Sunday, February 24, 2008

Better Daughter

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Random corner :
Khairy: My job to take on Opposition
"Umno Youth number two Khairy Jamaluddin says it is his job to make life miserable for the Opposition."
Distorted priorities, anyone? Honey, your job is to serve the country, the people... US. Not to do monkey business like this wtf.

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Since living out, is it wrong for me to not miss home? Not feeling like wanting to go back? To the home where my family are.

     My parents always wants me to go home, and my mom would sound sorta disappointed when I tell her I'm not. She would accept inevitable events, like, work-related or too late. When it comes to trips with friends, she would rather me to come home.

     I pretty much go home every weekend; hitching a ride with my kind colleagues to the train station. Though, when there's no occasion, I usually prefer go back to my rented place... and rest. Sometimes I feel that by not going home, it's less tiring and stressful.

     One time, I tried negotiating with parents for instead of every weekend, how about 2-3 times in a month... but was greeted with, "Where can!!!". I know but can't truly understand that no matter what, my parents would always and forever think of me as their little girl who shouldn't wander far from the nest.

     For me, home is where I am now... not the double-storey house with Astro, hot water, personal room etc and EVERYTHING provided. But right here, where I am; a room shared by three people, cold water, mattress on floor, the little portable stove (where I cook simple meals)... basically, a pretty sparse place. And still, home.

To be honest, it's definitely easier to live out, as opposed to living with your parents.

     One is matter of perspective. Rumpled bedsheets does not matter when it's only for your eyes to see, but matters when it's under your parent's roof. Two, collective responsibility. Instead of caring for 3 people and 3 dogs, there is... well, only me. Three is being able to do things I want to; e.g., going out as I like without being subjected to an thorough interrogation and nags. Four is... well, simply living closely with family; Let's just say we're imperfect beings.

Then to get away from that... it's liberating.

     It's cheating, I know. A sort of escape. Taking the easy way out. I didn't move out for that reason of course, but to be closer to my workplace. But slowly, I felt something shifting out from my shoulders. Mostly, it's worries for number four from the list above... I barely know what's going on in my family during weekdays until my mom tells me on the way back home on the weekend. Ignorance, as they say, is bliss.

Even so... though I am enjoy being away from all that, sometimes....I feel guilty for not caring more. How my worries halted since leaving home. How I took independence too far.

My mom once told me that she misses our afternoon chat. That's the good thing of having a daughter, she said laughing.

I wish I was a better daughter.

1 comment:

Charlene said...

Y'know what, the mother & daughter relationship is a complex one. Immensely complex. Ppl who say romantic relationships r the hardest dont have a goddamn clue. the way i see it, a lotta times moms inadvertantly say things that might hurt their daughters. a lotta times its like u can't live up to their expectations. but maybe...there arent so much expectations as *needs*. or...certain things that u might expect a daughter would be, a supporter who's female & understands u & would want to communicate more with u...It's not fair to expect things & expect ppl to fulfil them even tho, y'know "it was never mwentioned in the contract!"

but i guess thats just the way it is. & i dont think its something to feel bad about, not unless u did smthg seriously bad & said smthg that u MEANT to be hurtful. otherwise...its almost normal, really. to hv mother-daughter disagreements & fights. (& hopefully make up after that.) i dunno why i'm being so goddamn wise today. not really like me. & u may hate me for it but i just hope that it would make u feel a little less bad about not being PERFect. (see my reply for ur previous jurnal)

I mean thats a big stumbling block to get thru -- the idea of perfection. And if u can get thru it u can get thru a lottt of things. Someone i admire v much said that its a combination of our achievements & failures that make us interesting. To get out of topic for awhile -- no one wants to listen to perfect straight-A achievers who are also good daughters & fantastic cooks & degree-holders. Those people r boring. i wouldnt be typing this long-arse reply to a journal of someone who was that boring.

have i run out of characters yet? is there a length limit to this response box? Anyway the point is, ur parents r being the typical mom & dad who havent yet gotten used to their kid being an adult (a legal adult at that -- who technically has evry right in the world to have sex with any man she chooses, and consume her preferred amount of alcohol, and vote for the political asshole she thinks least threatening).

The point is u don't NEEd to feel bad coz what ur going thru & what ur folks r going thru is not saying anything abt u being a good or bad daughter. its saying that everyone is flawed & i dunno how u'd go about persuading ur parents, but its my hope that u can...come to an agreement of sm sorts.

i'm really bad at this :P

u get what im trying to say, tho. and i have similar problems with my mom -- not so much abt going out, but things like not being grateful for all she's done for me, things like that. things they might bring up to make u feel guilty & use guilt as a tool. i dont think they mean to though. We all use guilt to our advantage now & then.

think abt it.

and for god's sake stop feeling like u need to be a model child. u don't.