered problems that nearly made me cry.

Again, I digress.
As the net exposes me little random projects by, I grow smaller.
Then I realise, despite what I think, assume or pretend... I am just a stupid little girl.
Mentally. If only I could be little in size... *smashes weighing machine*

I ponder about this before, and I'm still in awe of the largeness out there. The feeling of a single dust in a packed room. How am I to make a difference?

Like when I finished reading The God Of Small Things by Arundhati Roy (courtesy of Mun Ling). My verdict? Excellent. In fact, more than Excellent. It's Better-Beyond-Words. I haven't cried so much over a book in my life. I cried towards the end. I reread a few parts in the beginning, and with the knowledge of what happened, I cried again. I filled buckets with my tears alone! Scattered jigsaw pieces that come together in the end; a big bang! A build up of circumstances. This book is a heartjerker, be warned.
(Spoiler: Baby Kochamma is a fucking bitch! I want to kick her big fat selfish brown ass! GRAHHHHH!)

I'm not a writer of books nor a composer of songs, as much as I'd like to be. All I am capable of doing is to read them, and laugh, cry, rage. I had stopped writing fiction ages ago andmy skill is rusted beyond belief. Oh, I've also just finished White Oleander by Janet Fitch. While I was reading on my bed, my new pup Mocha was sleeping next to me and kept farting silent bombs. I'm like *swt* - move self and doggie to the floor-. Now the word 'Oleander' will forever be associated with the memory of Mocha's fart. The book's very good by the way... I'm somehow inclined to writings about mother and daughter relationship. Also it's in Oprah Book Club! Right. Digressed again.

Or for songs, I allow them to seep into my heart, the words the melodies, the subtle undertones of the bass. The wailing of the versatile electric guitar. Appreciate them. Sing praises about them. Some songs can just knock the blood out of my head; blood pooling in my heart and the pumping gets more intense. Then I'd feel goosebumps trickle up my arms, itching it. That's all I'm capable of doing. An itch that never produces something worthwhile.

It's kind of depressing in a way, because I want to be on that other side. The one behind the camera. The one wielding the pen. Sometimes I wish I could see things the way they do; that my perspective is but a dulled knife.

Oh what the heck, not everyone comes out from the same mold right? What is yours is yours; mine is my own.

I'll just go back to wobbling my thighs.

Gianne's Gemuk: Hoi!!!

{Random Brain Wave: I like reinventing my outer look, but it always fails. I mean, I have people who haven't seen me in YEARS (eg: 11 years) and the first thing they'd say is, "Omigod, Gianne... You look the same!!! Still chubby~~" *squeeze squeeze* (<<--- UH!!! my cheeks okay, not elsewhere... Eee, hentainess! XD)}

Sunday, December 25, 2005

It was a long talk

She tells me the reason she helps people is because end of the day, she may get to see them happy, a some sort of compensation for her own unhappiness.

It sounds sappy in written words, but I wanted to cry. I really did. Her eyes were getting red and a bit watery, but in my whole life, I've only seen her truly cry less than 3 times.

Like giving your friends surprise bday parties all the time when no one does it for you. She prolly don't see it that way, but somehow I think that's what she yearns for deep inside. For some little bit of happiness to call her own.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

These people are pissing me off

In reference to the two opinions on The Star's today (23/12/2005):
http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2005/12/23/focus/12934994&sec=focus
http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2005/12/23/focus/12940606&sec=focus

What IS marriage? How sacred is a marriage if you force a person into a legal bond when one has no feelings for another?

"She's unhappy!"
"Never mind, as long as she doesn't step out of line of what is *acceptable* in society. It's for her own good!!! Hmmph."
(which of course, their own opinion clouding 90% of society's expectations. And would also love to add, who are you to dictate how one should love? And be loved?)

99% of us here on earth seek this thing called love... some just find theirs in a different light than most. Why you so dengki?

Sometimes I just feel like grabbing their heads and knocking them together, and they will faint (I was thinking 'drop into a coma', but that's just too evil) and we all live happily ever after.

" No religion in this world accepts this kind of union and, hopefully, our country will not follow the trends of the so-called modern and civilised society where religious and family values seem to have taken a back seat, causing social decay. "

Eh, STUPID! The Buddhists accept it. The Pagans are okay with it. And Hinduism (this, the opinion varies). In fact, correct me if I'm wrong, the two former paths are among the few that did not cast a rule of that a 'union' must be of the opposite sex in stone. More to spiritual and self, and not the masks of the souls.

Any further comments, religion-wise, I'll shut it because it's so bloody sensitive.

Family values? I can't understand why CERTAIN people prefer a screwed-up straight marriage to a happy loving homosexual couple. And if the latter ever have children, it's really stupid to claim they will be homosexuals as well. Hello? Who raised 'gay children'? What is that, you-bigoted-piece-of-lump? Straight parents? Yay!!! So clever, now have a sweet and go eff yourself.
There's more things that causes social decay, and frankly I'm so sick of repeating myself.

Which is why I'll just end it here.


Bye.


(Oh, despite my pissy mood, work was fun... it's a blue afro wig, ppl! It's really big, I'm serious, it's like Marge Simpson but more horizontally endowed! Scaring lil kiddies and little ladies that pass my aisle. Damn fun )

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

A rather... constipation-freed verbal entry

ARGGHHH!!!! So much to blog about, yet my fingers are unwilling to cooperate with my brain for the past days!!!

Looking through Juno Jeong's art, apparently a contemporary version of Hyung Tae Kim... can't see much of his artwork on the official site, because the gallery navigation just makes me want to burn something. GRahhh!!! *godzilla stomping*

SATURDAY
Worked as a brownie girl (free brownies for you!!!). I haven't eaten so much brownies in my life (oops.. Look, brownies + chocolate obsessed person = bad combination). Haha, jk, I didn't eat THAT much... my co-workers did though. Oh they were doing other products, like pizza, tiramisu ice cream, some ice cream with alcohol, crab meat + mayonnaise on Ritz biscuit (<<>ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES!!!! The wine was the yummiest ever~~~ XD. It was fun... really fun. And I did look good in their Betty Crocker apron hahahah (although I must admit, I don't cook, but burn)

There's this guy there who spoke to me... DAMN friendly and nice. We were talking about pirated VCDs and he mentioned about how hard it is getting to purchase pornos (!!!). And he has a lot stashed in his computer. I was okay with it. It's normal, really. But 5 minutes after knowing a girl? Whoa, a record! So straightforward XD. There's a few more things he said that I'll refrain from putting here. But yea, he's a nice guy and we DID talk about other things la.

And something worth mentioning: the chiller room. It. Is. Fucking . COLD !!! Try cutting 3 cakes of brownies in a room with negative temperature. I'm a Khatulistiwa punya org weh!!! Malaysia = summer all year long. I mean, it was fun for the first few minutes but after a while, I was worried I might get frostbite. My joints were getting rigid... serious! And maybe the extreme coldness froze certain brain cells because I started imagining if my blood freezes up and hence oxygen will be cut off from the vital organs, and so mati katak la. If I did die there, at least I'll be pretty and nicely preserved XD

SUNDAY
The much awaited event for the holiday... COMIC FIESTA!!!

When I got there, I was rather stunned|speechless (perfect for the dumb look). Hajimete yo... First time going to such an event and seeing cosplayers in real life. And it was PACKED with people! The artists/ doujinshi booths were nice; my stash was RAWR, MnU (both artbooks), two posters, OnePiece doujinshi and a set of bookmarks. It's lovely but it really pokkai-ed me TT.TT

The cosplay performance was fun! There's this Rukia in the Bleach performance that I really liked because she sounded and acted SO much like the character (sweet to everyone but Ichigo hahhaha!). The funniest one was the Naruto performance, especially the Kancho part and the 'KO! Then 'winner' slumped down too... *flip banner* DOUBLE KO!!!'. The crowd simply went wild.

Was supposed to get a pair of awesome boots from a forum meber... but the boots didn't fit me sadly. However the owner, Temi-Chan helped when me and Kez got lost in Subang! Doumo arigatou! m(_ _)m

And er... on the way back, I kinda semi-hitchhiked. Much to Kezia's chagrin XD. Tell you in another entry.

Kez haven't given me the pics she took that day (I took some too!!!). *cries* I wished I had my digi cam back!!! Will post them up later (meanwhile, check out the forum, there's linkage to pics!)

MONDAY
Reunion with my primary mates in MV! Gosh, I haven't seen a few of them in 7 years! Less than 10 came though... Yue Ann (smartest kid in our school), Abbilashya (Abi Kabbi!), Christina, Sarah, Man Ee, Lisa, Jacinth and me. Had much fun catching up and reminding each other of our idiocy last time... omg, now that I think of it, we were like mini bitches in dark blue pinafore running around. The drama I tell you... jealousy, anger, maliciousness, stealing, defaming, bullying...

If you want to know, I was at the bad end of the bullying one. As in... ouch that hurt *does the crybaby thing* lol

Last thing... they owe me the pictures!!! Sarah took tons... I mean, I took of her + other friends because she didn't like the way her hair turned out in the picture. We all thought it was alright though, she looks like Lindsay Lohan a bit.

TUESDAY
Munz returned from UK and we had a lil gathering.
But this'll be for tomorrow when it's not FIVE IN THE MORNING!!!


Okay. I lied about the short summary. So stab me with a satay stick.

Oh, I got a call yesterday about my juice-girl job(er, handling out free juice samples) in Sogo from the 23 to 25 (working on Christmas, boohooo). She mentioned that I were to wear a short denim skirt. Errr... not gonna look nice in it, but hey, it's your call! *runs off to Rufffey in MV for a discounted one... RM25 if you're wondering* And what else? "Okay, we're going to provide you with a wig..."

Oh
My
Gods
....
!!!!


It's going to be a very ridiculous one. I can feel it. It's prolly a multicoloured afro to rival Tommy the Clown. And it won't be small either, it'll block a doorway if it had to. Gah. Gah. Gah.

To be little miss half-glass full.... I HAVEN'T WORN A WIG BEFORE HURRAH!!! (It'll be fun. Really. If it's nice, maybe I can request to steal it) I can headbutt people with minimal damage on both sides! (but erm, beats the purpose?)

AND!

I can hide my personal belongings in them.

Like Marge Simpson. Yeah...!


Dang... that one hellish long blog entry. Summore no pics (on the way, on the way!!!)... If you reached here, you've prolly read the beginning and skipped the middle. It's the thought that counts anyway lol.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

These Midget Pencils

If you were to look into my pencil box in my younger days, you'd notice a lot of midget pencils. A one-inch midget to be exact. However, its destination is not a direct flight to the dustbin, oh no. They remained in my pencil box. Plenty of two midgets stapled together by their feet. But as time passed with more pencils were lovingly used, my pencil box couldn't accomodate the overpopulation of these midget pencils. So it was migrated to my drawer.

[lame poem ahead *swt*]

You can't use them anymore,
and they are just an eyesore
so go and throw them away!
the exasperated mother would say

and the girl protested with dismay,
but they just helped me the other day!
so how could i treat them with ingratitude today?
and so its departure i tried to delay.

[omg, this is what happens if ye stop writing poems for 3 years!!!]

Carefully considering the pencil's feelings. Heck, I think of objects' feelings more than I do for human's. Sometimes when I touch an object, something will run up the inside of my arms, often willing me scratch that object. Yea, I scratch a lot of my stuff. Yes. *scratch scratch* I'm just that weird brained kid.

So, my room is what would be commonly known as a junk center. A hamster hoarding seeds that will not bloom. It wasn't only pencils, but little scraps of papers that I treat as a good luck charm, interesting shaped stones I found, broken toys that I refused to throw and much more.

But soon, year after year I started cleaning out my room. One by one, these 'junks' are thrown away, a sudden disappearance from what I used to treasure. At first it was done with a heavy heart. Soon I learnt how to block these guilty feelings.

And they're gone. Just like that.

It's weird that I'm thinking of them now. Especially the pencils. The one who assisted me in my first A ever in Standard 1. The one who was scribbled angrily in a written argument between friends, and the paper it was used on was crumpled and thrown back and forth in a fury of childish dissatisfaction.

I'm not longing to return to the past by the way. No matter how much I miss those times, and say if I had the chance to go back, I'll say," Thanks but no... I'm still a bit screwed up now, still a bit awkward and the worse thing is I wouldn't truly want to exchange it with anything else."

That's just the idealist side of me speaking though. I locked Logic away at the moment so it won't interrupt Idealist again. Harrumph.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Trapped dogs, the webcam series

Jeng jeng jeng!


I present you... the
WEBCAM SERIES!

Starring....

Milo the miniature pincher (Body fat 0% | Fur Glory 1%)
Madie
the... dunno-what-breed (Body fat 30% | Fur Glory 60%).

and of course...
Gianne
the human being + confused insane hippo (Body fat 100% | Fur Glory STFU)

The situation
Visitor from outside arrive at our doorstep and dislikes dogs. Dogs don't like her either. They want to give her rabies. Bark bark! So Father of the house chucked them in Gianne's air-conned room. Bark bark.

Gianne's messy room provides a temporary distraction...

...but soon....

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
milo: *been with gianne for two years* Haihsey, bored oledi la, can i go bite the visitor now?

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
madie: gianne! finished exploring your super messy room!

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
milo: yea yea, whatever, can i go now?

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
gianne: NOOO!!! Cannot! I catch you!

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
gianne: *evil laughter*
milo
: dowan dowan! lemme go! HELPPPPPPP!!!!

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
gianne: okay, okay!!!.... whatever... eh... wait...

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
gianne: madie, i catch you!!! Mwahahahahaha...!!!

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
gianne: ... i just realised you look like chewbacca.
madie: *swt*

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
madie: gianne, milo all alone, so cham la....
(milo's thought bubble: ...crap...the door's shut...)

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
gianne: fine. i release you.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
madie: i teman you ah, jie jie....
milo: get ur furry ass over here, i'm freezing!
madie: ...oh you're welcome. *roll eyes*

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
THE END!

*awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww*

Disclaimer: No animals were harmed in the process and... my dogs do NOT have rabies okay!!!

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Breathing

Yasmin Ahmad's blog is one of those rare ones that sparks something inside me. Her latest entry, November 29, made me rethink why did I, in the first place, yearned to be an artist. What am I doing here?

I had forgotten the enthusiasm displayed before I got into college. How desperate I was to get into any art college to fuel my passion. Any will do. As long I could learn tons, be more exposed to the art scene.

I ended up in LUCT. The irony. Ha. ha. Stop laughing.

At least there's my friends (Collective 'aw' pls)

Anyhoo, I'm very familiar with the donkey story, of how the farmer and his son with their donkey tried to please everyone. In the end, the donkey fell into a river and died. Yay. It's another of those moral stories, that tries to impart it's simple wisdom.

Aware of it, yes.

And yet I still do.

Like a path we tread on with purpose, I had walked on, trying to survive, trying to keep moving forward. A journey changes a person. At the beginning, I keep glancing back at my starting point, but the further I go, I lost sight of it, too engrossed in moving forward. Soon, even the roots disappeared from my mind's eye. Why am I threading this lalang path while peeking on others' path and ignoring my own. What would my trophy look like?

The shoes at the end of their road will not fit my feet.

Now I stop midway. The grass tall, surrounding me. If there's a big rock and a loud drowning waterfall, the picture would be perfect, hahahah. But no, the grass is fine, thankyouverymuch. Stop, halt, before any damage has gone to far to be undone.

Close your eyes and remember.


I did.

The jumbledness in my head made clearer on paper. Where my 'weirdness', the ideas, make a statement. It's a narcassist thing, but it's my expression, which has many room for improvement.

I repaid this by following guidelines, creating to my lecturer's taste. For the letter, A.

These grades mean nothing. But it had me, at a knifepoint, because there's always a fear. The fear that the scholarship dept won't be pleased with my results. The fear of letting people down. The fear of being placed in the same category society abhors. The fear that held my legs in chains (no kinky stuff here dear readers =P). Oh apologies, I keep mixing the reason why I do art and my life together.

I know that art has to appeal to viewers as well, but as repeated so many time, art is so subjective. I understand that it has to be a balance, and shouldn't lean either way. Yet I still want to develop my own style because after all, I'm in college... it's the only time I could do things the way i want to. But I still want people to like my art. Meh. Damn you gianne, for being a bloody Libran!

That's all for self-reflection today, before more nonsense starts spewing out, as am getting rather tired. Thank you kind sirs and ma'ams, for your eyes.

(I swear this is the last paragraph) I had a little disagreement with life lately. Had felt unbearably disappointed and furious and depressed. But like lovers after a silly fight, I'm back to her arms again, the warmth vanishing the doubts I have. The fight number? 23948723562357028560286. Maybe I miss a thousand or so, but you know, what the heck.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Please and Thank You

Collected my MyKad, and thank the forces of nature, it didn't come out as badly as predicted! PHEW! Bloody relief that is. Got into a little mess prior to collecting it. I missed my turn by 4 numbers and humbly, meek-faced went to the counter where I took my number to ask the lady what should I do. She gestured to the counters and said, "Pergi sana, dan cakap kamu ada missed number."

So I waited for any counter to be empty and when there was, I approached the lady there and while brandishing my number, told her, "Minta maaf, saya ada missed number," and she snapped, "Tadi pergi mana?!?". I replied, "Saudara sesat, tak tau naik sini...", but before I finished, she snapped rudely, "Pergi duduk! Duduklah! Tunggu sampai semua habis!!!"

Knowing I'm in the wrong, I just said sorry and thanks. And sat at the waiting place while more numbers were called. But I was feeling quite blur. More people were streaming in and I was wondering when will everyone be finished!

Then I spotted another lady in front who asked all the counters and when her number was called through the automated system, I noticed she missed her number too. So before she went out, I tapped her arm to ask her I'm in the same spot as her, so what should I do? She goes, "Oh, you gotta ask all the counters, see which one has your number."

*SWEAT*

If I didn't ask her, I'll be sitting there the whole day like an idiot. Anyway, there was only 3 operating counters, so I asked one (when empty) and she peeks at my number and says, "Ah, bukan di sini... Try counter lain?". And so I waited for the last counter to be empty, and then asked the guy there. He looked and nods his head, and tells me to wait a moment. After that my number was called out and within minutes I'm done.

You know what, I don't mind her scolding me. I don't mind that she's impolite to me. I deserve it I suppose... But don't give me the wrong information!!! I didn't even show her my number! What the....

I could do the whole Government-servant-bashing-thing, by twisting my story to make me look like an innocent lamb and them, big ugly hooked nosed monsters.... but I think the truth is generally better than lies =). The others were polite, and only one was rude. So... where was I? I went to eat something quick. Because my friend asked me to accost him and I didn't think much about it. My number was 42/43 (another for me mam) and when I left, the number was 10 I think. But I didn't rush back fast enough I suppose. And yea, I didn't say that to the rude lady because she might just skin me alive (O_o) <[want me to die, is it????]

Hobbit tells me that government servants don't get much thanks. He said when you tell them thanks, they're like, not used to hearing that word. I think it's a stupid that some people treat promoters, waiter/waitresses etc with rudeness as though people in the service line are below them. I hate people with attitudes like that. I always make a point to be polite and thank them if possible.... Unless you're those type of promoters that follows me around the shop, breathing down my neck. You're irritating. At least 1 meter away please.

But ERGH, I always regret being polite and nice to rude people!!! But it usually takes me 10 minutes to realise that they've been rude. Crap! XD

On a brighter note, I got my commission for the supplement phone lines I sold three mths ago! RM65!!! EXCELLENT! Just when I'm broke, lol.

But the spending began...

Image hosted by Photobucket.com


... I need a proper camera. Digital. Hate the low quality photos that my webcam produce. It's actually a webcam me loaned from dad... my old chunky webcam is awesome, but stupid logitech (formerly known as Connectix) don't offer Connectix Quickcam driver download. GRRRR! Besides, college assignments require it and sometimes my hand itches to take some photographs [art students are poor because of their love =(].

Kinda miss developing my own pictures, albeit b&w only. But my photos are dead boring... Need I add that my manual camera is wonky and gave me several white hairs last semester *cries*.

Anyway that's from a shop right smack between Sungei Wang and BB Plaza line! It's lovely! BTW, the neon green mesh is sinfully desaturated in that pic! I swear it's wayyyy brighter than that. I know what I'm gonna do with the black mesh, but the green.... Hmmm... it's just really gorgeous and I HAD to get it.

I'll figure something out later... lol.

Next, it was Basheer's, which sells awesome artbooks (damn pricey though), and you could stand there to read or glaze your orbs over the amount of eye candies (but at the same time the store owner will be looking grumpily at you. You'll learn to ignore it after a while [o)_(o]-> thick skinned, lol). And so... I got Territory, RM27 (price hike by RM2, eeek).

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

V nice book that features artists around the world, for example:

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

*salivate*

A plus point is that it smells really really good... *snorts it like a drug* That printed book fresh smell, not those library stuffy smell. It brings back memories too, sort of.

After that I'm officially broke. Amazing. The brief moment of having RM65 extra in my pocket... gone just like that. Fleeting love gone! Damn.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

i wished i had a reason

Lost again, broken and weary
unable to find my way
tail in hand, dizzy and clearly
unable to just let this go

I am surrendering to gravity and the unknown
catch me, heal me,
lift me back up to the sun
I choose to live...

I fell again, Like a baby
Unable to stand on my own
Tail in hand, dizzy and clearly
Unable to just let this go
- A Perfect Circle, Gravity

Swimming in a CSI-like blue world but still have the courtesy to credit the lyrics. You gotta hand it to me.

It's starting all over again... what the fuck is wrong with me?

Maybe I slipped one step, and missed the rhythm. The notes are dancing across and I can't keep up. High kick, cross legs, jump jump. I can't even kick that high.

Maybe because for once I felt safe. These limbs relaxed. Wrong move. Checkmate, you're dead. The safer I feel the more I die.


I miss floating in the pool, ears below the surface and just staring into the sky. Like a confused turd (urm, isn't this THAT pool?)


Sometimes the clouds move languidly across the dull Malaysian skies, or perhaps it's me. The rays hurt my eyes.