Monday, September 15, 2008

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle

My heart's not here right now. Apparently it has gone to rehab on some Swiss mountains for a piece of calm artery, and left behind its palpating shell of a heart.

I've been driving up a hill, when my heart was still pounding and hasn't escaped yet. It was racing with adrenaline and the thrill of the effort. That little electricity that runs through your entire body, I was feeling it. The pinnacle was not far off, I'm just nearly there... Then something happens. I got messed up. I got confused with the clutch and accelerator. I struggled to gain control, and at times it accelerated, but mostly and in the end, was merely spluttering up the hill. Then my heart leaves me, and I'm rolling down.

That free falling emptiness. That whistling in your ears. That weight on your limbs.

It's not a nice feeling to not have your heart involved in your life. You just drift through the days in a blurry routine, that has that half-arsed sickening vomit-y feel to it. And you start to resent yourself. A lot. What a disgusting human, who is wasting her time on Earth.

And I'm trying to change this. Very muchly, because it hurts to be like this. This is not what I'm made of. Even if I only have my heart's shadow, a mere fraction of the real thing, it WILL be used. And built upon. Layer by layer. Even if I have to fake this heart, this heart might grow from the palpating shell, and slowly close the unseen hole in my heart.

I simply refuse to be like this.

And I know I'll be relying on my friends, to be listeners.

Anyway, as I was drawing that picture above, then hobbitness INSISTED that I listen to this song; Lenka, The Show.

How apt... really. I love how the lyrics can be sad, but it sounds so upbeat. It just gives me that familar feeling, of someone I knew long time ago. That superbly idealistic girl, bent on truly loving life.

I want her to come back.

* I'm just a little bit
caught in the middle
Life is a maze
and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go
I can't do it alone
(I've tried)
and I don't know why

Slow it down
make it stop
or else my heart is going to pop
'cuz it's too much
Yeah, it's a lot
to be something I'm not

I am just a little girl
lost in the moment
I'm so scared
but don't show it
I can't figure it out
it's bringing me down
I know
I've got to let it go
and just enjoy the show
Unfinished art. Looks much better as a line art :/ wtf. I'm trying to decide the source of light, so forgive me for the not very logical shadows on the coloured version.


Charl said...

Sounds like depression... sounds like wat I go thru on some days, only once a week if i'm lucky...heh

it does feel like ur heart has gone missing, don't it? u wonder why on earth u're even here. like is it ok if just for today, u dont have a purpose, u just wanna float & be smwhere else and not feel so strangely burdened and empty at the same time.

incidentally, as i was reading this entry i was listening to Avril Lavigne's "Nobody's Fool". and its funny but some of the words sound like the lyrics ur heart might be trying to sing. for sm reason.

~ ~ ~
Fall back
Take a look at me
And you'll see I'm for real
I feel what only I can feel
And if that don't appeal to you
Let me know
And I'll go
'Coz I flow
Better when my colors show
And that's the way it has to be,
- - -
You don't know;
You think you know me like yourself
But I fear
That you're only telling me what I wanna hear
But do you give a damn
That I can't not be what I am
I'm not the milk and cheerios in your spoon
- - -
Go ahead and try
Try and look me in the eye
But you'll never see inside
Until you realize
Things are trying to settle down
Just try to figure out
Exactly what I'm about
If it's with or without you
I don't need you doubting me

~ ~ ~

maybe u just need to let it feel what it feels & pour it out, becoz when u let it out (like u've just done) it gets a bit better. i'm sorry that i dont know the cure for a missing heart...all i know is that the more u can find in life that is beautiful & is worth every second of living, the faster u heal. it could b smthg as simple as ur favorite song or a really good hot meal. it could be a rollercoaster. find smthg, anythg, that is lovely to u and really cherish it. i guess thats the only way to live, really. we just forget to do it smtimes.

-zaza:o:binxz- said...

aiyoh, i should've read this post earlier.

but i could see u're ok now, or are u?

anyways regarding d art, true true, i love d line one better :)
well, line is one element of design too :)