Thursday, November 27, 2008

Becoming human

Here's a nearly forgotten entry I've written a couple of months back.

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Supergirl can't be undone
She wears the 'S' to feel the strength
for everyone

I want people to like me so much; so very much until I reduced myself to a little bundle of smiles. Nothing more. Conflicts? I back away so they will win. Me having flaws? Pffft, you won't see me breaking down in front of you. Everything is going well in my life. I'm so much better than friends who gives you heartache and headaches. Who whines and moans on the phone all day and night. Who has unreasonable demands that is incapable of justifications.

So she cries, only silent tears,
wtih words no one ever hears

... then why do I feel as though I'm capable of weeping more than them, of dropping to the the floor in complete surrender to sadness, if I were to let myself go? I don't want to trouble my friends. I don't want them to suffer the need to think up of comforting words to a depressed friend. I don't want them to abandon me because negativity does that sometimes. At the end of a depressed day I will pick myself up. Alone again.

But maybe that's why I disappear into the back of their minds.

Please help me... help me
Wrap your wings around me

I remember everyone helping my friend, but lesser for me because I'm 'strong'.

I remember my mom telling me once that she worries less about me and more of my brother, because I can handle myself.

I remember looking stronger than I felt when things were crumbling down because I had to be. Feeling as though the bricks that built this personal strength were just hollow bricks. And it's just biding its time to crash and burn.

And if you ask her she says, 'fine'
She wears the mask
So it fits perfect all the time
Cause this Supergirl is loved by all


Once I told PY sadly, how I could never go beyond the surface of a person. How rarely people let me in. She looked and me, and asks quietly, "Well, did you let them in?". I was so afraid to not be perfect in others' eyes. I remember tearing myself apart inside everytime I wasn't perfect. Which was all the time wtf.

I want people to like me; and I'm not a human in their presence.

I'm tired of pulling myself together

but in the dark and loneliness she calls
please help me, help me
wrap your wings around me


So with all these 'perfections', one day I found myself in the middle of the road. Tear-stained cheeks and fresh tears couldn't stop, I couldn't stop. The empty bricks finally came down with a relieved sigh. An almost stranger to asks me if I'm okay, and for once, the words came out of my lips was something new to me and "No. I'm not okay."

No, I'm not.

I can bleed and I can break

Here's to becoming human. Hurts like fuck, but that's the only way to learn, to live.


Supergirl by LOURDS

Friday, November 07, 2008

this is me.....

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.... cleaning my keyboard wtf