Monday, July 14, 2008

someone's being depressing again....

I'm skipping breakfast and sleeping late.

Here's the thing; I never skipped breakfast, unless if I:

1) am held at gunpoint wtf, or,
2) had no choice.

I sleep late, but never to the point of not wanting to sleep at all. It's odd... This feeling of detachment from my body. I can't explain it; it's like I know it has to eat. I know chocolate bars are no substitute for a decent lunch/dinner. I know it has to get some decent sleep, less I'd be a walking zombie. And I'm just not fulfulling that.

Shit happens. I may be a pretty happy person, but there's always the other side, right? Like this sadness inside that I tried to unseat and fail. Maybe Sadness only had 1/4 of its buttocks on it initially, and it has sneakily inched Happiness off the chair. Happiness says, "Oi...Get off my seat," and Sadness goes, "Make me, bitch."

Eject button just failed on me too, so that sucks.

I'm floating away even more. When I reach out to to grab hold on something, for something firmly stuck on the ground so I could feel safe... I capture little wisps in my palms but when I open them, it has evaporated or it's different. I'm chasing little ever changing wisps of other people, and they are flying all over and I'm... bewildered. It's not even my problem in the first place, but it's the cobweb effect and I'm stuck on its sticky strings.

And then I call out for my friends, because for all the doubts I have, they are the ones where I don't. There's me trying to point out who, what, how, why on the intangible uncertainty; in some ways, hoping they could piece everything together for me. Obviously, they can't do that accurately, but I still get annoyed when that happened... I apologise for all the random callings/text messages. You know who you are.

The interesting thing about being tossed like a salad in problem sauce is that you realise how vulnerable you are. You'd think you'd handle it differently, or at least, more heroic-like, but then you get disappointed with yourself. You discover how similar you are with the rest of the world.

And with that, oh man, I'm SO typical. Like, I'm going through the textbook reactions of a depressed (?) female.

Ate expensive good food? Check.
New different hairstyle? Check.
Dyed hair? Check.
Indulging in retail therapy? Check.

Since we're on the subject, here's before and after of my hairstyle;

before; with Mt Kinabalu in the back

after; bangang-ness with hobbit in SG, like pretending to be a
disgruntled chinese old man digging nose wtf

Courtesy of Charl's aunt, Irene, who did an amazing job that made someone like ME look good wtf.

I know it's hopeless, whatever wound there is not necessarily healed, but I sure as heck feel happier. What I didn't know though, was that my mom would be sending me on a massive guilt trip about how I'm spending my money. It's like taking a step forward, and then being tossed through the air a thousand steps back. Power of mom's words. orz..

I just feel like there's an swish-swashing ocean in me, and it's the kind of ocean that you can't piss it out wan wtf.

Here's to wishing that things are certain. It's like traveling on public transport in Singapore; you just know that the trains arrive every 6 minutes. You can go through your daily life without worrying about little details.

Life is like a plate of rojak; I've just bitten down on a very sour fruit where the taste lingers like the lingering smell of a D24 durian wtf.

1 comment:

Charl said...

wow, just like u to ruin a good hairdo with nose-digging pictures. lol

on the subject of depression (not the life-threatening kind, maybe, but serious enuf that i wanna give u a hug & a donut) i've been feeling that way recently and i think i need a long break frm work (after barely a year in the industry, ftw) becoz of the feeling of hopelessness and "i'll never be as successful as some of my colleagues/mates". I'm morphing into the sort of person who would rather not attend a much-treasured high school reunion if i know a large majority of ppl there r more successful than me.

I hope u wil never be like me bcoz u are a way more wonderful & less superficial person. Maybe that's partly the problem -- maybe u are such a good person who wants to make ppl happy that u see your flaws magnified (or so u think) in the eyes of others. especialy when u think u'r enot doing enuf to please others. it sounds 'pathetic' but its not -- face it, a lot of us wish at some point or anothr to be a shining star in the eyes of our mom, our boss, our peers, etc. the hardest and almost unachievable smtimes, is to be a star in our own eyes.

the feeling u get, of being swallowed up in blackness (or as i like to quote a song, "this jet-black feeling ... these thoughts of endless night") is not as uncommon as u think among the average person, and so wat if ppl think of u as a candy-loving goofball? all candy-loving goofballs need a Day Off. don't u know i'd hate u if u were nothing but that? i could never stand hvg a friend who was smiley and bubbly but with no layers, nothing underneath. u are a complete human being with a complete spectrum of emotional capacity and well, like it or not, that spectrum has its cloudy days. cloudy? No, make that stormy. Thunderous. Capable of making lightning god Jupiter cower under his bed. that's just being human. or rather a non-meditating human who doesn't live on a peaceful mountain and sheperd llamas for a living. (even llama-herding must come with its own problems. for one, llamas stink. and their drool is really thick. you could tie parcels with strings of llama drool.)

it's also common to be disappointed with yourself every now & then. (or, idk, is it? i mean...are we intellectuals more prone to dark emo fits than the average human being? maybe.) a host of everyday things can already cause upsets in one's mood. i get disappointed with myself all the time for not being able to handle some types of cutlery. or remember where i put my favourite pair of socks. and bewilderment... i've given up on being bewildered and just moved on to post-confusion.

(should be an art movement, Post-Confusion. once i figure out the exact philosophy behind it.)

We all want to be heroes, for ourselves more than others. really. it's not selfish at all, now that i think abt it -- being a hero is a self-affirmation. what other ppl is think is almost secondary to how the hero feels abt him or herself. how we perceive ourselves and the image of ourselves that we project to the world...that is fascinating.

wow, this is panjang lebarrr!!! i win the Grandma-In-A-Rocking-Chair award! thank u, thank u all...(bows & ctaches roses) i may be a loser as a copywriter but i sure can write where it is least required! woohoo. im also an attention-grabing narcissist (dont believe me: go bk & read the rest of my long me-driven response) who hopes my spotlight-whoring antics will cheer up the friend whose blogspace she is relentlesly hogging with long-arse replies. so? have i cheered u up smwhat? pls say yes otherwise my self-centredness will hv been in vain.