Saturday, December 22, 2007


Usually on Fridays and Saturdays I have the whole apartment to myself. Sometimes Thursdays too. So one of those days I was just like brain-dead in front of my computer because I don't have my cousin to disturb.

Then... ding dong!

Cerita panjang, I jadikan pendek okey? (mesti tipu punya wtf)

Basically it's these three people asking me if I've ever thought of the meaning of life. What's the reason why I'm here on Earth etc. They were holding small booklets, and were Christians trying to spread the message la.

It's kinda ironic because on that very day I wrote this entry, A Textbook Life.

I have mentioned it before, but I'll just say it again; I'm Buddhist. Call me biased, but of all the religions or paths that I've read about, Buddhism is the one that makes most sense to me. It's also the most versatile, the most adaptable? But this is another entry, so I'll just moosey back to the main story...

Okay, so these three people wanting to talk to you about something that most people would just slam the door in their face right? Well, I didn't. Slam the door, I mean. Call me stupid or too nice, but I know these people believe in their faith whole-heartedly. I'm not saying that this is the right way to go (as in, ringing on random people's door...) but they aren't doing anything wrong imo and they are still... well, people like you and me. Besides, I could learn smthg =D.

I did tell them straightout that I'm a Buddhist and not intending to change, but I don't mind listening to what they want to say.

After talking to me for a while, they showed me a little diagram of how Jesus was reincarnated into a human, then he was crucified for the peoples' sins etc.

I was always puzzled by this. It doesn't make sense to me. Why should one man dies for everyone's sins? It's their own damn fault, their own responsibility. I don't need a middle person to pay for my sins. So I asked them that.

They said smthg about people are always sinning, even if they atone, there's still leftovers, and that, if Jesus don't help them, they will be denied the entrance to heaven. Or I might have remembered wrongly. (Any Christians care to enlighten me?)

Though the serious talk, I actually joked with them a lot (no worries, no insensitivities), but met with blank stares [;_____;]. I wanted to make them more human to me, as opposed to mere messengers.

Or possibly it's just me, syok sendiri wtf.

them: Also, before Jesus's cruxification, goat, cow etc gets slaughtered for people's sins.
me : What? Oh my god! I'm gonna need a whole farm...


them: As you can see, Jesus was reincarnated as a human, then he was crucified, and now he is a spirit. And he wants to get inside you.
me : ..........................................................................

Okay. That just sounded SO wrong. I mean, whatever happened to dinner first? =( . Can you imagine someone telling you that with a straight face? It was hilarious. Or maybe my brain is just more corrupted than my government. I tried not to laugh. And succeeded. For about 5 seconds. I felt damn bad, okay and told them, sorry, but THAT sounded odd.

They told me that they want to come by to talk to me again, but I guess when they got back, they realised how scary I was and decided against it [;___;]


Here's some random events that heralds my crappiness:

Where I work, some of my colleagues are trained to be 'drummers' to greet visitors with some nice percussion music. So one day, while waiting for their arrival, my colleague have nothing to do; came over to me and poked my knees with his drumstick.

me: ... I thought you were going to lift my skirt or smthg. Perv.
him: what! what's there to see anyway?
me: ...tentacles....
us: ..............................................................................................................................
me: wait, that didn't sound right
him: i'm walking away now
me: ...but tentacles are cool!!!
me: i should really stop talking. like, now.


I was thinking for a name for my online pet giraffe in Facebook, and the only name that flew in my head and got stuck was Mooji. So Mooji it is.

The moment my finger pressed 'Enter', my colleague came behind me and handed me a student's work. Mongolian guy.

Whose nickname is Muuji wtf.


Quick sketch in the office:

HAMMIE LOVE~~!!!!!!!! it wasnt a hamster at first... but a bottle spurting floaty liquid, but my colleague kept looking over my shoulder and laughing like mad because he said it has a strong sexual innuendo -_________-'''

Then when I changed it into a hamster, he laughed again at the finger's positions -__-;. So redrew the finger.
I feel so uncorrupted when I'm with these guys hahahah!

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Flying balls and a Black Parade

Got up at an ungodly hour on one lovely Sunday; 8am. Played two hours of badminton with Kezia, Seiji, TJ, Alex and Kez's siblings. Surprisingly... it was really really fun.

Then for lunch we had McDs. Which somewhat beats the purpose.

Next, was snooker. I kept missing the holes by 0.000001cm. Kez was amazing; she hit the ball right out of the table, like 329472385720 times (okay, only three times.). Obviously she was mortified. Then I told her the story of my flying ball moments... only I nearly skewered someone by letting go of the pool stick as well. I hope she feels better after that, because I felt kinda mortified from remembering my dark times.....

Rushed home to pass a turkey to my aunt. (Very random, I know wtf.)

About an hour or so later, I was out the door again.

My Chemical Romance was in town! Along with Char (i SWEAR; best person to go concert with!!), we were arrived there around 5.40pm, with the sky threatening to rain down on us. Was actually considering to bring along my umbrella, but didn't because:
1) getting drenched and soaking in the music is wayyyy better than being busy holding the umbrella and blocking people's view.
2) it's so uncool. Sorry. I'm -that- vain.

Waiting in line

Dove shampoo commercial

Oh before I forget... When we got into a field, I spotted a student of mine there... who was SUPPOSEDLY in an accident -_-;;. Damn char tou wtf. 'Cause that's his excuse for missing class and not submitting his work. Which has since shattered. Into itsy bitsy microscopic pieces. The best part is that he saw me too and... we waved (albeit with strained expressions from both sides). Hilarious, now that I think about it.

One Buck Short and Pop Shuvit were the opening acts. Couldn't see the stage because free standing and being short does not go well together. Waited for quite some time for MCR. Would had been a really boring time, if it weren't for a few guys nearby goofing about. They weren't lookers to me before, but after cracking up and bullshitting with them, they became positively hot in my standards hahah!

mereka belum datang lagi.

...masih belum datang orz....

MCR finally arrives... Verdict? The concert was great! Only knew their famous songs though. I think it would had been more amazing if I knew more of them. Still, had an awesomely good time; jumping, singing(yelling actually hahah), dancing... to the point that my muscles were begging for sweet mercy. I love that Char was next to me and that the crowd around us wasn't made of stones =D.

In the middle of the concert, one of the goofballs turned to me and yells, "I lou-kong you, okay?!?" (lou-gong is 'husband' in Cantonese, or, i be your husband okay?). Then there's me thinking, join in the bullshit la, and yelling back with thumbs up, "Okay!!! No prob!!"

It was about a seconds later when I realised he didn't say lou gong... he said DUKUNG ('carry' in Malay) because he lifted me up!!!

Hahaha wtf, my hearing is damn celaka wtf.

It was a scene of mixed emotions; Thrilled because I could see the band playing VERY clearly. Mortified because I'm not exactly thin... And yet... happy because I CAN be carried and he didn't tremble or sink into the ground. It was fun. Very fun XDXD.

It was drizzling all the way. But, in Char's opinion, it was really fitting to the band's songs... we're in their world that moment.

The stage! The um... very...far... away... stage.

Drenched! Or we'd prefer to call it a baptism ;P

Char looks sexy in this. I look like a man in this.

The guy we BS-ed with!!!

All the black clothes! It's like I never left the office wtf

The still figure in a sea of moving people

Char just makes every single picture look better.

Uniformed guys thinking, "Faster go back la wtf..."

Monday, December 10, 2007

Who will stand up for you then?

I don't know how some people are able to stay neutral in the face of what has happened. Then to add that the people in the peaceful walks are attention whore is just... -knocks head on wall-

When the Nazis came for the communists,
I remained silent;
I was not a communist.

When they locked up the social democrats,
I remained silent;
I was not a social democrat.

When they came for the trade unionists,
I did not speak out;
I was not a trade unionist.

When they came for the Jews,
I remained silent;
I wasn't a Jew.

When they came for me,
there was no one left to speak out.

Don't turn away from problems, and declare yourself neutral.

I guess it's not a pretty sight for now. It's like stirring up a lovely pond which resulted in an amazing amount of rubbish being freed from the bottom of the pool and floating happily on the surface. Then as the pond dwellers and visitors gape at the amount of shit in the pond, the Guardian of that pond panics and wallops the stirrers with one hand and pushes the trash back down into the depths with the other (while spitting sputum into the water...). And that'll go on. And on.

The rubbish remains in the pond; waiting to be fished out.

Hobbit puts it best, "For what it's worth, it showed the true colours of the ruling party." wtf so much shorter than mine. Hobbit! You fail as an artist! Supposed to be more cheong-hei wtf.

Good leaders does not seek to fulfill selfish wishes. When problem comes, they do not cover their own hineys nor try to desperately cling to their position. Which, unfortunately, is a pretty common sight here.

How Malaysia celebrates International Human Rights Day?

Brainwashing fail?? Okay, plan B.

I'm disappointed and pieces of my heart are in coma by the turn of events today. This is happening here? In my country??? I mean you hear of it happening in another country and we think, "oh, the poor bastards."

And now we're the poor bastards.


And Human Rights day.... oh, the irony of it is just killing me from inside. Reassuring people that you'll listen, then tripping them over at the first chance you get is NOT the way you'll win our hearts and our trust. If their plan is to discourage any more 'challengers'... I'm afraid that their plan backfired. Because this is PRECISELY why we need a change. Drastically. (Thanks for the eye-opener, chaps!)

PY's Post: Malaysia, my country

Friday, December 07, 2007

A Textbook Life

Why do you not steal?
Because The Book says not to.
Why do you not kill?
The Book states that it is wrong to kill.
You should not steal because people worked hard for the things you have stolen. They earned it; you didn't. Satisfaction comes in earning it. Stealing only results in emptiness. You should not kill, not only because it's a human life, they are also someone's brother, sister, mother, father,  husband, wife, daughter and son. By killing, you tear not only one flesh, but the souls of plenty others.
Reason and rationality.
A chance encounter with my colleague taught me a new word; Dogma. He was carrying his artwork; a book bounded and held up by chains on a canvas, with the word 'Dogma' under it.
Life is not a textbook. Life is not a PMR or SPM examination; where you swallow and vomit, without ever digesting.
I'm proud to say that I'm very much my own person. I'm always, first and foremost, a good person (or at least, trying to be) before a good Buddhist. The true pious people I've met are always good people first before anything else. The world would be a better place if there's more people like that.
The sad thing is, these days, some people define themselves first by their religion, and then, a good human being in second place. Take away their religion and they're lost. If they are good human beings in the first place, they won't be. Their lives will still go on; with or without the book. 
What about you?

Friday, November 30, 2007

The windy evening

Walking out to the balcony, I accosted the clothes hangers. Hangers that were swaying side-to-side like a hula dancer wannabe. With my arms resting on the balcony rail, the wind swept over my entire being. My shirt fluttered happily in response and my hair danced unobtrusively around my face.

My heart and mind were put at ease.

No lover can ever brush your cheeks and kiss your neck so gently.

While enjoying this and sometimes looking at hot, sweaty boys shooting hoops below (...I hope you take 'hot' literally -innocent look-), I happened to glance to my right and was greeted by a pleasant surprise.

The girl next door was also at her balcony, with her arms rested on the rails, looking as though she's loving the wind just as I am (and perhaps the boys too... you wouldn't know =D)

We both smiled at the same time and waved at each other... it was such a nice feeling.


A photoshop drawing!

Click for high res... it'll bring thee to my DevArt.
Click it there again & it'll be big.

I should really be drawing more.... I need something to keep me going. I wonder if a whip-wielding person will do...? My skills are growing molds and housing odd colonies.

Sometimes you just want perfection so much; you end up doing nothing because of the fear of screwing up.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Remember, remember the tenth of November

Tens of thousands of people walked the city peacefully yesterday.They walked to Istana Negara, handed over a memorandum to the King's Secretary and they dispersed.

What's one day of traffic in exchange for people walking in support for your rights, for a better Malaysia, for a fair and free election? For a better future? I hope that no one will look at this incident and think that it's an Anwar thing or a PAS thing. The bigger picture is not.

(And who really caused the traffic jam? Was it the activists, or was it the police who set up numerous road blocks to deter them? And not allowing trains to go to Pasar Seni and Masjid Jamek?)

Like a friend of mine said, sure, it's being compared to Myanmar, but the thing is they are under the military junta. We, on the other hand, are worse because we're supposed to be a democratic country.

If there's nothing to hide, why is there nothing on the mainstream newspapers today? I was really disappointed in that because I wanted to trust that the government will do the right thing. I've been reading both sides for the past months, not sure which is the truth. But today the government has silenced their people's voices... a clear example that unfortunately we don't count. All they care about is covering their own butts.

As Al-Jazeera has put it... this is democracy Malaysian-style.


The Memorandum to the King
YouTube: Al-Jazeera Covering the Event 1
YouTube: Al-Jazeera Covering the Event 2
TheCicak: Discussion
JeffOoi: Paint it Yellow
JeffOoi: How They Paint it Yellow
CNN: Teargas used on rare Malaysia Demo
KakiBlog: My Report from the Bersih Rally (Good first hand account)
The Star: Najib on why police didn't permit the gathering
AFP: Malaysian opposition slams government over protest clampdown
(Relevant links from MalaysiaToday)
On-site updates in comments for 10 Nov
Govt warning to organizers to call off mass rally
Pictures 1
Pictures 2
Malaysian petitioners defy police (Asia Sentinel)
Malaysians hold huge rally for free elections (Bangkok Post)

Monday, November 05, 2007

I'm somewhat troubled.

Let's just say there's this project that helps a minority, and at the same time, they are missionaries.

And because I'm an idealistic twerp, I dislike the idea of assistance with underlying intentions. Personally I'm against the mere idea of it.

But let's pull back the focus, much further away until I'm just a dot in your view; but the minority will benefit from it; shelter, food, skills, transport, education etc...

The good seems to outweigh the bad. It's something like, so what if they are converted.. at least they get good out of it.

I don't know. My brains seems to be going through some rewiring...

What do you think?

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Still Pond

A peaceful pond waiting for something; a fallen leaf, a stray pebble, a dehydrated frog... anything to disturb the stillness.

Fresh oxygen into the water. Maybe these bubbles could revive a dead person from the bottom of the pond. Maybe she'll float to the surface and regain life again.

It does cross my mind; questions of where did that spunky free-spirited girl disappeared to... and whether am I still passionately in love with life. Where is the girl who could come up with witty replies and garner a round of laughs? The easily excited one. Why am I so cautious now? Weren't you ever in a situation that makes you feel like you're walking on a mine field?

My friend tells me to get rid of my underlying anger. What anger, I ask. I don't have any. But even he could see past my sugar coated words. Is it really anger, or is it fear? Is it a defense of something I could not really comprehend?

Does life experience really change you? I'm only 21; I've only had a thin slice of that cake. Why do I feel as though I'm already half-full with sadness?

Part of me want to restore that spirit. Part of me tells me that it's the process of growing up. Repair yourself or don't look back. How torn can I be?

Now I'm more quiet. I look at people and think. I laugh at my colleague's hilarious antics but I do not join in.

Despite the forlorn-like words above, I didn't feel sad on the eve of my birthday. Which is so rare. Such is that strange calmness and contentment of the big 21. Maybe I'm just accepting the fact that I can never reach the level I want to... that I should be content with being ordinary. A simple girl who is just trying to be be more than what she can be.

And that is okay.

Monday, October 08, 2007

The Perfect Man

Oh, why am I so lazy to blog these days? I used to be a happy hippo who ruins keyboard after keyboard due to my vigorous typing and heavy um... whatdyacalledahippohand. Tons of unedited pictures lay impatiently in my computer. Booing me. Damn them.

Work is teaching me some values. Like, patience. It's kinda odd to have people looking at you for answers when in a way, I consider them as my peers. I'm still having trouble getting my point across. Still, I'm glad I'm doing this though.

I'm so. so. so. so. broke this month. Birthdays mostly.

The pinnacle of my social life equals to me being tagged XDDDDDDDD. Thanks Sheryl!!!

1. The tag victim has to come up with 8 different points about his/her perfect lover.
2. Have to mention the gender of his/her perfect lover.
3. Tag eight other victims to join this game and leave a comment on their blog.
4. If you are tagged the second time, there is NO need to do this again.
5. Lastly, and most importantly, HAVE FUN DOING IT.

8 different points about my perfect lover

- Responsible and compassionate..
- There's something about confidence... It's sexy! Hahahaha! But not to the point of arrogance, definitely.
- Secure. As in not being suspicious of me when I'm in a company of a guy (gasp!), girl (scandal!) or dog (wtf....!!) etc.
- Someone who stimulates me. And I meant that intellectually, you perv.
- Broad shoulders. Glorious fantastic strong br- okay i'll stop now. (So will the drooling.)
- Although SNAGs would probably be good for my sanity, a little Me-Tarzan-You-Jane would be lovely. (Sorry la, I grew up on Mills&Boons...)
- Easy going, fun loving, adventurous and outdoorsy. So he won't be afraid of new experiences when we go backpacking or something.
- And most importantly, love me as I am. (*holds up "Tilt head & go, 'Awwwwwww...'" sign*)

That's more than 8 points actually, haha! But it's always good to make a list. Like Suki (PV07) said, it's easier to kill off options wtf.

Oh yes, tagging:
- PY
- ML
- Charlene
- Runawaycat
- Seiji
- And whoever wants to la!

I should really be sleeping now.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Runway chest | Desert-In-Drag | Subdued Merdeka

Online shopping (well, surfing, more like...) hath taught me one important fact:


I quote:

"Bust: 76cm"
"Bust: 72-80cm"

.... Tis a sin to possess boobs.

Maybe it's just an Asian thing. (Asian girls having breasts?? Pffffttt!! An airplane could land on her chest and bloody skid off)

Okay okay, I'm actually grudgingly referring to the girls who looks like they came out from Taiwan/HK/Japan fashion magazines (and how lotsa clothes are for them and them only). Either that, or they are forever stuck in the body of an 11 year old. Or the final option is that they're actually dudes in disguise.


Ever since moving to a apparently intelligent place (but is really a desert in drag), I leap at any chance to hang out with my buddies during the weekend in KL. It's like being released wtf.

You know what feels good? Not having to worry about money. Not having to worry if I will have enough to scrape by, or if I'd have enough fare to go home if I were to get that book/shirt etc. Not having to worry that I'm being a burden to my parents. The best part is I even get to help them out a little. At that moment, this is what making me feel reallll good.

I love this feeling of independence. The problem is, got money, no time. Bloody.

And because my posts have been lacking pictures lately, tada~!:


...@ MV movies, waiting for PY to come out from loo hahah!
(she went into the right gender one this time XDDDDDD)

Mylo is....

...bowing to me.

Anorexic Yoda.

My first Teacher's Day gift!!! Julia is the sweetest~

Suigao Night:

My ickle cousins

Me mam~

Miss Selfridge's fitting room, few mths back.
Can't afford therefore.....


On the eve of Merdeka, I was passing by Masjid Jamek. Many many people moving towards the train stations. Like a school of fishes swimming. I'm also a fish I guess. But that's not the story.

Many Malaysians near the historical place of Dataran Merdeka. Due to the significance of the date, the amount of people is astounding and there were 'people-traffic' police.

Someone in the crowd yells, "MERDEKA!!!! MERDEKA!! MERDEKA!!!!"

And silence.

A lone voice rings, and no one in the crowd even flinches. Half a decade old yet no one is truly joyful from the heart. I couldn't help but think, if this is someone's fiftieth birthday party, this shows what kind of life she must have lead.

But then again it could just be me all tired from the 2 hour journey from work and turning cynical and stuff.

Then again, what is a little pessimism if there weren't a little truth in it? Throughout my whole life, I've been blissfully ignorant... until I was in college, and learned to think.

Don't be mistaken; I love my country. Love it enough to want better. My greatest wish is to stay in foreign countries for a couple of years, but I know I'd want to come back. This is home. Unless if our hearts is gone, changed for the worse and what's left of our meaning is buildings and bricks... then I'll go.

50 years of Independence & 44 years of being, and Malaysia is still very much a teenager.

She's arrogant yet she has much much more to learn. She's prone to succumbing to threats and emotional blackmail when things don't go their way. She beats around the bush about what she's done and where she's been. When questioned of her mistake, she would blow up the very littlest things and in the end, evades solving the problem.

"Mind emptying the bin? You're supposed to do that everyday and it's been a week. The smell is getting too much to bear.."
"So? Just ignore it."
"Honey, that's not the point."
"... WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?!??? Why are you ALWAYS picking on ME??" (slams door)

To be fair, I'm no angel to teenage angst and unreasonable thinking. Oh, the sweet, painful memories... Every ounce of logic is driven over and positively flattened under the wheels of raging emotion. I'm right, you're wrong. End of story. But at some point, I do know how to grow up. I do respond to the nagging feeling in the back of my brain, that tells me that I may have not said, or done the right thing. I learn to listen to that feeling.

Looking back, as a teenager, I might appear to be delusional. Even advice from well-meaning family and friends are taken as attempts to poison me. But then again, it's so hard to take advice from people during the time when you think you know everything and that you're absolutely right in everything you say and do.

When you're young, people are more willing to forgive your rash and uncouth words. Forgive your arrogance. Your denials to obvious problems. But when you're older, like 50, it's so much harder to let it by.

Malaysia, I'm waiting for you to grow up.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Sentimental Fool

     Step into my room and you'll be greeted by a mountain of things scattered across my room, like wild grass and flowers weaving in and out of a landscape. Odd pieces of paper pressed into submission by much heavier objects. Towers of books threatening to topple over and crush unsuspecting dust mites (or my overgrown rodent...). Little useless knick knacks that breathes a life from a forgotten world. For the moment, let's ignore the idea of sheer messiness that is my room. I'll get back to it later.

Compulsive disorder? Perhaps.I guess I'm a possible candidate but I never 'reached' that point. I'm not stubborn or unreasonable to not be able to be rational.

For instance... what does this little 1 inch pencil mean to you? Most likely junk, fit for a journey right into the trash can, pronto! But not to me.

     Because in my eyes, it's not merely a piece of wood and lead, but one that turns into a storybook in my hands. Because in my mind, my eyes are blindfolded in the midst of memories and those are the 'hands' that brings me to a specific, and familiar memory. It could be a person, an event or a forgotten feeling. Of the millions of mass produced pencils, this is what makes my wee little pencil special.

Same goes to the little notes; ones that me and my friends scribbled on in primary and high school days. The drama, the heartache, the headache and most of all, the sweet memories of friendship back in my schooldays.

     Why did I suddenly write about this? It all started when my colleague's poster went missing. So what, you might say. Get another. But my colleague seemed upset. Get over it, you say. It's only a poster. But it's not. It has sentimental value. Like how a body is just a body, and how a person is a body with a soul.

    And by the way, I like the mess. I hope I'll never turn into a Tabletop Gleaming, Everything Hidden from Sight person. I'll never be comfortable in a sterilised world. I'll give leeway for a place that isn't my own, or when shared with someone else, but in my own room? This is my world. These are objects I picked up along this journey of life.

Alas, I must say that much has since been tossed away. With the coldness of an onsetting adulthood, I took a deep breath 3 years ago and submerged myself in them for one last time... and slowly sorted through the 'useless' items; short, yellowed, torn or dusty. Objects in tiptop shape yet no longer fitted in my hands will have to go too.

I remember standing in the middle of my room, much neater and cleaner, looking a little sadly over to that big black plastic bag. Let go.

     Even with the major overhaul, I still keep the littlest pieces of these objects. I'm still collecting. Little nonsense notes from my friends. Receipts from places that reminds me of my trips, my friends. Airplane tickets. The thank-you bands from Project Vietnam. An unfinished crochet scarf whose maker has since passed on.

   For the future. In case I submerge so deep and when I come up for air and I forget myself. If my mind is eaten by dementia or madness or confusion, at least I have these 'evidence' that these happened. At least I know that much is true.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Oh give us a home -insert big puppy dog eyes-...

I'm helping someone to find a lovable family for these gorgeous furry big dogs. Preferably responsible dog-lovers!

Free Image Hosting at

These rottweilers are 3 years old and 5 years old. Raised in a loving family, so they are very well-taken care of and healthy. Despite being rottweilers, they are very friendly. (That just makes them more adorable!!!)

Honestly, I love rottweilers (and their paws!) and I'd adopt them if it weren't for the fact that I already have 3 dogs of my own....

If you'd like to adopt them or want to know more about them, do give a call to Sook Fun @ 03-26911066!!! Serious adopters only.

Well-trodden depths

(Written weeks back)
How do you handle a place, a task that is familiar and yet unfamiliar?

The same rules do not apply. The rules that I've learnt so diligently in the past has been pulled out from under me. From the ground my eyes sweeps my situation and realised that everything from the ceiling, walls and furnitures had turned against me, by undulating furiously before my eyes... rendering confusion. I could barely make out the patterns and swirls of the new carpet. Again, am reduced to fumbling, stumbling and the general feeling of ineptness as a person.

Honestly, I don't think I'm handling it well. Patience, I've been told, when one day the uncertainty, tiredness, hunger and loneliness came to a full stop with me in the blues. Stop beating yourself up. It's not only bad, but also masochist-like. It's funny that only a month ago I told this very same thing to a friend, to not beat herself up. Yet here I am, down in my personal well-trodden depths. -waves -

As I type all of these, I'm still watching, behind the glass. It's thinning slowly and my heart still stops whenever I think I made a blooper.

As I type all of these, I can't help but be thinking... dude, I'm supposed to be cooler when I'm working wtf!!


Sunday, August 19, 2007

Modern Chinese Foot Torture and Lonesome-NOT

[[Blog debts: Vietnam | Bangkok | MYC]]

With all the dodgy politics these days, I stumbled upon a brilliant idea:

Allow voters in political elections to cast a vote against a candidate. Voters would still have only one vote but each against vote would nullify a for vote. This system would give voters who are disenchanted with party politics, and perhaps unlikely to vote at all, at least the chance to express their feelings about a party they really do not want to be in power.

Day 49 by Brad Sims @


... so what's up with this lazy arse? 
For weeks, I have been blending into the night, scaring random people. Don't worry, no super powers involved, but it's just the clothes. Black, black and moarrr black. Where I work, the dark garbs are compulsory. So emo hor? Hahah jkjk. I only dig out my house keys around 8-9pm because that's the time I reach my doorsteps. Which sucks majorly.
I think the previous sentence makes it very obvious as to where I am now, but don't mention it -cough-. Even when there's spotlight from heaven upon you and hark! angels singing, just... don't. Kapish? (This is the cue for you to nod your head at the screen while going, "Kapished.")
   And heels are simply the modern version of Chinese foot binding torture. Okay, it's only a little over an inch, but I've been bestowed with flat feet, that splays out from my ankles then closes politely at my toes. I like and yet hate heels. They make me look good... the downside is it makes me walk like a duck after a whole week wearing them wtf. I have since given up, and wore flats... which probably makes my spine really really happy. So much for my grand plan to be professional looking like. Faillll. 
     Back to dying at my doorste-, I mean, the whole coming home late thing, the continuous rinse-and-repeat is really getting to my energy levels. By 6.30am, I'm out and I only get back earliest by 8pm. That gives me about fours hours for myself (lest if I want to look like a zombie from hell the next day...) until sleeptime. At the rate I'm going, I'll probably die early. Halfway to the trip and a roadside grave. Boohoo for me. Hence, I'm moving closer to that place.
    Sigh. That's the killer for my plans to continue my Japanese Studies and maybe try dance or yoga. You don't get much at a place emptier than the Sahara.Yet I can't wait! I always wanted to move out. It's not that my homelife is terrible, it's just that the idea of independence and self-sufficiency is very appealing to me. Here's to hoping that I won't be crawling back home with my tail between my legs. Not literally, of course. I wouldn't want to have a tail even if i have a choice; I'm already bad enough with keeping my emotions under the surface. Like, if I had a tail, and I see someone that I like like, I'll prolly be airborne due to very vigorous tail wagging.

     Yumcha debts, down to two! A little skeptical about one of them though... if you haven't hung out with a bunch of people for ages, it's bound to be a little awkward. Well, not in all of the cases la... more often, we would pick up where we left of. Anyway, I met these previously mentioned bunch briefly, and instead of feeling comfy and happy like I used to, I felt as though plonked back in high school among the outgoing peeps and where all my words could only sound wrong. Damn, I hate that. It's some sort of thing that I can't seem to graduate from.
   Oh, I finally watched Transformers yesterday. Because I'm like, the 0.001% of people in Malaysia who hasn't watched it, not only was it tough trying to find somebody to watch it with me, I feel a bit ancient. I felt like Astro's  Magnificent Shiny Disc Hero guy. Everyone keeps telling me, 'Tai jor lor!!!!' wtf.

And the people who HASN'T watched it was either grounded or working or has best excuse I've ever heard; she can't stand Shia's nostrils.

So I went alone. (And often distracted by someone's nostrils due to said friend's comment...)

    Before you gasp and go, "Oh that's so sad!!!", I'd like to kindly inform you that I don't get the hoohaa about needing someone to accompany you. Same goes to eating alone in a restaurant. It was never an issue until a whole group of my college friends stared at me with glittery sympathetic eyes when I happened to mention that sometimes I watch movie/eat alone. Some jumped and immediately offered to be my accost, which is really really sweet of them.

    It's not to say that I do not like company and that I'm a lonesome hermit who probably has mushrooms growing in dodgy places.... far from it actually. I mean, the mushrooms grows in... jkjk. Hanging out with people and discussing movie plots over a cuppa after are two of my joys in life. However, at the same time, I enjoy my own company. Especially when I have personal chores to complete. I'd feel bad for dragging my buddies all over the places. Like dragging a manly man into stores with a decorating theme called Pink Madness Overdose on Rainbows and Unicorns and Gay-Looking Elves in tights.

    Besides, I'd like to think that my brain is capable of entertaining itself thankyouverymuch. How? Bombarding self with own lame jokes/observation (and actually getting it, because, well, it's me? XD). Daydreaming weird situations (which explains the glazed look while walking...). And of course, thinking of immensely important things ("Should I go to the loo on this floor or below? Why is that floor tile a tad shade darker than the rest? Why is that bitch cutting my line? etc)

Spending time with yourself is rejuvenating, to say the least ;P. Just think of the whole thing like rechargeable batteries.

Friday, August 10, 2007

SEALNet Video


Here goes a fresh round of missing the whole experience...

(Video made by Peter from

Thursday, July 19, 2007

First Day: Landed!!! And a flurry of motorbikes later....

My computer is still dead. Photos will have to wait T_T

     If anyone's wondering about me health-wise, I'm much much better now. It's unbelievable how low my immune defenses are... all those late nights (...more like early mornings...) and sleepless days due to assignment rushing had caught up on me in the past 2 months, whooping with joy for the hapless victim that is me. In the past weeks, I've never felt so fragile in my life.

    Ever since coming back from my trip, I haven't been able to step out of the house without feeling as though I could keel over or fall asleep halfway... until this week (WHOOOHOOO!!!!). It's so funny how when I am unable to, there's so much for me to do... mostly meeting up with friends. Yumcha debts:
- Vishul and gang
- PY and LC (tomorrow!!!)
- Moony returns from UK! (watch out for major glomping ;P)
- Ashaaaa (going back to high school for long forgotten cert hahah)
- Kezia, TJ, etc... (Seiji, un-pokkai yourself now XD)
- Wai Mun's upcoming party-gathering (still not sure how to get there though...)

    Gosh, I miss them so much! All I've been seeing lately are new faces; from Bangkok to MIRACLE Youth Conference to Project Vietnam. It's definitely great to meet new people, but it's sort of like...sleeping on brand new mattresses as opposed to one that you have slept on for 3 years? All soft and comforting now... Holy crap, I'm comparing you guys to mattresses....

     Weird comparisons aside... when I snap back from Lalaland these days, there's this lingering longing. Not always, just a few times, but I guess that's enough, huh? The dreams still flutter behind my eyelids, trying to catch on wisps of something that fades from one's waking memory. In these dreams, I was back in Vietnam, in the 15 May School. The layout of the place is reinvented in my head and yet everything felt vivid. In one of these dreams, An, Boon Ming and me went back to Vietnam for less than 2 days because something happened in 15 May (can't remember). And my dream-self always seeks for one particular kid, Quy...You'll get to know him soon. Maybe not in this entry, but soon.


19th June 2007

Instead of taking the MRT to Changi, then the shuttle bus to budget terminal, my aunt kindly arranged transport for me wheeeee!

      As I took my seat on the plane, there's this overwhelming dreaminess that swept over me. Not dreaminess, but more like there's a sensory upgrade? Everything seemed 'bigger' than it is. Everything comes with a story. A sort of detachment from the usual thinking? I was looking out of the window and saw a dragonfly over the wing... and I was hooked on dreaming of the past; of people who dreamt of flying, looking at these creatures. Ponderings turned into wishes; wishes turned into sketches; sketches into machines... how wonderful to see the inspiration and the inspired next to each other.

     Then when we're finally in the air, don't even get me started on the stories I got from clouds! They are beyond small clumps of fluffy cotton, with long thin wisps of moody sheets looming over it. Instead it's a congregation of teddy-bears dancing the morn away, a dog breathing flames... Suddenly my reverie cracked from a pining stomach. -__-;

I tried to get the stewardess' attention for a cup of instant noodles (SGD4... budget airway, ye can't expect freebies!) but was looked over =__=;.

My neighbour had her feet up against the front seat throughout the whole flight. Luckily, no case of Hong Kong Chau Keok...

     Nearing Vietnam, the plane weaved in and out of clouds. Short glimpses of a land, with rivers so big they looked like highways instead, before my view is shrouded by a curtain of suspended water. I didn't like the whiteness outside the window, the lack of visibility for the land I'm going to live in for the next 12 days... A river roundabout spotted. I had to put the pieces of the landscape together.

Pieces, pieces.... For the first time, I allowed myself a thought for what's to come. Like you, like everyone else, I'm a seeker of pieces... will I find one in Vietnam?
I was told to look out for the SEALnet banner. As I left the entrance door, I saw it.

'SEALnet' printed on an amazingly A4 sized banner. Nice.

     Three people await me; two are Nhung and Duong (pronounced 'Yeung') who were locals in the planning team and one was Selena, a future team member, who I later learnt was on the same flight as I was in. Accosting them was this... fascinating rubbery ball with little 'tentacles' all over it. Like a rambutan, only more awesome.  It is bright orange and simply mesmerising when you move it because the 'tentacles' sway like plants under the sea.

It was later christened as 'Emily'.

If anyone were to ask for my first impression of Vietnam... I'd say, The traffic wins, hands down.

     The traffic in Ho Chi Minh City is awesome beyond words. A huge number of motorcyles zooming around with helmetless people on it, and blaring horns is a common thing. Very chaotic and seemingly lawless at first glance... Like how sometimes the red, yellow, green in traffic lights all means 'Go' XDXD.

     I especially love the part when you see motorcycles from coming towards you from the opposite direction. Crossing the road for the first few days was definitely an adventure hahahha! And I'll never be flustered by Malaysian bikers ever again...

     Amidst the traffic, Nhung asks Selena and me had any questions about Vietnam. I immediately asked about the language. 'Cam on' means Thank You. But when I said that to the immigration guy, I got the weirdest look ever... Because the pronounciation leans more to 'Kham en' while I said... "Come on" wtf.

     Fast forward an hour later, after dumping our bags at the hotel, we headed to where the rest of the team were. Highlands, which is something like Starbucks chain. One table particularly stood out; a very lively group.

     And after that, I was in total... blurness. Table was buzzing with places, events and names that I do not recognise or have any idea of (beyond knowing the existence of the word. Like I could remember the word 'Wullabagawagagoogoogaaaaa'... but comprehension? Nada.). Example: MIT? UCLA? Dartmouth? Sure I know these are universities... but I'm totally clueless on how US education system works etc. I didn't feel too keen to interrupt a happy conversation just to go, "Huh?".

    I think I was really quiet that time. The first person I spoke to was John but mostly I'm just sitting there, being a very obedient sponge. It's just a little overwhelming initially.

Remember Emily? The bright orange rambutan ball-creature? Her role was to attract our attention at the airport lest we get lost, but her role has since become.... mascot-like XDXD. Someone named her, citing that it "looks like an Emily..." XDXD

     The rest of the day was basically for everyone to settle down and get to know each other. And as you know, the first obstacle is.... names XD. In a hotel room, we sat in a circle and played this game called the Name Game. It's like this, person 1 goes, "Fred." Person 2 goes, "I'm Greg. Fred." Person 3 goes, "Yo, I'm Mimi. Fred. Greg."... and on it goes. There's about 23 people in the room and with great luck, the person next to me was the first one to go... and I'm the last. And if you know me in real life, I'm CRAP with names!! It was really fun though; at least I remember everyone's names on the 1st day hahah.

    I'm not about to list down every single thing we did (Heck, I'm even surprised if anyone made it that far down here......damn). Other than the above, introduction to SEALnet and Project Vietnam (PV). Goals and what's at stake. There was one session that I remember well; you turn to the person next to you, and just share with each other on why you chose PV, what do you expect out of it, and what you have to offer on this project. Gayle was the first one I spoke with about this. Then Selena.

I remember Selena offering this view; Some people just go for the sake of going. Selfish reasons, you know? Just so they could say, Hey, I did this and that charity! And after that, they won't think about it. It shouldn't be that way. They should go beyond that.

I really liked that. I think it captures what service leadership is all about. What this project aims to acheive. People tend to not go further once a project or charity run etc ends. It becomes a surface, instead of reaching the core. And I guess that's... really sad.

The clogs in my brain shook off the dust, and the clik-cloks sounds started up; a change from the usual silent domain.

Monday, July 09, 2007

The Day Before

     Bronchitis, bronchitis... I never knew the extent of your annoyance, (nor your existence, really...) until you have befallen me. As complained to Linh (a friend from Project Vietnam!), I think I've generated enough snot, phlegm and lung mucus to fill up a kiddie pool. For once, I'm not exaggerating. Dammit.

     That's not even my biggest problem; I don't care if I cough up enough snot/mucus/phlegm for a Olympic-sized pool, but what irks me is the force of the coughs. I coughed so violently in the past 3 days, it should be given a 18-SG rating. Seriously. If I wasn't so heavy, I might had propelled backward... I could say the same for fartin- no no, I didn't say that ;P. SO! The upper part of my torso hurts and I haven't started on coughing yet! Let's just say that it's painful enough to make me dread coughing. It's probably sore muscles but I feel as though I cracked some bones or something...

     Health is very important. Do take care of it. I didn't, so it's the whole 'Been There, Done That, Filled a Kiddie Pool With Snot...' thing. This is a public service announcement from Confessions Of a Confused Soul. Thank you for reading.

    Before unloading my another long-winded entry, here's a shoutout for MOONY!!! Also known as the Bouncy Oompha Loompha in our circle XDXD Welcome home, babe! Wished I could had been there T__T

18th June 2007
Still in Singapore.

Adventure of the day: I remembered that my EZLink card (like TouchNGo card, only more effective hahah) had money in it from my last trip to SG (Dec 06), so when my grandma asked me if I'd like her card, I said no. I boarded the bus with it... and I was right!!!

Amount left in card: 3 cents

I'm amazingly smart. Mensa, please endorse me.

     To not bore people, I bonded with my grandma. Also, I encouraged her to scold my mom wahahahahah! (I love it when my mom is being 'put in her place' by my grandma.) Visited a four-storey library (GLEE! GLEE!!!) which was only a 10 minutes walk away (DOUBLE GLEE! GLEE!!!) and spent the rest of my day there. Had an interesting chat with the housekeeper, Michew (?), about her own country Myanmar. On Suu Kyi... so many united voices with powerful support for democracy but guess who has the guns? Phooey =(.

Trying not to think anything about the next day... flying to Vietnam and I did not wish to have any expectations.

     I was commanding brain to not think about what's ahead so much until my brain got numb. It's like self-applied anaesthetic on brain cells or something. One bad habit of mine is imagining too much of what's to come, and when I actually get there, I'm often disappointed, so expectations = gets no-no this time.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

High-class buses and the daydreamer relived

Back in Malaysia since yesterday! Currently trying to heal from bronchitis, and meanwhile, here's an update! Rewind please!

17th June 2007

   Paranoid about missing the bus, my very harried mom made us all go early. Tossed me, my dad, my luggage and dumplings (for my grandma) straight into the car... only to get out moments later because her car ain't working wtf. We reached Corus Hotel very early though, and ended up sitting on the stairs, slightly shivering from the morning chill. I've only packed my bag the night before and man, if you ever need an expert to stuff the kitchen sink in your luggage, I'll be THE one to do it! Such skills that I have acquired; I would actually feel prouder if it weren't for the fact that it's one heck of a useless skill =___=;;;.

   Anyhoo, the double-decker bus finally rolled in, 15 minutes shy from the departure time. Weeks before, I was insisting on sitting on the Konsortium (because I'm a cheapskate and Konsortium ain't that bad!!), which would probably save us back about 80 bucks, but my mom wanted me to try the apparently "high-class bus". I got a kick from how they tried to make everything sound so high-end; on the side of the bus, there was " AEROLINE The Convenient Way To Fly".

Um. Fly? The only way that a bus would fly is when it hits a barrier and somersaults through the air. THEN you will say, "Oooh, flying bus!" before it comes crashing to the ground and bursting in flames. Then a smartass would go, "Oooh, dying people!" =_____________________=;;;; * tosses smartass into fire and burning metal*

And oh oh, the announcement! I found it so funny that I actually copied it down:

"... There is a toilet in the lower deck for light usage only. I repeat, LIGHT USAGE only. If you're going for heavy usage, kindly inform me, we could stop at any restrooms down the highway."

One , upper and lower deck. Ahoy there sailors! Two, "We'll be stopping by the restrooms as a passenger would like to do a Number 2." Okay, they didn't actually say that. I just love how they keep emphasizing the light usage part. It's even printed in A4 and stuck on the wall in the toilet.

On the bright side with rainbows and woodland creatures, Aeroline has the extra leg space, television and servings of food. Well, water bottle (Evian!) and fruit cake.

     This is probably the first time that I'm travelling on my own, not to mention that in two days I'll be flying to Vietnam, and understandably my parents, especially my mom, were quite worried. No matter how old I am, they will always see me as the baby of the family... it's a quarter annoying and 3-quarters heartwarming. To be honest, I still can't believe that they let me go. The first part of my life was a very sheltered one... I was book-smart but nothing else and I hated it. My mom's overprotectiveness used to drive me up the wall and I can still remember the fierce arguments that ensued whenever I voiced out my desire to take public transport; I fought with her for four years before she allowed me to take public transport. We're like night and day, and yet at the same time, we have the same ground; our basic principles. After that, it was gradual process of letting go. It must had worked because I was on my way to Vietnam on my own ;P. Back to the alone part, I've always travelled with PY and suddenly there's no one to chat with or camwhore with on the bus.


     What did I do then? There will, of course, be the sleeping, and most possibly snoring. Then a call jolted me awake, which was my mom worrying that SG immigration will confiscate the dumplings (FYI, the dumplings made it!). On the bus, there was this family with two boys. The boys were squabbling, as boys usually do. Then when they are tired, the younger one would climb to his brother's side and they would sleep hugging each other, which is so sweet!!! Then they would wake up and resume squabbling.

     And I did a lot of thinking. I was trying to remember the girl who used to enclose herself in her own world because she was so afraid. She fumbles in the real world and she couldn't bear the pain of being so useless, so she escaped. She soared and reached great heights in her dreams. It felt so safe and happy and comforting. She replays it, over and over, hoping that if she wish it hard enough, it would magically come true. But her eyelids were only screens to a fictional movie played by idle brain. She can't keep her eyes closed forever, and when she did open her eyes, she was stagnant while everyone else is in front. Dust laid in her hair and skin, undisturbed. Dust from her lashes fall like snow when she opened her eyes. It seeps into her vocal chords, and her throat rusts from the lack of use. That time I kept thinking that I'm brave but in truth, I was cowering in fear. And it felt so bad whenever I open my eyes. I was so happy in dreams, but when it came to the real world, I couldn't help crying. For years, I'm still healing from a past hurt, a betrayal so great, that it made me into the person I was then; meekness, nice little doormat, master escapist, and the dweller in people's shadows.

     The girl still appears once in a while, whenever I screw up and she would peek from the door and say, Come with me, let's run away!! and her outstretched hand looks so inviting. The world were I would be perfect and I could do no wrong. My own created reality; an altered one, made to fit. But I've learnt over the years that it's us who has to do the fitting in without compromising the person that you are. The world is not, and will not, revolve around a single entity. Nor will there be a fairy popping up and offering to turn back time for you. Running won't solve the problem. Living in the real world isn't as hunky dory than the fictional one. So why the real world? You won't be as happy. People here disappoint you, hurt you and leave you. But then daydreamers are forgetting the joy of growing as a person. I'm still very a child because I deprived myself so much in the past. Sure, things rarely go my way and there's more heartaches and sadness in comparison to the amount of happiness that I experienced. And the happiness that it gives me cannot be compared to the ones I get from dreams. It goes deeper to the roots of your being. It reaches into corners that you never thought existed. It's so much more fulfilling, like rich rich chocolate where one drop is enough as compared to the sugary mix weak chocolate that you could eat forever and don't feel full.

I live for that ounce of happiness. As long as it still exist, I will remain right here in the real world.

I don't want to feel afraid to go further, be more than I am. Time has been wasted for many years and though it would be easy to lament of the loss, I refuse to. I want to grow. I'm not as brilliant as some people, but I will not grudge. I will follow my own pace.

The late bloomer is on her way.

As my thoughts came to an end, I've reach Singapore. Eager to meet my aunt, grandma, uncle and niece. I never used to feel that way. It's funny that the older I grow, the more appreciative I am to have this big big family.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Is she still breathing?

Yes, I'm still taking up oxygen space if you don't mind =DDDDD.

Seven days later after MYC, I find myself on the  plane heading to Ho Chi Minh City. Even though I'm saying this as if I just happened to wander into the plane while sleepwalking, I assure you that it's a completely conscious decision. Despite being a total blurcase.

Before that, I was in Singapore for a couple of days and I hung out with my relatives there. If you were to rewind back a couple of years before this, I would probably dread going to stay with relatives because I'm not particularly close to much of them and also I was still a selfish little brat. But now, I spent some time walking with my grandma, playing with my ickle cousin and spoke loads with my uncle and aunt, and the verdict surprises me.

I liked it.

To keep it short because some other people need to use the internet, I caught a plane from SG to HCMC, and I've been here for 4 days. Xin chao, people! Loving my time here, and hoping I'm not jinxing myself with that. The kids at the 15 May school are great, and the curriculum team (that I'm in - we are compiling an activity book for the teachers) is pretty much done I think.

Anyway, hope my computer has risen from the grave by the time I get back. A certain person has beeen bugging me for pictures.

Buy me a new computer dammit.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Turning point

My life is charmed.

Unfortunately the wand wielder happens to be Wicked Witch of the East, orz.

    When I left, ScreamyAss hath abandoned my house and a week later upon return, the runaway is still nowhere in sight. Then when it DID come back, there was a flurry of relieved sighs; from me dad who relies on the net for business, and me because I REALLY need to send an email and gotta check up on some, especially the ones from SEALnet.

Oh how we rely on the internet so much.

Okay okay, hold up... so what has that got to do with the 'charmed' part?

You see, upon ScreamyAss's return, guess what happened to my computer?

It KAPUT-ed.

Damn 'char tou', can?!?

It's like you got the planks and nails, but no hammer. Then someone hands you a hammer and the nail turns to dust. =___=; What the.... Twice in 2 months! If on the field, sure get carded already wtf.

    Whining aside, everyday when I wake up, the songs (that we boogied to) are still prancing around in my head. I'm missing my 'family' T__T. I miss feeling tired but wanting moarrrr. I miss Raja's booty shake / Edwin's hamsupness versatile expressions/ Charlotte's big wide grin (basically all the FACI and OC and their quirkiness) ... Am still sorta in the MIRACLE youth conference (MYC) mood. Sorry la, I wean off slowly wan XD.

    The after-effects of MYC is still lingering on... Refreshed and energized, and nooooo, it doesn't stop there! I feel that there's something more, only I can't really put my finger on it.

    These days I've been thinking a lot, re-sorting my priorities, becoming more focused, less fumbly with my goals, a little less confused... I used to think that my eyes are wide open, but now I know that it's only been at half-mast.

    Before this I would avoid working in groups because I see it as inconvenient and a hassle, but now I'm going to rethink my stand. There's this undeniable warmness that fills up my heart when I look up and see everyone working together to reach our goal (this is the cue for everyone to cock their head and go, "Awwwwwwwwww...!" XD). I've always worked on my own, because I thought it is 'safe' . Well, no... because if I trip and fall, I have to stand up on my own again. Some may go, "Well, that's what strong people do," and yea, I do that most of the time, it's fine; but imagine falling down, then looking up to see a hand extended to you with a smiling face behind it... just feels so damn good.

    For that 5 days, I've learnt and experienced so much; not only from the activities, but also from watching the people I've met and had the pleasure to know. I didn't expect them to be my teachers, really. There's no class nor drawn out lessons... it lies in their actions and speech, a sort of subtle lesson with an impact that will last me a lifetime. Because of all these, I'm more driven to be a better person, a better human being.

We're all here for a reason... No matter how small you feel, you still make a difference.

MYC became a turning point in my life. The sower of seeds.

Alright, stopping now... gotta leave some for the post with pictures wtf XDXD

PS: Oh, pictures are stuck in my computer, probably moping and sulking as they won't be in public anytime soon hahah.

PPS: But for the eager ones, you could check out KP's blog(1 ,2) and his Flickr! My group and KP's were combined for Pimp My Country and we were hitting off bi/uni lateral deals with other 'countries' without realising that we're both Recommers XD.

And because I have nothing to do (Clearly...) :

Take this test at Tickle

You're single because you don't want to compromise

You live alone and like it, thanksverymuch. Well, at least some of the time. You prefer coming and going as you please, and you don't like to be controlled or held responsible for someone else's schedule or needs. After all, you probably have plenty of friends, a satisfying career (or other projects to occupy your time), and you may simply not have room for another person right now — unless of course they can bend to meet your routine exactly. Does this sound familiar?

While we admire your go-it-alone attitude — and your carefree, open-minded spirit — you may be shutting out others from your life without realizing it. You never know, maybe if you met the right person you could learn to grow together — while holding onto your hard-earned independence.

Why Are You Still Single?
Brought to you by Tickle

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Message Delivered to you by Maxis

Still alive la! Back from MIRACLE AIESEC which was super duper fun!! So fun until no voice wtf. No internet at home :(

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

A Broadway life

Okay, so I've been hacking coughs ever since I got back from Bangkok, but...

Me : Aiyah, feel so unwell.
Dad: Why?
Me : Erm, I'm sick?
Dad: You are?
Me : What, you didn't know?
Dad: Nobody tells me anything in this house!!!

Maybe I should had done a more theatrical cough. You know, LOUD with the flailing handkerchief, launching myself 3 meters backwards upon releasing a cough, fake blood, fainting and falling down the stairs dramatically (i.e.: remembering to hit every step with all my limbs).

But I have a nagging suspicion that it might end up like this;

Dad: Did something drop?


On other news, PY, speedy-blog-entry goddess, has already written about Bangkok.

Talk about pressure.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Cracked zen

Touchdown from Bangkok!!

Waiting for pictures from PY before I blog abt it... but then again, it may just be a repeat of my last Singapore trip, where it took me 3 mths and took PY closer to strangling me hahahah!

I haven't done a picture spam in a long long time so I can't wait, hohohoho!

Bangkok, in a nutshell, was like climbing from the bottom of hell to the peak of heaven. In a more straightforward term, it didn't start off so well but it was greatttt towards the end.


You know what I like?

Being the only one in the house.

My mom is worried out of her wits, wanting me to ask my friends to stay over or for me to stay at their place, which I deem very unnecessary.

I LIKE to be alone in the house. With my dogs of course =DDD. God knows, my imagination runs wild and it's often with scary creatures (pontianak, ju-on, etc) and ghosts wtf.

I would list out the reasons, only I'd hate to appear selfish and ungrateful. Fine, fine, I'll give you one reason: I can walk naked in the house, wheeeeeee!

... okay that's probably too much information, but don't worry. I'm not typing this in my birthday suit. You'll know the reason soon.

Perhaps I'm just that sort of person who likes a little detachment once in a while. To own a place that is usually occupied by other people is sorta nice.

And here I am, bundled up in my comforter (reminder: not naked) with my dog Madie next to my feet (curled up next to her new squeaky toy and sleeping soundly) and an arm's reach away is a cup of hot steaming crysanthemum tea. There is barely any sound except for the soft whirring of my computer fan and the staccato of my keyboard keys.

Aaah, how zen-like.

But of course, I live an existence where a priceless Ming vase, that had been missing for a few centuries, was found and upon being passed to me, I drop it. In a more familiar context, I wear out my favourite white shirt (fresh from a shower, going to see some hunk for a date etc) and being careful to not dirty it etc but not a moment later, a kid comes barreling towards me covered in paint.

Not entirely the same, because the former is my fault and the latter is the circumstances of another's action. And latter always happen to me because the God of Circumstances leads a boring life and I'm subject to his/her twisted sense of humour.

And so, back in the real world. Suddenly, the silence of the place is broken.

........... by a hacking cough.

Delivered by yours truly.

-Hacking cough x10 commence-

Poor Madie would jump then toss me a reproachful look before trying to get back to her doggie dreams.

It doesn't even stop there, because someone is knocking on my throat's door and it's Mr Phlegm wanting to get spitted out, only Mr Phlegm is one irritatingly sticky bastard. Very indecisive too.

Mr Phlegm: Hmmm... maybe I should stay. Should I? Maybe I should go, but it's just so comfortable here. To go or to sta-
Me: For the love of Smoochy, get the fook out!!!

Then my nose gets stuck from mucus.


After I've spitted out my phlegm and blown my nose, everything is calm again. At least for a while until the next time.

If this coughing goes up another notch, you'd see me bestowed with a hernia or spitting out my heart or smthg (Not an entirely pretty sight, still it would be an interesting change from phlegm)

Sucks to be sick. At least I wasn't sick in Bangkok I suppose.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

*drumroll drumroll*

Guess what is done? Like so totally done?

My assignment that's what!

Hurrah! The end of absolutely appaling sleep patterns (if I slept at all)!

Sometimes I feel happy with my animation, and the other I'm disappointed because it couldn't come out exactly the way I want it to. Lack of skills, orz.

Let me do a William Hung moment: I have done my best and I have no regrets at all.

And she bangs! She ban-..!


Okay okay, I was lying about the totally done thing, because I just managed to put in the important sound effects and not the rest, so during my nap two days after my submission, my lecturer gave me a call asking me to complete that part, orz.

Pity her because I still have one foot in LalaLand and nonsense spews out of my mouth like a bulimic on a roll.

Anyway, been tweaking my animation. The good thing that when it's personal to you, you'd want it to improve etc etc. I'll upload it when I get back from Bangkok, will work on it more after that.

I actually took a before-assignment and AFTER-assignment photo of myself to see the difference. Of course, the only reason I'd do that it's for my blog.

But after viewing the before and after, I decided that it would be too traumatising (for you) hence it shall be destroyed. Torn in itty bitty pieces, drenched with gasoline, burnt, scattered in the wind at the edge of the world... the whole works la.

You know how some people say that their eye bags looks pregnant and mine's with quadruplets.


My mom suddenly bought me these.
Whitening cream and revitalising (regenerating?) serum.

I wonder if she's trying to tell me something. =(

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Random MSN chats

Chatting about one-shot backpacking trip through southeast asia someday. Because paying for multiple plane rides would make my wallet suffer severely from gastric.

oh hippo said:
but from thai, u can travel by bus to each country mah
oh hippo said:
so it's like just two plane rides
oh hippo said:
and 5 countries kind of thing
PsYchO pHilOsoPHer said:
PsYchO pHilOsoPHer said:
PsYchO pHilOsoPHer said:
but sit until butt numb
oh hippo said:
beggars cant have healthy butts


Kezia's MSN nickname: Ganbatte to my GoGo & MuiMui too free here...hehe

GoGo = Seiji
MuiMui = Me

The message translates that there's one person watching drama and anime non-stop while the other two is still trying to complete their assignment, orz.

Kezia: go go dun be so lazy. u the role model of mui mui le
Seiji: roll model got lar.. see me roll on the floor when kenot submit on time

Better for your imagination if you're familiar with japanese animation XDXD.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

4 things. 2 months.

This holiday is going to be awesome on several levels.

At first I can't decide whether it's hectic or exciting, but I think I'll settle with exciting, because I'm so looking forward to it.

4 things.

2 months.

1 hippo dancing to the macarena


A month or two ago, I was greeted with a very tantalising SMS (although it's probably the fifth time I received such a message...). The temptress is PY and her poison is Bangkok.

We've been itching for Bangkok since our initial plan foiled and we went to Singapore instead.

The only thing that has been the barrier for me is moolah. At least I want to save up enough to go on a 1-2 mth trip to Thailand/Cambodia/Laos/Vietnam etc.

But then again, unless I'm going for degree, I'd be walking into the working world, not knowing when is the next time that I'll have enough accumulated leave to take for travel.

Not to mention, it's hard to have a period of time where both of us are free.

Withthese factors combined, I gave into absolute surrender and bowed to the travel bug in me.

Land of Tomyam I come to youuuu!!!! (... also can consider Land of Random Bombings, wtf...)

Five days, possibly 3 cities.

Tickets bought a month ago. No turning back. I still don't have a proper backpacking bag (at the moment, my trips aren't long enough to warrant one) so I'll prolly be carrying a bag that resembles a school bag.



Okay, okay, it IS a school bag, orz.

It's not that sad if you think about it... (I hope?) lol



I think this is the first trip evaaaa with my collmates, hohohoho. I haven't been to Ipoh in my entire life, could you believe that?

Who? Kezia, Seiji and Me.

At first we wanted to go for a road trip on the West Coast (from KL to Penang/Kedah and many stop overs) but it came to naught because of too many problems.

Seiji: Road trip ah... sure get lost.
Me : Nvm, can just roll down the window and ask for directions.
Seiji: Hmm ya
Me : Sekali, the person you ask replies back with "Sawadikap~".

So Ipoh it is.

Ipoh for what? Isn't it obvious?


Yummy yummy I need love in my tummy!

(^ totally Malaysian....)


I'll be going to the AIESEC's MIRACLE Youth Conference!

So far I've only convinced my cousin to go as well. Both of us are skipping the family gathering.

I feel kind of bad, but I'll probably regret more if I didn't go for this.


"Xin chao Gianne, (it means Hello Gianne!)

I'm Tu Ngo, one of the 2 co-leaders for our project (and Misha Tran is the other co-leader), and I'm very happy to inform you that you have been accepted to SEALNet's Project Vietnam 2007!


Then the feeling..... which I could only describe as jumping through the roof, passing into space and hitting the stars.

Multiple times, can?

Like a goddamn pinball machine.

But this is one overjoyed, deliriously happy rolled-up hippo you'd ever meet at that moment.

In the midst of rushing for my assignment, I made time to fill up the application. Very very surprised when I got that email because I shrunk about 1000 times my size at the experience and skills section of the form. Like a minuscule dust that can only be seen when you shine your torchlight on it.

But I'm so glad that I applied. It didn't hurt to try.

The project is basically about creating a sustainable English program for street children, and I'd also get to hang out with a local high school student and a kid from the 15 May school (where we're volunteering).

At the moment, I'm planning my route to Saigon. Finding the cheapest and something that will be worth it. I'm very keen to take AirAsia to Phnom Penh, then by bus to Saigon. The same route as another Malaysian who is also accepted in this project. It's cheap and the journey would be fantastic!! Cheap, as in RM600 for flight & bus two-way? But then again, only if my ma allows me to do so. =(

I'll write more abt 15 May school soon!

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Cup of Tea

Even though the way I do things may seem unsavoury to others, it's my choice. I'm no mule who doesn't listen; I do. It's just that I have my own reasons, as much as you have yours. If I fall or fail, I will have myself to blame... and to learn from it. Despite your assumption that I did not think things thoroughly, I did. With homework to the boot.

Sometimes I wish you could just trust my judgement more. Let go a little more.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Hello hands

My hands are small I know,
but they are not yours, they are my own

I was just looking at my hands today. My hands is like a crack in a fairytale version of a female. The cracking sound effect oso very loud wtf.

They look really rough. Thinking about how I dislike them for looking masculine on a female and yet loving them for always being smaller than a guy's hand *insert warm mushy feeling*.

Turning them back and forth, back and forth, like a a super slow game of lat-ta-li-lat-ta-li-tam-pom.

Despite my grouses for not possesing a slender feminine hand, I love them. Without them I won't be able to do a lot of things that I adore. At least, not as easily.

And then I suddenly I find myself clasping them together. Adjusting them so my middle fingers are even from the top. Still together, I opened them as if I'm about to pray.

You see, back when I was wee youngin' in primary school, we had this game where it 'tells' us whether we have a crush on someone or vice versa. If the top most line on ur palm is even with each other, it means there's no crush and crushees (<-- xD). If the line on your right hand is higher than the left's, it means that someone likes you. If the left is higher, it means that you like someone. That's for girls. For guys, it's the other way round, like if left is higher, someone likes you etc.

Now that I think of it, the whole thing is kinda useless because I'm from a girl's school in primary =__=;;;;

Currently the lines are even for me and it's true.

In secondary school, my friend Nazatul told me that there's another meaning to it. She instructed me to do as above. Mind you, she told me all these in a careful definite way, and even though it's a crock of shite, but you'd listen because damn, that girl knows how to make you interested. So with my palms open, I looked at her wide-eyed, expectantly.

She looks at my hands for a while, then she went, Gianne.


That's your uterus.

I'm like WHAT?!?

For reference image, see below.


Photo is a random find thru google. Don't know about you but I generally don't like people knowing how my uterus looks like xD.

Just then Kai Liang spotted us in our 'suspicious chat' and in a second, he was bouncing around, going, "Ape you korang buat ni? Tengok tengok!"

So to satisfy our curious friend, we made him go through the same motion that I did. When he had his palms together finally, we told him with a very straight face, "Okay, that's your uterus."

Kai Liang:

Then there's us, doubling over in laughter.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Rising to the occasion

After the second incident where my computer semi-died on me, I was hovering around the house in a depressing manner.

As usual, my mom calls home before she leaves her office, asking whether if we need her to buy anything. Usually the answer is, "Hmmm, not any at the moment la." But now...

"Yes, " I said, in the most forlorn way I could muster. "Chocolate. Lots of chocolate."

Suffice to say, she rose to fulfil my wish beyond my expectation. [Glowing review from me!! A++!!]

I don't know how I could had coped without them.

Friday, May 04, 2007

Swim, my little workhorse, SWIM!

I'm beneath the high crashing waves of fatigue.

And yet I am not heading to the comfort of my bed anytime soon.

Weeks ago, Hobbit told me that if I don't finish my animation, all my hard work will go to waste.

And it seems.. No. It IS going to waste and I feel so disappointed.

It was a sink or swim situation.

I was floating and now I'm sinking.

In 12 hour' time, I'd be looking up at you from the bottom of the ocean, partially weighed down by my massive eye bags.

In a week, I'll be floating belly up.

Quite dead, really.

Monday, April 30, 2007

Oh Rubbish!

[GAHHH, no internetz in mah home!! Bad luck really does come in threes ; __ ; . At cybercafe now, bloggin' from my mail (gotta love blogger). Written on 28 April '07]

My butt has been parked here the whole day, trying to complete my business plan. And I've probably only typed 5 or six short paragraphs in 24 hours. I suck at this, really.

All these business jargons like revenues, venture, expenditures, 'aggressively prospecting new relationships' and etc simply throws me off my feet. I mean, I understand what it means ... but to ask me churn out a 20++ page report using business language simply stumps me. As in, you could see my pupils getting larger and my mouth forming these words: Oh God, I'm Screwed.

For example, the whole "aggressively prospecting new relationships" sounds more like a playboy-on-heat hunting for fresh meat, rather than seeking potential customers to me. And when I think aggressive, the feedback my mind gives is:

Man: I'm sorry for being such a bad bad boy, forgive me...
Woman: Are you really? *tests leather whip on ground* And call me 'Mistress', b*tch!



You should really read my business plan; it looks more like an story-based essay. I'm stuck, and I've only got up to 15 pages. And not only that, my lecturer asked me to elaborate on the points more.

Oh lord, bless me with the magical power to write believable fluff.

Either that miracle, or I'm getting a C or worse for this class.


Oh yea, my imaginery product is an self-powered eco-friendly bin which basically shreds and compresses rubbish and uses the liquid and compost for energy. My imaginery company's name is... BravoBin!! Cute, right? xDxD

SO I've been reading loads about waste facts and management in Malaysia. Did you know that an average Malaysian in the city generates at least 1.7kg trash a day? Shame on you city ppl! (---> also from the city, hahaha)

I did enjoy researching about it though. I'm those sort of people you'd like to punch because I don't eat shark's fin soup, often found erasing the content of an A4 paper to use it again, saving even the minuscule pieces of paper for recyling etc. Anyway, throw me general questions about environmental issues and waste management, and 80% I might be able to come up with an answer. Either that, or I'd be able to cook up some fluff for you (I've had enough practice for that).

Anyway, I was just thinking. This Thursday I'd be up front, presenting my 'business pitch' on Powerpoint, probably shaking enough to bring the entire building down... and guess what I'll be doing?

Talking trash, wtf.

(Literally weh!)