Friday, July 18, 2008

Bursting my bubble wtf

A few days ago....

"YOSH! I shall practice my painting skills!" - grim determination-

What happened right after that;

Grab tablet. Open up Photoshop. Draw nice nice. CRASH. Gianne = orz. Close program.
Shrugs. Reopen Photoshop. Draw nice nice. CRASH. Gianne = orz. Close Program.
Shrugs. Restarts computer. Reopen Photoshop. Draw. CRASH. Gianne = ....... WTF! Close Program.

Rinse and repeat.

Resorts to pencil and paper. orz.

Bollocks. I can't draw happily on Photoshop without it dying on me!!

It doesn't matter that some months ago I did a massive surgery on my CPU; tossing out the innards and fixing in brand spanking new 'organs', enough to be a pretty l33t computer for decent pwnage. I don't get it. It used to be able to support when I was painting an A4 sized, 300 dpi with no problem. And now I'm only working on a 1024x768, 72 dpi file. And it hangs wtf.

This really sucks because it's probably nothing to do with the hardware, but my womanly intuition tells me it's a goddamn virus @$#@%$#^%^$. So GRAH! I'll have to reformat my computer orz. Man, I seem to do reformatting a lot... I kinda wish Windows could just record my movements when I reformat and reinstall all the programs, so next time I could just press a button to replay the recorded actions wtf.

EDIT: Okay, so Felix asks me to scan my system for spyware. And I do. 218 infections ftl orz. Photoshop seems to be cooperating now so yay!!! Quick sketch~
a month old sketch; painting practice + attempting to understand human facial structure
(don't ask why they all look to the left wtf. i still suck at drawing bodies. and colouring too orz. imma shall find a posing victim soon. watch out for the wannabe artist stalking you with her pencil and paper. and rope =D. yay!)

Monday, July 14, 2008

someone's being depressing again....

I'm skipping breakfast and sleeping late.

Here's the thing; I never skipped breakfast, unless if I:

1) am held at gunpoint wtf, or,
2) had no choice.

I sleep late, but never to the point of not wanting to sleep at all. It's odd... This feeling of detachment from my body. I can't explain it; it's like I know it has to eat. I know chocolate bars are no substitute for a decent lunch/dinner. I know it has to get some decent sleep, less I'd be a walking zombie. And I'm just not fulfulling that.

Shit happens. I may be a pretty happy person, but there's always the other side, right? Like this sadness inside that I tried to unseat and fail. Maybe Sadness only had 1/4 of its buttocks on it initially, and it has sneakily inched Happiness off the chair. Happiness says, "Oi...Get off my seat," and Sadness goes, "Make me, bitch."

Eject button just failed on me too, so that sucks.

I'm floating away even more. When I reach out to to grab hold on something, for something firmly stuck on the ground so I could feel safe... I capture little wisps in my palms but when I open them, it has evaporated or it's different. I'm chasing little ever changing wisps of other people, and they are flying all over and I'm... bewildered. It's not even my problem in the first place, but it's the cobweb effect and I'm stuck on its sticky strings.

And then I call out for my friends, because for all the doubts I have, they are the ones where I don't. There's me trying to point out who, what, how, why on the intangible uncertainty; in some ways, hoping they could piece everything together for me. Obviously, they can't do that accurately, but I still get annoyed when that happened... I apologise for all the random callings/text messages. You know who you are.

The interesting thing about being tossed like a salad in problem sauce is that you realise how vulnerable you are. You'd think you'd handle it differently, or at least, more heroic-like, but then you get disappointed with yourself. You discover how similar you are with the rest of the world.

And with that, oh man, I'm SO typical. Like, I'm going through the textbook reactions of a depressed (?) female.

Ate expensive good food? Check.
New different hairstyle? Check.
Dyed hair? Check.
Indulging in retail therapy? Check.

Since we're on the subject, here's before and after of my hairstyle;

before; with Mt Kinabalu in the back

after; bangang-ness with hobbit in SG, like pretending to be a
disgruntled chinese old man digging nose wtf

Courtesy of Charl's aunt, Irene, who did an amazing job that made someone like ME look good wtf.

I know it's hopeless, whatever wound there is not necessarily healed, but I sure as heck feel happier. What I didn't know though, was that my mom would be sending me on a massive guilt trip about how I'm spending my money. It's like taking a step forward, and then being tossed through the air a thousand steps back. Power of mom's words. orz..

I just feel like there's an swish-swashing ocean in me, and it's the kind of ocean that you can't piss it out wan wtf.

Here's to wishing that things are certain. It's like traveling on public transport in Singapore; you just know that the trains arrive every 6 minutes. You can go through your daily life without worrying about little details.

Life is like a plate of rojak; I've just bitten down on a very sour fruit where the taste lingers like the lingering smell of a D24 durian wtf.

The Way I Am

i love this song so much now, it's not even funny. i could hear it in my head all the time, e.g., when i wake up, when i'm eating, when i'm waiting for something, when i'm crossing the road... heck, even when i'm taking a piss wtf.



If you were falling, then I would catch you.
You need a light, I'd find a match.

Cuz I love the way you say good morning.
And you take me the way I am.

If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
Your head is aching, I'll make it better.

Cuz I love the way you call me baby.
And you take me the way I am.

I'd buy you Rogaine when you start losing all your hair.
Sew on patches to all you tear.

Cuz I love you more than I could ever promise.
And you take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.

----------------
pretty things;

while jogging.



----------------
i had a wonderful weekend. the kind that you wished could go on for just a little longer.

only i'm sort of beating myself over this one thing i did. which marred an otherwise perfect weekend. dammit. don't you hate it when that happens? don't you hate having to think about that over and over again, trying to justify what you did but couldn't? it just really sucks because it's like downloading a 100mb file, only to your internet connection fail at 99%... man, so close!! i haven't felt so embarrassed in the longest time (yes, even over the fart and perineum incident).

i wish i could stop pulling the carpet away when i'm still standing on it.

it happens when someone just hammered a nail deep in your shoulder. and something like a feather falling gently on it could trigger an unnecessary reaction. and people around would be thinking, wait, what's this? because only i know, only i had a previous train of thought that everyone else do not.

i'm trying to not care so much, but i might had offended someone, created a misunderstanding... and that matters to me.

so let me try to fix it. the whole trout-slapping myself aint gonna make me feel better; it could only manifest into a dull reminder that would bore a wound somewhere in me.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

maybe i should change the name to "confessions of an orz-ed soul...."

My Gmail status is; Gianne thinks she did smthg embarassing today wtf orz. With that.....

puiyee: ??
8:21 PM me: hmm?
oh
so today right
i was listening to my mp3 player
then i had a tummy ache annd i walked past all the cubicles to go to the loo
8:22 PM puiyee: mmhmm
me: when i got there, i took off my earphone and realised that my silent farts isnt silent
now i cant remember if i farted on the way out anot
=(
puiyee: hahahahahahaha


... I'm not sure if I'd want to remember or not orz.

Maybe it's not wise to put this up wtf. But I mean, pfffft, don't be hypocritical, y'all do silents farts la.

At least I'm more vocal abt it =_______=;;;;;; (lame pun intended). ... ONLY IN THIS CASE!!! Dammit, there goes my muka....

Shall never wear earphones for both ears. Ever again.

orz.

Friday, July 04, 2008

Oi, Mr Bala......

..... ARGGHHHHH!!! What's this cheap low-quality drama going on in my country's political world?!? Just when I was feeling, WAY TO GO BALASUBR------oh.

Celaka!!! Or as Patrick Teoh would say... NIAMAH!!!

So dodgy. So sketchy. Actually I'm really insulted......How dumb does the upper management think the citizens are??? Seriously, what a stupid move by them. Way to get yourself reelected, man....

My heart really goes out to Altantuya's loved ones. And sheer embarrassment when the international community, especially the Mongolian government, gets a wind of this. Malu betul.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Privacy

I'm so not used to having my computer right smack in the family hall.
 
Currently, it's placed strategically 1 metre away from the kitchen and laundry room, and 5 metres away from my housemate's room (whose door is perpetually opened) and the front door where housemates + random people happily passes through. Didn't chuck it into my rented room as there's no space. Honestly though, the lack of privacy wasn't something that bothered me much. But it did make voice chatting over the net a bit awkward (actually, scratch 'a bit'; it's VERY). I don't know.... I can't be as crappy or random or disgusting as I like, if I had a potential unwilling audience wtf. Especially if it's something that you'd only want your close friends to know. And it sucks because a few of your closest friends' butts are plonked in another country, and both sides are too cheapo to get IDD. Usually I'd wait till everyone's asleep before voice chatting... but too much of a hassle weh.
 
Like that day, I was talking to hobbitness over MSN voice call, and was telling him some family stuff, which is definitely not what I want my housemates to know. Well... if there's a will, there's a way. And the way is, I needed some super secret nonchalant codename for Mom and Dad.
 
 
......
 
...........

Hi, Connie and Bob wtf.
 
God, I'm so brilliant -___-;;;;.
 
 
Okay, mystery of life. Before I called hobbitness over MSN, he say he wanna pangsai first. Then later, before I called PY, she say wanna kencing first...... why they all treat me like i'm a three hour movie abt to start TT________TT

Also, hobbitness was in a hot hot hot internet chat with someone else before I called him, and because he's distracted by moi on mic, his sister ended up reading things that sisters aren't -supposed- to know about their ickle brothers. I said, how bad can it be? He pasted the conversation for me to have a look.
 
.................... AHAHAHAHAHHA funny sial!!!! If I stumbled on my bro chatting like that, wah lau eh, I will go face a corner wide-eyed,  then pour gasoline on my eyes and light a match okay wtf.
 
Poor hobbit.... -pats head repeatedly- Next time when you menggatal, lock your door, okay?!? It's so morbid that I'm basking in someone's horrified-ness. Well, it's always funny when it happens to someone else la. Sadly, very sadly, it happened to me before. No big surprise, it's me afterall -___-;;. Well, this time, minus the family member relation. And it was a misunderstanding dammit!!!
 
I think I stumbled into a website about medieval torture methods for suspected witches, and there's this one about 'needles through the victim's perineum' or something la. And I'm like, hmmm, what's a perineum. So I googled and clicked on the image result. Go on. Try googling. Make sure there's no one behind you. It made me go [o_O], wincing and thinking how medieval people are all damn sick bastards.

As I was WTF-ing, my housemate came by my table. And of course, I switched the Firefox tabs asap, so everything is fine and dandy. Okay, now comes the dumb part; He asks me what I was doing. That time I was doing a digital painting in Photoshop, and had some tutorials opened in Firefox. And I accidentally clicked on the 'image results' tab. No matter how fast I clicked the other tab, the damage has been done.
 
Forever.

There was this moment of silence.

Then the only thing he said was, "Oh. My. God."
 
..... orz.  No, seriously. orz. I didn't even try to explain, because things likes these could only get worse.
 
It's just times like these where all you want to do is to fall on your knees and throw your hands up in the air and ask, "WHY??? WHY ME??!?!"
 
 
..... I miss the privacy of my room.