Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Still Pond

A peaceful pond waiting for something; a fallen leaf, a stray pebble, a dehydrated frog... anything to disturb the stillness.

Fresh oxygen into the water. Maybe these bubbles could revive a dead person from the bottom of the pond. Maybe she'll float to the surface and regain life again.

It does cross my mind; questions of where did that spunky free-spirited girl disappeared to... and whether am I still passionately in love with life. Where is the girl who could come up with witty replies and garner a round of laughs? The easily excited one. Why am I so cautious now? Weren't you ever in a situation that makes you feel like you're walking on a mine field?

My friend tells me to get rid of my underlying anger. What anger, I ask. I don't have any. But even he could see past my sugar coated words. Is it really anger, or is it fear? Is it a defense of something I could not really comprehend?

Does life experience really change you? I'm only 21; I've only had a thin slice of that cake. Why do I feel as though I'm already half-full with sadness?

Part of me want to restore that spirit. Part of me tells me that it's the process of growing up. Repair yourself or don't look back. How torn can I be?

Now I'm more quiet. I look at people and think. I laugh at my colleague's hilarious antics but I do not join in.

Despite the forlorn-like words above, I didn't feel sad on the eve of my birthday. Which is so rare. Such is that strange calmness and contentment of the big 21. Maybe I'm just accepting the fact that I can never reach the level I want to... that I should be content with being ordinary. A simple girl who is just trying to be be more than what she can be.

And that is okay.


Silhouette said...

Funny how we're in somewhat of the same situation. Yet I have not realized what it entirely was till I read this. I've never really been free-spirited, but then again, I'm pretty content the way I am despite the fact that I think that I could be more. You can turn the tables. All you need is a nudge in that direction.

Charlene said...

well...sometimes you don't know what exactly you're missing until you get it.

at first i didn't quote get it & was asking myself, is being a still pond really so bad? then i thought again and said...maybe it is. especially if u feel like u're floating i a stateof nothing-is-happening, and ur life feels so stagnant.

what i do know is that people like us aren't gonna stay stagnant for long. sooner or later if something doesn't happen to you, YoU will happen to someone. like you 'happened' to those Vietnam kids. u're so proactive (not a selfish brat like me) i can't imagine u not making a difference. still pond? you've made a whole bunch of ripples in it already. can u blame it for taking a break? :)

good luck rocking the boat! in fact, never stop rocking it. You are a wonderful person & your karma is gonna be, like, so good u'll be sitting next to Buddha in no time.