Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Spark

The point where it began is nothing more than a dimming dot swimming in and out my mind. That disappears behind another memory just as I reach out for it.

I can't remember the beginning of the loss.

Enough raindrops has fallen to make way for a new ocean since. Enough lightning has raced across the skies, like a night scene of a highway of speeding cars.

It seems as though it's been a quick moment, when you watch from the top of an overhead bridge, mesmerized by these lights. But the Sun has risen and fallen many a times; cars, people, lives, intangible things, concrete things has passed beneath the bridge.

Something happens and a wave hits me. I miss the feeling of excitement running through every veins in my body. I miss the feeling of being so so so happy that I could jump through the roof and hit the stars. I miss my super talkative self. I miss feeling so bloody alive that I could burst.


Now, I'm stepping to the sidelines. For the longest time, I am sleepwalking. I couldn't tell the passing people of my dilemma. How different am I from a dead person walking? How could someone love a dead person?

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Better Daughter

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Random corner :
Khairy: My job to take on Opposition
"Umno Youth number two Khairy Jamaluddin says it is his job to make life miserable for the Opposition."
Distorted priorities, anyone? Honey, your job is to serve the country, the people... US. Not to do monkey business like this wtf.

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Since living out, is it wrong for me to not miss home? Not feeling like wanting to go back? To the home where my family are.

     My parents always wants me to go home, and my mom would sound sorta disappointed when I tell her I'm not. She would accept inevitable events, like, work-related or too late. When it comes to trips with friends, she would rather me to come home.

     I pretty much go home every weekend; hitching a ride with my kind colleagues to the train station. Though, when there's no occasion, I usually prefer go back to my rented place... and rest. Sometimes I feel that by not going home, it's less tiring and stressful.

     One time, I tried negotiating with parents for instead of every weekend, how about 2-3 times in a month... but was greeted with, "Where can!!!". I know but can't truly understand that no matter what, my parents would always and forever think of me as their little girl who shouldn't wander far from the nest.

     For me, home is where I am now... not the double-storey house with Astro, hot water, personal room etc and EVERYTHING provided. But right here, where I am; a room shared by three people, cold water, mattress on floor, the little portable stove (where I cook simple meals)... basically, a pretty sparse place. And still, home.

To be honest, it's definitely easier to live out, as opposed to living with your parents.

     One is matter of perspective. Rumpled bedsheets does not matter when it's only for your eyes to see, but matters when it's under your parent's roof. Two, collective responsibility. Instead of caring for 3 people and 3 dogs, there is... well, only me. Three is being able to do things I want to; e.g., going out as I like without being subjected to an thorough interrogation and nags. Four is... well, simply living closely with family; Let's just say we're imperfect beings.

Then to get away from that... it's liberating.

     It's cheating, I know. A sort of escape. Taking the easy way out. I didn't move out for that reason of course, but to be closer to my workplace. But slowly, I felt something shifting out from my shoulders. Mostly, it's worries for number four from the list above... I barely know what's going on in my family during weekdays until my mom tells me on the way back home on the weekend. Ignorance, as they say, is bliss.

Even so... though I am enjoy being away from all that, sometimes....I feel guilty for not caring more. How my worries halted since leaving home. How I took independence too far.

My mom once told me that she misses our afternoon chat. That's the good thing of having a daughter, she said laughing.

I wish I was a better daughter.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Forgivable aspect

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Random corner
(I definitely need one...):

[PSP game - Patapon] Listening to this makes my pumping heart tilt to the side and go, "SQUEEEEEEE!!!!" (in a bubbly gurgly blood-filled way wtf)
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You know, usually I would draft up my blog entry in a notepad and edit it many times before posting. It's surprising how shifting a same sentence from the bottom to the first paragraph would make the whole thing sound less hostile/rude/ditzy. Or vice-versa. If only people could do the same before they talk eh?

Today, however, today, it will be a different story. I shall type straiiiighhht into my blogger text box and finish it in one sitting! Fast!!! Not couple of hours, wtf!

The premise for this change is simple; I can't be arsed about my usual blogger-analness. Because time is precious my dear... though Gollum would disagree.

Here's something I mulled over lately;

What is your forgivable aspect? That... I don't know how to say it... draws people to you, include you in their activities and not ignore or avoid you? Let's just say, you have a college mate who is supremely lazy and doesn't fulfill his part in teamwork, pisses you off mad, but at the end of the day, you'd STILL invite him to your party because he is uberly funny and is the life of any party.

I believe that everyone has an annoying trait... and a forgivable aspect to counter that. It might be imbalanced for some people; some may be nearly perfect that their nisbah of forgivable and annoying is like 100:1 (<-- I hate you people.) (But I forgive you....)

...Which brings me to another point. So if my theory of everyone having an annoying and forgivable aspect, why are there still friendless people? Is it because their forgivable aspect is not enough to cover for its evil twin?

I'm not friendless, but there's a sort of sadness when I was thinking about that. What is my forgivable aspect?

What is yours?

Friday, February 15, 2008

artsy fartsy fluffs

Pipit forum K.O challenge; the theme, futurism.

futurism thumbnail
[click thumbnail for whole image]

3ds Max (for perspective help), Photoshop CS2 + tablet

Been a busy week at the office, and the dateline was on Valentine's day, and I actually shot past it by 3 hours. So... there's more to touch-up on. I forgot to put some elements in. TT__TT

As for the concept/story, I have one but I hope you would be able to tell me =D. [-cricket sounds commences- ... orz)

I really enjoyed drawing this. It's definitely a challenge 'cause this is not something I usually draw (vehicles, poses, perspective etc). I always ALWAYS draw girls (mostly from head to shoulders only wtf, so boring right??).

Self-grippings (ignore this if you dislike whiny hippos): The impact is missing. I mean, so what if I can draw, but it doesn't engage the viewers? Someone needs a lot and LOTS of practice... it makes my head spin, really, when I see the amount of things I need to understand. I want to reach that point... maybe possible when I'm 99 years old wtf

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Another artwork:

Photobucket Photobucket
1. blocking in hair
2. adding details


Photoshop + combination of mouse (face) & tablet (hair, body etc).

My humble homage to the mangaka that is Ai Yazawa (Nana, Gokinjo Monogatari, Paradise Kiss, Tenshi Nanka Janai etc).... the first comic from her that I read was Paradise Kiss. Am a huge, huge fan because that one pretty much changed the way I think about myself and the way I do things. For the better, definitely. This girl is Miwako Sakurada (although now she looks more like her older sister, Mikako Kouda from Gokinjo...)

Somewhat process: 01 & 02

Started 2 years ago. wtf I know. Such a fucking procrastinator. Got stuck at the hair ages ago (it was previously orange and VERY poofy) and restarted before CNY. Changed the hair to this current colour.

Snippet of New Year Resolution: Less games, more hermit-like existence (...orz)

(mumbling to self: ... Ganbatte)