I was in the shower, where you know, the place you start letting in nonsensical thoughts or figuring out your place in the world or the purpose of being, while you worked suds into your hair. This post is a recent result from one of those sessions... undeniably narcissistic when aired all and sundry in a public blog, but I guess this is one of those times in my life for a little memory-marker.
But before I start, this is not a cry for help or a clue of suicide. I'm perfectly fine. Well, perhaps not perfectly, but not something that I would off myself over. I'll leave that switch to God :).
Would people miss me or would I disappear completely?
Would there be a burst of condolences and then the air is stilled?
Would my goodness take stage and my flaws a taboo to say?
Will I 'live' on only in my Facebook page?
Would people seek the residues I left behind, trailing them like breadcrumbs on the ground?
How would my old friends reminisce on how we were or how we used to be? Would it pain them, would they get a pang in their hearts? Would they walk by the places we used to hang out and miss me?
Would they get moody over me? I hope they wouldn't. I hope they tell people all the lame jokes I've made and the hilariously awkward situations I found myself in. Or how motor-impaired I am (Hobbit and me tried shuffling that day. I totally don't look cool at all *SAD FACE*). I hope they will go to an adventure on my behalf. I hope they understand that knowing them have enriched my life in so many ways. One thing I am thankful for is all the kindness that they have shown me; in being patient, handling me in my immature/rage-y moments and for sticking with me for as long as they could.
I honestly don't know if I've made enough days nicer for people or had been a valuable friend or whatnot. There are days when disappointment engulf me, chastising me in not being a better friend, or a wiser person or not having enough foresight. And I couldn't have lived this long without hurting or offending someone; I hope they would forgive me.
If there's one redemption, it would be that I try my best within the limits of my capabilities and I try to battle my personal demons, even if it doesn't bode well for my ego. If my ego were grapes, it's been trampled down to mushy-somewhat-wine wtf.
But before I start, this is not a cry for help or a clue of suicide. I'm perfectly fine. Well, perhaps not perfectly, but not something that I would off myself over. I'll leave that switch to God :).
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What if death comes too soon to me, in another's hand red-stained with my blood?
Would people miss me or would I disappear completely?
Would there be a burst of condolences and then the air is stilled?
Would my goodness take stage and my flaws a taboo to say?
Will I 'live' on only in my Facebook page?
Would people seek the residues I left behind, trailing them like breadcrumbs on the ground?
How would my old friends reminisce on how we were or how we used to be? Would it pain them, would they get a pang in their hearts? Would they walk by the places we used to hang out and miss me?
Would they get moody over me? I hope they wouldn't. I hope they tell people all the lame jokes I've made and the hilariously awkward situations I found myself in. Or how motor-impaired I am (Hobbit and me tried shuffling that day. I totally don't look cool at all *SAD FACE*). I hope they will go to an adventure on my behalf. I hope they understand that knowing them have enriched my life in so many ways. One thing I am thankful for is all the kindness that they have shown me; in being patient, handling me in my immature/rage-y moments and for sticking with me for as long as they could.
I honestly don't know if I've made enough days nicer for people or had been a valuable friend or whatnot. There are days when disappointment engulf me, chastising me in not being a better friend, or a wiser person or not having enough foresight. And I couldn't have lived this long without hurting or offending someone; I hope they would forgive me.
If there's one redemption, it would be that I try my best within the limits of my capabilities and I try to battle my personal demons, even if it doesn't bode well for my ego. If my ego were grapes, it's been trampled down to mushy-somewhat-wine wtf.
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