Thursday, November 27, 2008

Becoming human

Here's a nearly forgotten entry I've written a couple of months back.


Supergirl can't be undone
She wears the 'S' to feel the strength
for everyone

I want people to like me so much; so very much until I reduced myself to a little bundle of smiles. Nothing more. Conflicts? I back away so they will win. Me having flaws? Pffft, you won't see me breaking down in front of you. Everything is going well in my life. I'm so much better than friends who gives you heartache and headaches. Who whines and moans on the phone all day and night. Who has unreasonable demands that is incapable of justifications.

So she cries, only silent tears,
wtih words no one ever hears

... then why do I feel as though I'm capable of weeping more than them, of dropping to the the floor in complete surrender to sadness, if I were to let myself go? I don't want to trouble my friends. I don't want them to suffer the need to think up of comforting words to a depressed friend. I don't want them to abandon me because negativity does that sometimes. At the end of a depressed day I will pick myself up. Alone again.

But maybe that's why I disappear into the back of their minds.

Please help me... help me
Wrap your wings around me

I remember everyone helping my friend, but lesser for me because I'm 'strong'.

I remember my mom telling me once that she worries less about me and more of my brother, because I can handle myself.

I remember looking stronger than I felt when things were crumbling down because I had to be. Feeling as though the bricks that built this personal strength were just hollow bricks. And it's just biding its time to crash and burn.

And if you ask her she says, 'fine'
She wears the mask
So it fits perfect all the time
Cause this Supergirl is loved by all

Once I told PY sadly, how I could never go beyond the surface of a person. How rarely people let me in. She looked and me, and asks quietly, "Well, did you let them in?". I was so afraid to not be perfect in others' eyes. I remember tearing myself apart inside everytime I wasn't perfect. Which was all the time wtf.

I want people to like me; and I'm not a human in their presence.

I'm tired of pulling myself together

but in the dark and loneliness she calls
please help me, help me
wrap your wings around me

So with all these 'perfections', one day I found myself in the middle of the road. Tear-stained cheeks and fresh tears couldn't stop, I couldn't stop. The empty bricks finally came down with a relieved sigh. An almost stranger to asks me if I'm okay, and for once, the words came out of my lips was something new to me and "No. I'm not okay."

No, I'm not.

I can bleed and I can break

Here's to becoming human. Hurts like fuck, but that's the only way to learn, to live.

Supergirl by LOURDS


Silhouette said...

Friends are meant to be there for each other. Even if we are just loaning a shoulder or an ear. We don't think its an obligation. So you shouldn't hesitate to tell us when you need us.

Rag Doll said...

actually... what u mentioned is fairly normal, it's just that different ppl have different walls or exteriors to mask their hurt or vulnerability. U think its easy to wear one's heart on the sleeve? No average human being does that. we all have our facades - whether its a mask of humour or anger or plain diffidence.

We dont let ppl ask us how we are because we're afraid of being broken. its like out skin is made of fragile shards held together with glue, and we dont want to undo that glue to show others the coccoon inside.

or maybe u've just been subject to certain expectations frm childhood. maybe u were always the 'better' child, the one ur parents envisioned as being more successful or the one who wd look after them in their old age, the responsible one. and so u took it upon urself to always live up to that expectation even though they never actually pressured you. (if they did expressly pressure u in that way, then i think the answer's staring u in the face. but it's seldom as straightfwd as that.)

Why do you want people to like u so badly? is it really so awful if one or two people dont like you? i mean, fuck em. the ppl who matter most to you -- that's who you keep. the rest, well, screw em coz they dont know a good thing when they have it.

Hate to put it so bluntly, but nice girls dont finish first. smart girls do. so be nice, but be smart and know when to pull back and just say, "this is the way i am. you ave three choices: you can like it, you can hate it, or you can go to hell."

as for wanting to break dwn and cry, if u feel the urge, then do so at the nearest convenience. bottling up stuff is bad. society teaches us that strong = not crying. but they are wrong. and i guess it's up to us to prove them wrong in our own lil ways.

take care, darling. Cheers

Miss Anis said...

aww, you missed me that much eh? there there

p/s: my word verification for comment is 'kisses'. awww!

gianne said...

[em] thank you so much -loves-. you'd be happy to know that i'm beginning to show my flaws. it's amazingly funny when i realised i'm kinda screwed up. well, depressed first, funny later wtf hahah. that bitter, sweetness. at least it's not hidden anymore i guess.

[ragdoll] actually you sorta hit a bull's eye when u mentioned abt self-imposed expectation. sometimes it's just paralysing when that feeling comes over me. on the bright side, i'm definitely less of a doormat from my school days. but sometimes i unconsciously fall back into my old pattern.

[anis] j00 ebil. you were still there when i wrote that wtf why got kisses wan... must be you who missus me XDXD