Thursday, March 23, 2017

Bankrupt & Heartbreaks

Bankrupt.

Janet said this during one of the extra practices, where we had to create impromptu gestures and rituals, drawn from our experiences. And we fumbled and was blank. Some did better than the others, and some didn't. 

Bankrupt.

That word, eight letters, two syllables, and it fascinated me. Think of it as a kindness, to remind ourselves to not let it reach to that point.

Exchange Theatre is as its name; it's an interactive theatre with the intention to show people conflicted situations that is familiar to them, and to open up discussions about it. And in the end, the actors themselves are being helped by the training process, both in seeing from another's eyes and in expanding our own feelings in order to deal with the improv in schools later. Much gratefulness to Lyn for asking me to audition.

We are currently moving towards not taking our reactions for granted, but to also think and be aware about it, and to work through with it in words and one's body. My teammates are really interesting people, and I love our post-training mamak session. Listening to them, whose world is very different from mine, is a huge delight.

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You can't tell your heart that there is a time and place to collapse completely. Well, you probably did... but it disobeyed, disobeyed, disobeyed. You are the puppet to its strings.

And old feelings, that I had marked "Done" and wounds are all thoroughly sealed, suddenly brandished itself. It had been platonic until then. I had loved and cared for someone fiercely, but I was young and tensed, and eventually gotten over it. Now, wounds that were fused tore slightly, tasting the sting of cold air. A hint of that moment where your heart is breaking slowly into little pieces. It was then that I realised that it isn't done. Never was. It was simply waiting for nourishment.

The reason that it hurts now is that I know that nothing will come out of it. What is a relationship without each other's capacity to understand each other? I will lack.

I must fare the waves. I know from experience that it will ebb. For a drop to dilute into a vastness, I must make my ocean so so big, though I know when that wave comes, I would just want to be in his. 

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