Wednesday, January 05, 2011

halt

i try not to do new year resolutions because once i declare my intentions, it would feel like the deed is done.

so i'll keep mum.

though, the reason i write now is because i am struck by how two projects that i halted at the start of 2010 are being resumed in the start of 2011. she died then, and in 3 weeks it will be full cycle of a year since.

it is not fair to say that her death stilled me in those projects, but it did profoundly affected me. i think she would had said how silly i am being, to stop because of her and she would had encouraged me to push the limits. i still remember her advices, and despite the stall, i was more the unsullied gianne for a couple of months after. lived a little more. had a little more faith in myself. found the easygoing, funny self that have been buried under the terse, serious person, that circumstances groomed me to be.

then my heart was broken; the engine died and only sputtered when the key is turned. as the scripts aptly put it; when a heart breaks, it don't break even.

and then... again. deeper.

.... one of the greatest comfort is when you matter in someone's life; who, likewise, mattered immensely to you too.

and one of the greatest sadness is losing that.

i know in my bones about spilled milk and all. i tried not to think of the past, and like the ocean, it ebbs and uncovers what i've lost. the smiles and the jabs. the comfort of confiding in each other. those eyes and how they won't look sadly at you again.



farewell, 2010. and thank you for the lessons.