Saturday, December 03, 2005

Breathing

Yasmin Ahmad's blog is one of those rare ones that sparks something inside me. Her latest entry, November 29, made me rethink why did I, in the first place, yearned to be an artist. What am I doing here?

I had forgotten the enthusiasm displayed before I got into college. How desperate I was to get into any art college to fuel my passion. Any will do. As long I could learn tons, be more exposed to the art scene.

I ended up in LUCT. The irony. Ha. ha. Stop laughing.

At least there's my friends (Collective 'aw' pls)

Anyhoo, I'm very familiar with the donkey story, of how the farmer and his son with their donkey tried to please everyone. In the end, the donkey fell into a river and died. Yay. It's another of those moral stories, that tries to impart it's simple wisdom.

Aware of it, yes.

And yet I still do.

Like a path we tread on with purpose, I had walked on, trying to survive, trying to keep moving forward. A journey changes a person. At the beginning, I keep glancing back at my starting point, but the further I go, I lost sight of it, too engrossed in moving forward. Soon, even the roots disappeared from my mind's eye. Why am I threading this lalang path while peeking on others' path and ignoring my own. What would my trophy look like?

The shoes at the end of their road will not fit my feet.

Now I stop midway. The grass tall, surrounding me. If there's a big rock and a loud drowning waterfall, the picture would be perfect, hahahah. But no, the grass is fine, thankyouverymuch. Stop, halt, before any damage has gone to far to be undone.

Close your eyes and remember.


I did.

The jumbledness in my head made clearer on paper. Where my 'weirdness', the ideas, make a statement. It's a narcassist thing, but it's my expression, which has many room for improvement.

I repaid this by following guidelines, creating to my lecturer's taste. For the letter, A.

These grades mean nothing. But it had me, at a knifepoint, because there's always a fear. The fear that the scholarship dept won't be pleased with my results. The fear of letting people down. The fear of being placed in the same category society abhors. The fear that held my legs in chains (no kinky stuff here dear readers =P). Oh apologies, I keep mixing the reason why I do art and my life together.

I know that art has to appeal to viewers as well, but as repeated so many time, art is so subjective. I understand that it has to be a balance, and shouldn't lean either way. Yet I still want to develop my own style because after all, I'm in college... it's the only time I could do things the way i want to. But I still want people to like my art. Meh. Damn you gianne, for being a bloody Libran!

That's all for self-reflection today, before more nonsense starts spewing out, as am getting rather tired. Thank you kind sirs and ma'ams, for your eyes.

(I swear this is the last paragraph) I had a little disagreement with life lately. Had felt unbearably disappointed and furious and depressed. But like lovers after a silly fight, I'm back to her arms again, the warmth vanishing the doubts I have. The fight number? 23948723562357028560286. Maybe I miss a thousand or so, but you know, what the heck.

1 comment:

gianne said...

from blog-city:

1. dreamer idiot left...
Monday, 5 December 2005 1:18 pm

Hi, just thought of popping by again. Yes. Yasmin Ahmad's post does really make one think on what does with one's art...yet in these times of fierce competition, being true to oneself without having to sacrifice anything in the process is almost impossible, especially since every one, and i would say, Yasmin included, has to negotiate between one's personal vision, the limits/limitations of the art form/medium chosen, the commercial consideration (as 'dirty' it may seem, one is still dependent on $$) and, finally and equally importantly, the audience.

Do the audience matter at all? In my humble opinion, they do, especially if the artist seeks to communicate an idea. a concept, an aesthetic experience, a message (social, political, enviromental etc). An art which does not 'speak', move or provoke an audience has probably failed, because its extreme esotericism confines itself only to the artist (unless that is one's intention) and does not transcend beyond that. Moreover, I would add that some artists dedicate their art for their own personal pleasure, but somehow unconsciously their work end up speaking to the public.

However, since you are still 'learning', so to speak, allow yourself to immerse in all the history/tradition and strictures (only to a degree) of forms and styles that have preceded you, so you can 'learn' something before you can, "stand on their shoulders" (quoting Yasmin), depart from them, go beyond or even surpass them (as you discover your own voice and style through the masters of the past).

Anyway, hope these thoughts of mine help encourage you...:)


2. GenieOnTheLoose left...
Wednesday, 7 December 2005 12:15 am

dreameridiot, i thank you for your insight. and yes, it did help me.

"Moreover, I would add that some artists dedicate their art for their own personal pleasure, but somehow unconsciously their work end up speaking to the public." - this was what i wanted, btu unfortunately it didnt work for me, hahah.

in a way, i'm glad that my status as a student makes me easily forgiven, but somehow i do not want that as an excuse for a lousy work. i've seen my peers producing worldclass works (see, comparing again *sigh*)

your second last paragraph me like =P. perhaps i need to expose myself more, try more styles, copy a style and modify it to my taste. maybe i was running with my shoelaces untied and without socks.

again, thanks for your comment... deeply appreciated.