Sunday, April 15, 2007

Go away!!!

Don't you hate bad habits that resurrects without warning and proceeds to give you the usual distress?

It's something I haven't been bothered by for a few years, yet a few days ago it returned and puffed out its chest while grinning, going, "Missed me much?" (The answer to that is hell no!!)

A nightmare who promised to leave forever.

Ladies and gentlemen and other random creatures... the cold sweat and palpating heart is back.

You see, I've been beating myself badly over things that I cannot change. Every ounce of logic and happiness in my body yells, "Go go! Don't look back!"

But I do. I feel like Orpheus because I would lose something. Many glances over my shoulder; walk one step ahead but stop to twist my head around to the see a video playing the same track over and over, the volume rising until it drowns everything else except the wishes that I could had done or said something better, or at least, less mortifying or embarassing.

Even though I know that I will never be able to move my legs back to fix the situation and am doomed to forever watch from the future, to watch behind an invisible shield.

The thing is, I understand all these. Theory-wise. Friends telling me that we're all imperfect creatures. Proverbs and quotes about changing the NOW and not the past has been read. How worrying or being overly self-conscious will make you unproductive and sad yada yada yada. In fact, I put mental Post-it notes all over to remind myself, and it worked for a few years.

And yet.

Dammit, I just want to stop regretting. Cringing repeatedly in the past three days is seriously not good for the soul. Brain, please stop the flashbacks, can?

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