I was considering, and seriously tempted, to name this "gianne's bridge is falling down~ falling down~ falling down~"... but... isn't that lame? XD
This was written a week ago. It's rather long-winded and depressing, so don't say I didn't warn you!! It's a strange tendency that my heart feels obliged to decrease my happy chemical dosage whenever my birthday or the new year approaches.
Why do i keep building false bridges that will crumble and fall? The pretence will only stand for that long.
Why can't I find the strings that links people together? They tell me that it's right in front of me, but I can't spot it, I can't see it. If lies are to make me feel better, it doesn't.
Sometimes I wake up and notice a blue thread around my finger. I feel very happy at the blue thread that connects me to another person. It could be a friend, a relative, a child. I'd tug on the string, send down little gifts using a hook on the line and be extra careful that it will not drop off. But the moment it starts to turn into a darker richer colour (or worse, red), starting from the end that is not mine, the thread feels as if it's cutting off my finger's blood supply, and frantically, I try to release it. In nervousness, I snip it. Only after I'd realise my folly. Silently, I tied the broken ends together,but it's never the same as before. When I tug it, the broken part would untie; the person do not notice my call, but feels the string flailing in the wind - the distance and loss. And when I send little gifts down, it will always get caught in that old wound. I feel so sorry for the hurt I've unintentionally caused. Just because of that possible shift in relationship.
Because of this, even when I'm surrounded by people, I still feel as though a ring of river separates me from them. Me in my little isolated island, under that one coconut tree. Then I build bridges that never seem to last long enough.
Sometimes I feel hopeless without a manual. I don't own an "auto pilot". God forgot to install a little life instruction book into me. Maybe you're all the newer versions while I'm a remake of a vintage prototype. Damn manual controls. Of course, each versions have their personal struggles and this is mine. So I plod along, trying to understand, trying to take in all. Oh, we're supposed to be like this? Do it like this? I see, I see... 20 years on, I'm still confused and bewildred as I am before. Yes, I'm learning, but how slowly it is. Some things cannot be changed.
A friend once told me that even though I'm upset, but 5 minutes later, I'd 'bounce' up again. True or false? You tell me. If it's true, then I'm very tired of picking myself off the ground and say, "it's okay, it's okay", pat the dust off my clothes and walk again smiling. Is it really okay? Perhaps I repeat those words to myself all the time, one day it will actually come true.
Did it? To a certain extent, yes. Relapses do occur occasionally (like now, haha). What's the point? I really wish I can reach the day when I'll be perfectly happy just as I am.Stop getting angry at myself for the things I've done or the things I should had said, or had not. Because my talent as a person is lacking, all I can do is to keep becoming better, but at the moment, I feel that my efforts have not paid off. It's sad to understand that I'm like that in every other aspect of my life; I'm just inept at it. But hey, I try. Not that it sounds like a consolation to me though. Every fall hurts and bruises. My skin is thick, but I can still feel.
I do understand that my constant effort is one of my main strength, but these words is always on the back of my mind:
you show no natural aptitude is frustrating to you and annoying to all,
but the most complacent opponents.
Should I resume playing this 'game'?
And to the question 60% of you might have in your mind... the answer is NO, I'm not PMS-ing. (dammit, can't I be depressed even when it's not that time of month?)
To my one week old question, I shall give a one-week-old answer in return, and the answer is, yes, I should.
The quote above kinda makes me think of path we choose to walk as well. After we finish secondary school, then enrol in a course, and after a while, some of us may have doubts to their choice. "Is this right for me?" A barrage of worries. It's never as simple as when we were 7 year olds, and when asked what we'd like to be in the future, we'd all go in chorus, "DOCTOR! PILOT!" (or maybe like that unforgetable boy who went, "GOD!" <-- FTW!!!)
Because most of us aren't immediately supplied with talents for said course. For those who are... well, damn you! (jkjk =P) It's not unusual to feel discouraged. It's also not unusual to have wobbly skills in the beginning. That's what classes are for ;P. Even though the quote above have some truth to it, don't let it pull you down and make you give up so easily. But of course, if you hate what you're doing, feel free to leave (if your parents allow it anyway), but if you do love and enjoy it... a try is definitely worth it.
The paragraphs above is dedicated to someone. You know who you are. Besides, it's only been your first year! I think in your case, the door should be unlocked, and you're free to leave, but you don't. I wonder what does that mean =P. Learn more, explore more in your field, outside of classes.
At the end of the day, it's ultimately your choice because you would know your capabilities the best (well, a chat with lecturers may help) and where your passion lies. Sorry if I ended up sounding irrelevant and stuff ^_^;;;